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This is the first time ive acknowledged i need help. Im sad, confused and feel like a punching bag for a woman i was once engaged to and now barely speaking unless i intiatite it. She will write and say amazingly kind things then two hours later if im out with friends or even family members  ill get a text saying  the complete opposite. Please give me some advice. She knows she needs help , she was told by one place they cant fit her in for five months. I want to hang around for a lifetime but i truly dont know if i can remain on this roller coaster til then. Untreated BPD sucks. I have to say i was happy when she wad finally diagnosed 2 months ago because there is now a reason shes been so different. We have been together almost 3 years next month but the last 10 months of been unsteady... Pleasre help

Hi Jane2009,

A diagnosis is a good baseline to know where things are,  but it isn't a panacea.  The hopeful thing is that you know where she is coming from.  The lessons in the right margin are a good place to start continuing to educate yourself. 

Understanding BPD, that is how she feels deep down and views the world,  is a good place to start. There's nothing wrong at all with going on with your life and other (normal) relationships. Unfortunately,  due to the disorder,  she sees it otherwise.  Likely,  "I'm not loved.  I feel abandoned." Her feelings her reality,  and therfore fact,  in her mind. 

What's the living situation with you two right now?   

Turkish

Hi Jane2009,

*welcome*

I'd like to join  C<||| Turkish and welcome you to bpdfamily. I can see how frustrating the push / pull dynamic of a pwBPD, it can feel like crazy making behavior to the non disordered partner. You're not alone. I think that it takes courage to reach out for help, many of us here can relate with what you're going through because a lot of the behaviors are invisible and the acting out is usually behing closed doors, people that are close to you, friends, family may not see this other side of your partner.

I agree it is difficult when your partner is not diagnosed or getting
help, I think that it's good news that at least she know that she needs help. That being said, it sounds like you have hope after you heard the news that she was diagnosed a couple of months ago and I'm guessing that it may of been short lived and your asking yourself what do I now? It helps to learn as much as you can about the disorder, you will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time.


A pwBPD self loath, have low self esteem and feel a lot of shame, some experts say that BPD is a shamed based disorder, i think that it would difficult experiencing these feelings every day, feeling like you are defective. When we learn what drives a pwBPD, the crazy making behaviors start to make sense and we come to the realization that our pwBPD are have internal struggles that they may not share with others because they may fear that the person will leave them and the behaviors are not personal to us. A goal that you can set for yourself it to become indifferent to the behaviors, you neither like it or hate it, that was a huge step for me with the pwBPD in my life because I started to feel less resentful towards her and the communication improved.

These are speculations, it could be one or more reasons why she began texting the opposite when you went out, she may of felt shame and that your friends and family more than you like her or she may be scared that your going to abandon her, at the center of the disorder is the core wound of abandonment, a narcissistic injury, a pwBPD fear being abandoned, real or perceived. Do you give her re-assurance when you go out?