BPDFamily.com

Hi!  I am in the middle of reading stop walking on eggshells, and I know I need to reach out.  My husband of 11 yrs  confided in me 3 years ago he was an alcoholic (high functioning--although I suspected it).  And a sex addict.  At the beginning of the book, I answered most every question with a yes, it seems so obvious he has BPD but he hasn't been officially told this.  We have 3 small children and I'm at the point where I don't know whether I can Stay or not.  One minute it's good, next it's not and I feel like I'm hitting my limit.  I have been in therapy for 3 years, but I had to take a break because I was feeling really down after sessions.  My husband has tried therapy at my urging but really isn't into it, nor does he feel it offers him anything of value.  When we talk about separating, he becomes very black and white--one minute he will do anything to stop it, next minute he will tell me how awful I am.  So leaving seems very scary indeed.  But then when times are "good", I'm still feeling empty and feeling like I want more out of a partner.  Like someone who hears me and values my input and point of view.  Also he really hasn't stopped drinking, although I know he isn't drinking as much.  I don't even begin to know what to do there as I have tried to set limits but I feel like a failure there.  He is very good at hiding it and lying about it.  The sex stuff is a whole other can of worms I'm not sure how to work out or what to do.  Well, that's it in a nutshell.  Feeling stuck!

Hi Namamam,

*welcome*

I understand how you want a  reciprocal relationship, a mutual respect for each other's point of view and help each other see things that you may not see, validating with listening and reading between the lines.

I've felt burnt out sometimes from doing self work in therapy because some of the things I was working on was emotionally difficult stuff, sometimes I felt burnt out from the things that where going in life, it takes a lot of energy when you have small kids, I'm a single dad, S5, S8, D10 and I recall how much energy my ex wife too, are you getting help with the kids from H?

I notice that you mentioned alcohol a couple of times and sort of rationalized by saying that he is not drinking as much, substance abuse is substance abuse, he's not interested in self work, has he gotten help in the past for alcohol?

Thanks for reaching out, Mutt!

Ugh--the alcohol thing.  No he will not get help.  He has broken promise after promise to get help.  I really don't know if I need to handle with kid gloves or come down like a hammer or if there is some kind of in between.  He is still drinking, but I'm never sure when he is, mostly a lot of little clues here and there.  he only over does it occasionally now (boy those are bad nights!)  I think this is why I say it is better now than it was, but it is always a lurking issue.  Not to mention the hidden bottles I occasionally find.  I wish the book had more to say on what to do if there is substance abuse--maybe I haven't gotten to that part yet!  But I would like the drinking to stop because I never know what kind of person he will become when he drinks.  Not physical but verbal abuse for sure (when drinking). 
Everything is complicated bc Im a stay at home mom.  So does he help?  Some, but most things fall on my shoulders.
Thanks for listening! 

I read about your husbands alcohol problem and had a couple of thoughts. I am very new to learning about BPD, though. I am close to graduation in college. I am studying to become a chemical dependency counselor. For family members of people struggling with substance use disorder, I strongly recommend the book Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change, A Guide for Families by Jeffery Foote. Another good resource is motivationandchange.com

I hope this helps. The book focuses on empowering family members. First of all, make sure you are practicing self care. It talks a lot about working with you loved one without confrontation. You can help your loved one without them having to admit to having a problem and even if they are not ready just yet. It is backed by scientific research. Many families have had great success with this approach. I wish you the best!

Thank you for the resources on substance abuse!  You are right that confrontational approaches do not seem to get us anywhere.  I will order that book. 
This is where I start to feel down, though--all this work to be in a relationship with a BPD and all this work to be in a relationship with an alcoholic.  I know I'm improving myself and making a difference in all my relationships, but it's hard raising the small kids and then having a huge burden on myself to completely learn a way to manage myself around him.  I feel the need to get away sometimes or just shut down!

And then there is his constant complaining that I'm not more available to him sexually.  I just want I laugh in his face at this point.  I have spent 2 years trying to get through his head that not only am I exhausted from having kids, but also he doesn't step up and help me AND he practically ignores me when he gets home from work (though not in an unfriendly way, more antisocial) until he wants to have sex.  And he is emotionally unavailable, so I feel like I have no connection with him--which I need for me to really want sex. 

Okay,  thank you all again for listening.  Probably should get back in therapy, but it's hard because after 2 1/2 good years, felt like my therapist and I got stuck on the same round and round message.

I hear what you are saying. You sound totally depleted. That is understandable with all that you are dealing with. In my relationship, I feel exhausted and burned out. There are times when I just feel "done". All I can say is try your best to take care of yourself. I understand that living with a loved one who takes so much out of you can make you feel like it is just too much to ask for you to help them. Thank you for sharing your experience!

Hi namama,

What is your support network like in real life? What do you like to do for self care?

