BPDFamily.com

Well, I jumped on here at the eleventh hour to try to save things and it was to little to late... .

It was a no win... .I really tried... .my two best friends said "finally it's been brutal to watch... .

No matter what... .not such a good space to be

We'll be with you on this journey.

Thanks Skip, not going to be an easy road, but I woke up today ready for the journey.  I'm not going to kid myself as I'm sure there are going to be up days and down through this, but as I said in another post there is a sense that a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders too... .

NS

And you both may change your mind. Family court can be a torture chamber - its easy to get baited and triggered and they cycle of conflict grows. Stay out of the fray. There are still several chapters to play out and you never really know how they might go.

Skip,
So here's where it is all at now... .she sent me a text, yeah a text?

"Well it's pretty clear this idea of cohabitation isn't going to lead to any happy endings... .I'm willing to sit down with a mediator and discuss property /assets.  Since we don't have kids together I would think we could be amicable and avoid extra attorney fees. That's what a judge would order us to try first anyways so let me know if you want me to find one or if you do."

So of course I said that's not what I wanted, what can I/we do to try to repair etc... .and she responded... ."Anyways would you like me to see who's available?" and I replied, "Well if that's it, I think you're making a huge mistake... "  Aaaand at that point the wheels came off and I was a narcissist, liar, cheat etc etc etc... .

At that point the light bulb came on and I just stopped... .no more engaging.  I just went with it, "Yeah, why don't you see what mediators are out there. Sounds like we have some tough decisions ahead and we should probably come up with a plan of how to tell the kids etc."

This morning she seemed to backpedal and try to engage me, that I was only loved the house not her, it's been my f'd up decisions that has done this... .I didn't bite... .finally... .and it felt good.

Obviously my conflict now is wanting to reach out, wanting to proactively try to fix it... .but, I think I'm going to just let her drive it so she can see it clearly.  This is what she wants, well she's going to have to bring it to fruition... .

Hope that's the right choice... .

NS

She may not know what she wants. I suspect that if you want to "save" the relationship or put it in a place to possibly save it (and hedge your bets in case she really is done) is to notch it back a bit. Don't try to fix. Don't try to resolve.

Listen to her... .let her feel heard.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

Express that you want the best for her (don't overstate this, just lightly hang it out there). Don't overplay or underplay right now - hit the mid point with a slight bias to underplay.

This will help if it goes in either direction.

This is Detaching Board, so I will say this as Detaching advice - do not resuscitate. Don't slam the door, but do not resuscitate and don't jump for breadcrumbs. Don't convey how this hurts. Be strong. stable, coo.l.

That sounds like sound advise Skip... .I will keep on the current track and if she brings it up again I will let me know that I want the best for her no matter what direction we take.

So should I be posting on the conflicted board as well?  I'm a bit confused for sure, trying to disconnect from hope to shield myself I guess... .

Been in this place before, and heard many of the same things.
Don't engage her at all. When she uses words like divorce, mediator, etc., she knows they will trigger a reaction with you (it triggered the 'save the r/s' response, which was absolutely what she wanted), and that's why she's doing it. When she then moves to the 'it's your fault/narcissist' rhetoric, she knows it will trigger a reaction with you and that's why she's doing it.

Anytime you engage her with a reaction to her antics, you reinforce that they're working and she will double down on them.

Hi NewStart

Agreed with Skip and NorthFace; try not to escalate.  There is always the option to listen attentively but not engage the rhetoric.  Hard to do for sure but if you have any lingering ideas of saving then letting her express her feelings to you is a good place to start from.

Keep us posted.

Good advice and I've been following it. When she has gone off, I don't acknoledge the communication at all or just respond to the pertinent business points if they are there. 

We'll all see how this plays out over time I guess... .and I will make sure to actively listen when and if those opportunities arise... .

NS