BPDFamily.com

Hi, I'm new to this site. Got married about a year ago for the first time in my life at age 54.  My husband is fun, funny, energetic, interesting, kind hearted, etc. And... .then he gets annoyed or angry over the craziest things that don't make any sense. If I try to defend myself because I really didn't say/do what he is accusing me of, he gets even angrier and insists that I'm being dishonest about my behavior or feelings and things just escalate. 
I don't get angry back, I'm not a yeller or anything but I don't know how to validate his feelings when I think they're so out of line. I can't say I agree or apologize for what I didn't do. Even if I try to apologize to end things, he then says I'm not apologizing for the right thing etc... .and it continues. Sometimes a fight will last for a couple days because I don't know how to end it and he won't until he breaks me.  98% of our arguments are him getting upset with me over terribly insignificant things that to him are monumental. I know I can't change him, what do I do on my end to not get sucked into the drama and just end the argument. I seem to feel compelled to defend myself.

Hi ABCDEFG :)

You are welcome here. 

Those arguments that seemingly blow up out of nowhere and then escalate and then go round and round until you might even think that somehow you are the one that started it and are guilty of all kinds of absurd things - well, they are familiar to many members here. Profoundly frustrating, confusing, hurtful, and ultimately damaging not just to the relationship but to you and your self-esteem, if it continues.

Please have a look at this: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=118892.0

It's about JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain - and how not to do those things when having an argument with someone who is not being rational, in this case your BPD partner.

It works well in many situations, but can be especially helpful in the kind you talk about in your post.

The workshop I've suggested is comprised of members talking about their own experiences and how they tried to put this into action. Let us know what you think!

 

Hi and welcome!

Defending ourselves is a very normal response. It just doesn't work!

It is true that his feelings do not seem to fit the situation. But, if you can accept that he DOES feel what he currently feels (without judging whether he SHOULD feel that) then that's a start. Non-BPD people can "deal with" their emotions - we can put things in perspective and stop ourselves from overacting. People with BPD cannot. So:
Step 1) accept his emotion.

Step 2) Ignore what he is saying! "You did X to make me feel bad!". He feels bad. He doesn't know why - it's 99% because he's broken - but he isn't mature enough to accept that. (People with BPD live with great shame - and see things as all or nothing. Accepting their own flaws means seeing themselves as 0% worthy. They can't/won't do it). Ignore the "you did X" part and focus on the "I feel bad" part.

Step 3) Find some empathy. Find the "grain of truth" in what he says. If he says "I can't believe you want to go out with your friends and ditch me. You don't love me at all!" - try to understand what it must feel like to feel unloved. Don't judge whether he should feel that or not, but accept he feels unloved.

So putting it together: "I am so sorry I have made you feel unloved. That must be painful to feel that your wife doesnt' love you.". Don't JADE! You may need to respond to a few of his statements in this way until he calms a little. Then after he calms - insert some truth. "Seeing my friends helps me relax." and try to help him solve his own problem "How can we make it less painful for you?". (Offer suggestions if needed).

It takes months/years to get the right words and tone.

Hope this helps!