BPDFamily.com

I've been on this board in the past. Never registered. Searching the web here I am again. I am 45 y/o. Was involved with a woman 47.  Is diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, panic disorder, & she diagnosed herself with PTSD. Together it All sounds like BPD. We were together for a little over a yr. She thought she loved me. I knew she couldn't realistically love once I began to learn about the disorder. Loving her is what made me stay. Few times tried to break it off but she wouldn't hear of it. I wasn't too upset when she didn't accept it. Finally, I tried to come to terms that she is who she is and is going to do what she does. Following advise on diff sites I began to put the focus on me and not her. For a few months it was working. Didn't worry much about what I couldn't see or hear but in the back of my mind still bothersome. Finally she started to question my distance. I said I was given her space to figure out what she wanted to do. Started to notice her distancing herself from me. Didn't question her but nevertheless wondered if she had already replaced me. About a month later and to no surprise, a new man. Course she denied it but I knew the truth. Was seen all over town with him but if asked that was her new gay best friend. It hurt but I tried to move forward. 1yr later, after countless ignores & fails communication on my part, she is creeping back in. Not often but sporadically.
Weekend before last would've been our anniversary. She shows up, its a Sunday. Wants to take me out. Sure why not? We have a same as before good time. Then we had sex. Having heard from her since. Didn't expect to anyway.  I don't regret the sex because it probably would have happened with any ex. Bpd or not. Except with a nonBPD person I wouldn't question intentions.
She says she's happy and sounds and looks great but it seemed pretentious. She seems happy to be around me. I was too. we've never not enjoyed each others company. If I sound weak, I'm not but worried about my actions. The truth is, I think could have been the perfect match for me. She satisfies my mental needs, but distorts & destroys me emotionally. I don't think she wants for me anymore and I guess a type of sex for a non and a person w/ BPD has 2 distinct effects.
At this point, never done it in the past, I'm going to have to get another person to replace the thoughts of that one. I cannot stop thinking of how we vibe. Was very generous to me. Maybe it was an attempt at leaving a me with a good memory of her and not the past ones. Maybe she's been feeling guilty bout how she left me. Wish I could tell her that I noticed her trying but I didn't want to get too intense on her. But I see her pain and confusion. I cannot feel all of what you feel but I'm hurting for you too.  If we never speak again, that's my friend bc I saw her try.  I can see now why ppl married to BPD & Bipolar sufferes mean when they defend their disorder spouses. I use to call them stupid. They witness the fight between the person and the disorder. I didn't. I went straight to judging the person. Guess that's what worked for me. Thank all who took the time to read.

Sounds like you have a good grasp of the situation and have no regrets.  It took me awhile to understand why a BPD partner would have an attraction to me.  I encourage you to,consider the same
  Best of,luck!

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Analysis of quote #1 & quote#2, are a contradiction. Don't know why a BPD partner would chose me being that they're all individuals with a similar disorder. I do know how i feel about her. No luck yet but thanks for reading.

Hi NoGd4rs-

And welcome!


Which actions are you worried about specifically?


What emotions does it evoke when you think about how you vibe?

I think what the 'what would a pwBPD find attractive about me' point was getting at wasn't dismissing the individuality of pwBPD, but drawing attention to the similarities that form the core of the diagnostic criteria and behaviors.

Pause for a second and consider:
to a person who 'mirrors' at the beginning of a relationship, who has severe attachment issues, who is primarily interested in THEIR needs being met and THEIR interests served, what characteristics do they require in a partner?

I'm a collaborative fixer who sees the best in people and is very willing to put others first.  Those are all good characteristics in my career in social work, but in a relationship with a pwBPD, it led to me sticking around WAY longer than I should have and not setting boundaries where and when I should have.

My ex was not only as an accomplished manipulator as all pwBPD are, but also holds degrees in psych and mental health and had worked her way through school stripping- she saw right through the back of my head and used those traits to jack me around.  As I've tried to let go and move past whats wrong with HER, I've been spending a lot of time thinking how to avoid ever falling for someone like that again.

Focusing of what made her attracted to you and not whats wrong with her not only moves your attention away from the ex, it also puts you back into an area you have real, actual power over- who you are and how you think and behave in the world.

It's not always easy to see ourselves clearly, but its maybe the only thing we really can take control over in these situations.

Good luck!

Thank you.
My actions of going with the flow. All that I've read but not a bone in me wanted to say no to the physical interaction or to hangout. Was like any other night in the past. It didn't feel forced or weird. Thought it should but it didn't.

Other people's comments bout their ex partners with BPD are convincing that any person with the disorder vibes equally with anyone they are mirroring but how to tell the difference. With her not even 5 minutes after almost 1yr and she quickly knows how to answer with my thoughts. Tell a joke using my words. We finish each other's thoughts. Words put together the way I would. I possess a distinct way of thinking/way of putting words together. Seems she does it effortlessly.  first time we spoke I noticed she said things the way I do.
Wish I had a more eloquent way of describing it.
Can deal with the fact her emotions are not steady. Can deal with moving on and her also moving on. Have gotten pass her actions which is said is mostly created by the disorder but having difficulties getting passed the vibrations. Maybe this will explain. I ask, she answers= satisfying answer. both see something weird, funny, strange, whatever= simultaneously similar comments using alike words. I am not blind. noticed a difference. A more manly side this time around. But I get that. She's around a man. She speaks I hear a satisfying melody. Compared to when she speak and im annoyed, thats is when I recognize it as she telling her version of a story.  Could not tell her purpose for showing up on what would have been our anniversary. Hope you find this helpful.

And I hope you find it helpful NoGD; it can be cathartic to tell others your story.  You mention that the relationship ended a year ago, and she showed up a couple weeks ago, and you guys sound like you picked up where you left off, good vibe, and you're here telling us about it.  Are they just obsessive thoughts of her in your head, or are your emotions running with it again too?  Are you looking for ways to move beyond that?

Dazed
Forgiveness for not using you quotes here. Appreciate you clarifying. Been reading for almost 2yrs. Learned a lot from being with her. Learned also not to take it with me for the rest of my life. Hold her accountable for her deception but then I don't. Can't say I'm sure I'm in control  but want to say since I distance myself she didn't break a boundary, Unless unknown to me. She's manipulative but mostly obvious manipulation like that of a child. Like a person with a PD can't be different than who they are, neither can I. My good natured soul is for keeps. I protect it with all my might but neither am I perfect. Thanks again.

Good question. There is a hint of obsession. I wouldn't show at somebody's door step if we had broken up a yr ago. Maybe touch base somehow but not that way. It brought up questions & motive  because of the date. Much more because I'm single and nothing to break up. I live a boring humble life she hears about me. Leaves me wondering. Sure to her was just another physicality and now forgotten but am not her and she's not me.  You have me wondering if I'm trying to  hard to color a standard black & white.