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Well this is the hard part for me as my marriage burns down around me... .I start to second guess what really happened.  Maybe I could have done that differently, maybe I could have done this differently... .the message plays over and over in my head, what if I had only dealt with so many things differently... .I failed over and over.

The other question... .what if it doesn't happen in the next relationship, what if I somehow made her behave this way?  It's really hard for me right now as in our small community she is destroying me in a smear campaige that will take years to dig out of... .

Hi Newstart,

There probably isn't a single human in an intimate relationship who has not made some mistakes or has had disagreements with their partners. No two people join together who are exactly alike, there are no perfect people.

However, relationships with disordered people can take on dysfunctional patterns. Yes, it takes two. But thinking back on the would have should have, while natural, isn't going to change what happened. Using this information for the future might help you do something different.

First - while it takes two to participate in dysfunctional patterns, that does not change the fact that each person is responsible for their own choices. You did not make your wife behave like she did. She didn't make you behave like you did. You are both responsible for your choices.

As to your concerns about the next relationship if there is one. Yes, someone who chooses and participates in a dysfunctional relationship and who leaves that relationship without doing personal work or gaining insight about his/her role in it is at risk for experiencing similar issues in subsequent relationships.

Regardless of what happens in your marriage, getting personal help for yourself with your own issues can benefit you. And if this relationship ends, doing this kind of personal work can help with future ones.