BPDFamily.com

Hello, my wife and I have been married for about six months and things have been rocky, to say the least. I do love her very much and we are inarruahe counseling. She recently got a diagnosis of BPD and I'm looking for support or guidance or tools really.  I had a very long term relationship and child with anothrf woman who also had BPD and do not want thus to end the same way.  There have been lies, betrayal and major boundary issues. But I want to get past them, I want to stop obsessing and worrying and get back to being friends with my wife.

Hi Rms,

Glad you found the site, and sorry for what brings you here. It takes a lot of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. There are communication and relationship skills that can help, and we're here to walk with you as you learn them and practice.

Do you feel comfortable talking about the lies, betrayal, and major boundaries issues that have happened? Everyone with BPD is unique and the behaviors can vary a lot, so it helps to know specifics about the problems.

What happened that led to your wife's diagnosis? Does she agree with the diagnosis?

Do you have your own therapist separate from marriage counseling?

Hope you're doing ok. Going from one BPD marriage to another is probably a difficult realization.

LnL

I do not have a solo therapist but am looking for one. She has accepted her diagnosis and is a but freaked out by the label, which I understand. The diagnosis cane from a new psychiatrist, she said she decided to be honest with this one, and got thus got the bod dx.
The betrayals and boundaries crossed had to do with sex and love. I say sex, but nothing physical happened that she has admitted or I found out about. It was through text with a couple people repeatedly, and she lied once saying a massage therapist was coming to massage her, but it was just some guy, not a professional.  They had an ongoing explicit conversation for months.  There was also a man that she had a long term on again off again casual sex relationship with before us.  This bothered me the most.  The night I proposed to her she sent him a message reminiscing about sex, his body, telling him she would have married him instead if he would have her.  She kept communication open with him after I found out. (I found out about all of these things months after the fact). She only truly cut lines of communication with him in the last week. There were many excuses like "I didn't know it was wrong" and "I was scared" but not much true responsibility taken.  I'm just scared I can't trust her, I feel tricked amd obsess that there was more I didn't find out.  Especially after escaping from an abusive BPD relationship in the past.  I love my wife a lot and hate that we are at this point.   It's been about 10 months since I discovered this stuff but it comes back and the anger and hurt follows.

It's weird, but the thing that keeps coming back to me that all the things I saw her say to other men, she has never said to me, even when I tried to initiate sexual conversation.

That has to really hurt  

There can be an abandonment dynamic where she seeks validation without wanting to be emotionally intimate, knowing she can push that person away before she herself is rejected.

Was your first wife prone to the same infidelities?

Yes, she was prone to the same infidelities, as well as physical affairs too.  Maybe was much more extreme with her anger though, she was scary when blowing up and was physically abusive which my current wife is not.  The thing that is worrying me about this new diagnosis is that I had escaped my ex, and now I'm just dreading that this will turn into thst.