Where do you guys turn for support?  I have my sister, who's husband is a recovering alcoholic so she gets it.  My therapist.  A friend who we talk about our husbands, but she really doesn't even know the whole story.  We live in a small town and AA/Al-Anon  doesn't seem like it will be anonymous enough

My mom gets BPD, she's the one that suspected that my ex wife has BPD, nobody else in my family gets it, my family means well but they're often invalidating by saying things like "get over it". It's not that simple  :) I talk to a T when I feel like I need it and I talk to my mom because I find that we're similar, she' non-judgemental and doesn't invalidate, sms2099 raised a really good point about self care, this support group helped a lot but self care is really important, and it's good to do it often, it's not easy raising three kids on my own, I needed an outlet for stress, so one thing that my T suggested was exercise. I started weight lifting and it helped me mentally, it alleviates stress and boosts my mood.

6.01 | What does it mean to take care of yourself? (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=112473.0)

Mutts--I took your exercise advice!  After I read your post, I decided to go to Zumba last night.  I had been going, but had stopped for a couple months.  It felt good to say I'm going and I need this for myself!  Maybe the exercise will help clear my mind an it and help me become unstuck.  I do go out with friends once a week or so and I read a lot on my downtime. 

Glad you have your mom to talk to--I think a family member who gets you and is nonjudgmental is really helpful.  I don't call my sister a lot with these problems, but I know she's there for me when it gets reeaally bad.

How long ago did you get divorced (if it's ok to ask?)?  Is this something that you came to a point and said it needs to happen or were you still really agonizing about it when it happened?  I really put forth this effort for the kids.  He's not a bad dad, he has a way to go but ultimately he cares for them very much and I think it's good to be together if we can.  So my dilemma is Can I handle this for the long run or not, and does my need for peace come at the expense of my children? 

I'm happy to hear that you decided to go back to the gym Everyone is different, but most people will find that they will feel better after exercising. I went to the Dr a few months ago and was reffered to a psychologist and to a social worker and the social worker promoted exercise for anxiety and depression, he gave me a free month pass to a local YMCA, at first I rejected it but having suffered anxiety and depression for most of my adult life, I found that it a helped lot with alleviating the symptoms for depression and stress, I was becoming overwhelmed by the kids and work, I was in survival mode. I was excited that I found something that helps me with staying ahead of anxiety and depression. Another tip is continue exercising when you feel better because people sometimes stop doing the things that make them feel better when they feel better.

I also like the fact that the 45 minutes to an hour and a half that I spend in the gym daily is my time, it's unterrupted, I won't pick up the phone if I get a call. It's nice to have that "me time"


I received my divorce decree in October 2015 and my ex wife and I were separated since early 2013, thankfully it was not as high conflict as other people on the boards, I gave into some concessions because I valued my mental health more than a dollar value, you can't put a price on your mental health.

I had come to a point in our marriage, after exhausting our options i.e. marriage counseling where I felt like I had tried everything that I could think of to make things better, I did the best that I could with what I knew at the time, I didn't know about BPD then either and out of frustration I said that I wanted a divorce. Randi's book says to not threaten a pwBPD with divorce because it will trigger what the person fears the most - abandonment. I thought that I would try to scare her with threats of divorce, maybe she would do some serious work on herself but my bluff triggered her fear of abandonment and I was split black.

At the time of separation, I regretted that I had threatened her with divorce because my marriage was falling apart, I had stayed in the marriage because I wanted to stay close to the kids to protect them. My ex would specifically pick fights in front of the kids when I had told her how much I hated that she did that. It wasn't good for the kids to see mom attack dad in front of them, what I had feared and felt a lot sadness over turned out to be the best thing thing that happened - divorce.

I get to spend more time with the kids and I feel better because I don't feel emotionally exhausted with dealing with my ex wife's emotional immaturity, it felt like dealing with an overgrown child. My time and energy is spent more wisely on my kids, that's how I feel about it anyway. It's a choice that is a personal one, what I feared most, breaking up the family, was better for us in the long run, because now I spend more time with the kids, their father needed to protect not from inside the marriage, but more productively from outside of the  marriage.

Thank you for sharing your story!  This is such a confusing time and it's good to hear how other people handled their situations.  I'm glad you feel at peace with your choice.  I go back and forth in my mind--but I know he has BPD, just. It sure still If I can handle it when he doesn't seek treatment.  Right now we are having a bit of an upswing, but I know that will change, he also spent tue-fri mad at me.  But I'm proud of myself for not worrying too much about it.  If I can just hang on to my calm while my choice becomes clearer, that will be good.

I hear you about talking about divorce maybe too soon.  It comes up a lot more than I'd like, but it's because he knows I'm upset so he badgers me by telling me I want to divorce him, I should just do it.  After a pleasant evening of this and me telling him it's not true, I find myself shutting down and not talking at all.  I feel like one of these days this is going to lead to an actual divorce! 

I'm so glad to hear that you feel good about your family now.  That is my biggest worry.  When we start talking divorce, I start to panic, but then I remind myself that I CAN figure out whatever problems come up.  Ugh, this is no fun.

I guess really I'm in a place that the love that I have for him doesn't compensate anymore for how much I hate the bs!

Back to reading the eggshells book.  :)