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Title: Ending a romantic relationship with a BPD Post by: Constar on October 31, 2016, 02:31:25 PM Looking for advice on how to safely exit a relationship with a BPD. We've lived together for the past 7 months, and I'm the only 'family' he has nearby. He was recently fired and diagnosed with Epilepsy 6 months ago. He is on a very self destructive path and I don't want to be a part of it. He is a great person, and I care for him, but I'm not in love with him, and haven't been for sometime. I want to help him to the best of my abilities, but want to keep a consistent message that I'm done. I moved out a week ago but we continue to communicate daily. His self destructive behavior is dangerous and unpredictable. Any advice is welcome.
Thank you! Title: Re: Ending a romantic relationship with a BPD Post by: fromheeltoheal on October 31, 2016, 09:44:56 PM Hi Constar-
And welcome! First, do you think your physical safety is in danger? Safety first and there are lots of resources available to help with that. And do you have friends and family close? And then, borderlines hate to lose an attachment, it's the worst thing that can happen, it means abandonment regardless of what actually went down in the relationship, so the one to stop the communication is you. There are a few useful acronyms around here, and the one that comes to mind for you is BIFF, which is brief, informative, friendly and firm. Your desire to keep a consistent message that you're done is good, especially the "consistent" part, that would be firm, and you can also keep the communication brief, stick to business, no emotional communication from you even though he will want to talk about himself, and then be friendly. Straightforward, and in a nutshell be a little bored and disinterested, the goal being to sever the emotional attachment. He'll notice the shift and that won't feel good, and could launch into what's called an extinction burst, where the communication attempts will escalate, and it's up to you to stay the course, which may be difficult, but we're always here for support. And a borderline must have an attachment, so once he feels the one with you fading he will seek others, and eventually will stop trying to contact you. Take care of you! |