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Title: So weary of it always being all about HER Post by: todayistheday on November 01, 2016, 09:13:09 AM My husband has a serious medical condition at the moment. We have no idea where it will lead. One possibility is surgery.
I mentioned it to uBPD mom and she started in on how this is going to "ruin the holidays". Translated into BPD language is "This year I can blame you for the holidays not being perfect because your husband may not be in perfect medical condition." DH and I are handling things with his medical situation just fine. My Mom's Christmas and Thanksgiving traditions are not on our radar. Well, her main tradition is always to complain about whoever messes up the plans for the year. Last year it was HERSELF. If you remember my posts from last year, she had a knee replacement in September. Thanksgiving is at my house, Christmas at her house and my sister's house next door. Since Mom was not recovered, sister and I worked out a plan to move Thanksgiving to sister's house and Mom blew her top, so we did not. She still claims to be in recovery and not over the knee replacement after 13 months. Everyone else I have heard who had knee replacements said that the initial recovery was rough, then everything was great. I just let her talk and sort of ignored it all. If she is going to blame me (in proxy of my DH) for this year's ruined holiday, there is nothing I can do about it. She finds something every year to say "ruined" the holiday. I have the Scarlett O'Hara approach to all of this. I can take note of it and move on (which I am doing), or I can get weary of it all. The wonderful life that I have being 2 hours away from her has told me which of those two choices is best. Going no-contact is not an option because she is part of the package deal with the rest of my family. My Dad is wonderful and my sister and nephews are next door to her. They are all very enmeshed. I go visit to see the others and she happens to be there. I only try not to do anything on those visits that will set her off in a way to negatively impact the rest of the family. My husband has a life-threatening medical condition. That trumps family lunches on the 4th Thursday in November and on December 25. This one is NOT about her in the least. Title: Re: So weary of it always being all about HER Post by: Naughty Nibbler on November 01, 2016, 01:27:22 PM Hi todayistheday:
I'm so sorry your husband is having a health problem. It is understandable that your husband needs to be your priority. I'm sure you read about FOG (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog) before, but it could be helpful to read it again. Quote from: todayistheday I just let her talk and sort of ignored it all. If she is going to blame me (in proxy of my DH) for this year's ruined holiday, there is nothing I can do about it. She finds something every year to say "ruined" the holiday. Your strategy is good to not react with emotion. Just give her a little VALIDATION (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) and try to terminate the conversation as soon as possible (and avoid further comment - don't JADE). Perhaps you could set your own boundary to NOT participate in any further negative discussions with her. If you can't steer her away from talking about "her ruined holidays", then maybe you just need to terminate the conversation with her as politely and as soon as possible.Some information from the quote below might be helpful for you: Quote from: How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 3 Crucial First Steps - by Britt Bolnick 1. Check your personal engine light. Think about how you feel when you’re around someone who drains you and upsets you, someone with whom you feel you lose yourself. How does this feel in your body? How does it feel in your mind? How does the presence of this person affect you? Now look at this list of feelings and sensations you’ve made, and imagine that your body is like a car, with a dashboard full of warning lights. You’ve just identified what I like to call the “check engine light” for your personal boundary system. It’s a security system warning that your personal energy field has been breached, and you’re letting in stuff that isn’t yours. This is really important. When our boundaries are weak, unguarded, or unclear, we let in all sorts of stuff that isn’t actually our stuff, and we give away our own personal energy unconsciously. That means you’re dealing with a breach of your energetic security system and a leak of your own personal energy. You’re looking at warning signs indicating that some work needs to be done, some boundaries need to be shored up, and you need to return to center. 2. Ground yourself as preparation for maintaining boundaries. Grounding is akin to the way a tree sinks her roots to stay secure in a storm. It’s the first tool in creating healthy boundaries—nurturing a connection with ourselves, our centers. Our root system is both our anchor and our boundary system. It keeps us from being blown about in other people’s winds. It gives us a way to focus and still ourselves to connect with our heart and our intuition. That’s what keeps us steady and connected and focused. There are as many ways to ground as there are people. I like to take five minutes to actually imagine my root system connecting me into the earth, like a giant oak tree. Here are some other ideas: Meditation; breathing exercises; saying a prayer, affirmation, or mantra in the shower in the morning; mindfulness; chanting or repeating affirmations in your head as you walk. Try different ways—you’ll find the one that works for you! 3. Notice the people and places that tend to drain you. Before entering those places or exposing yourself to those people, take a few minutes to imagine breathing a bubble of protective energy around you. Think of it as a space that will only allow love and positivity inside it, deflecting anything else. Really see it and really feel the force of it around you. Then recognize what you need to do to maintain that space. These three steps will help you create and maintain healthy boundaries. Building boundaries is like any muscle or practice—the more you work with it, the better it serves you! Here is the link for the above article: www.tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-set-healthy-boundaries-3-crucial-first-steps/ Title: Re: So weary of it always being all about HER Post by: HappyChappy on November 03, 2016, 05:42:08 AM Hi Todayistheday,
I’m sorry to hear about your husbands life threatening illness. I hope you find a good solution to that, and my best wishes to your husband. You are absolutely right, what you mom is doing is very frustrating. In a scenario such as this, the lack of empathy starts to look quiet ugly. If it helps, my BPD has been doing something very similar. My dad and I have both been ill, and she dispels my PTSD as a silly made up illness all in the head. And my dad’s cancer as such a great burden, as she has ichy skin and she now has to empty the dishwasher all by herself, etc... etc... But the great thing is you seam to be able to see this for what it is. You seam to have thought it all through. But I guess it still niggles us. It is still unfair. He knee still playing up 13 months later and she hasn’t gone back to the Dr with it ? Makes you wonder. But more importantly I hope things work out well for your husband, and you keep ignoring you mom’s provocation. |