BPDFamily.com

Hi,
I'm looking for understanding and sage advice.  My child is 16, diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago.  The problems started long before.  It's been a hard road with 2 residential treatment facilities and one hospitalization.  I realize now that's not as tough as many here have it.  I am grateful for the progress, grateful to have my child.  But the journey takes a toll.  I am a single mom, living in a place with no family, demanding job.  Because of my child's difficulty with my family and friends, I'm somewhat isolated, cut off because no one can handle being around my kid.  Now I've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression.  Not something I would have thought possible just a few years ago.  I feel the decline and I know I have to stop it.  Put on my oxygen mask.
I realize that I have trouble setting limits with my child. I'm empathetic, sorry that my baby has had to suffer with this illness. After being on suicide watch so much, I have had time to think about life without my only child.  And I couldn't bear it.  However... .I'm sinking.  And I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.
I have learned that if what I'm doing isn't working, I need to change it.  So after a very bad patch with a lot of terrible things said by my child, I decided to set limits.  It sounds so easy but I'm really having trouble.  I try to just ask.  Please don't yell at me, please try to get some school work done, please clean after yourself, please help with your pets.  All pretty reasonable requests.  But I am evil for suggesting these most of the time and then comes the blame and accusations of hate and abandonment.  Which are so far from the truth of how I feel and act.  Recently my child said that they were done, they didn't want a relationship with me.  My heart broke.  I took another day of abuse and then decided no more.  So I wrote out my list of "requirements."  I re-read and edited several times and was just about to deliver them when I decided to stop, take a moment and come for support. 
What I want isn't on the list.  What I want is to be able to love my baby.  The list of requirements is only to serve two purposes:  regain my mental and emotional stability and put my child on a path to have the life I know they want.  My problem is that without consequences, there is no motivation.  So I think that if I am to stand up and say NO you cannot disrespect your mother, you must go to therapy, you must study, and so on, there must be something to compel them.  Because just asking gets us nowhere.  But ultimatums are dangerous.  They can be damaging if you follow through and if you don't.  I feel lost.  I don't know how to make my child stop hurting me and start helping themselves. 
If this sounds familiar to anyone and you have advice, lessons learned, anything... .I could use the help.  My therapist advised that my decline is accelerating and I really do need to change the dynamic.  I guess I'm just afraid of making things worse instead of better.  BPD is tricky, a delicate balance.  I can't seem to find my balance.  Thanks for listening.  Always grateful for the help here.

Hi there Quama

Welcome. I'm  sorry you feel yourself sinking and you obviously love your daughter very much and want her to be happy. It's sounds like you've got a lot on your shoulders as you try and deal with your daughter on your own. It's certainly a lot for anyone to carry.

We all have our own story and some posts I may read on here sound horrendous and sometimes I think "oh my giddy aunt" (that means I'm shocked). What I will say though that there's been times I've found that I needed advice on small practical matters, like getting him to keep his room tidy, and I've still posted and there's been help, sharing and advice.

Small things in our lives really are important, small changes put together make big changes. Please never think your problems aren't important or not serious enough to ask for help or even to just vent.

This forum is for everybody, we are all at different stages, with far ranging experiences and knowledge. We all understand and share the hardship of dealing with our loved one.

My BPD is 25 and my son. He only got diagnosed last year following a 10 year long, sad, dramatic saga. He's also a quiet BPD and internalises so he doesn't rage or verbally hit me so at first glance my situation is very different to yours. This forum has been my lifesaver.

I started by reading the Information and skills on the top right of this page. The knowledge I gained about BPD helped me better understand his very real limitations.  I practised validation skills and improving communication with my Bpds as my first priority was to improve our relationship as it had broken down. Basically, I changed the environment that we lived in and posted regularly as I hit my problems on the way.

I've learnt how to speak to him in a better way by keeping my sentences short, listening and not reacting to what he tells me.
You sound like you're a strategic thinker and problem solver. I'm similar and found this really helped me as it can be overwhelming with information overload and trying to live and keep your head above the water. I didn't set any boundaries or limits straight away as my BPDs was seriously depressed and wouldn't have managed. I took small baby steps focussing on three areas that I felt would help him.

Take very good care of yourself and I hope you find some balance very soon. One day at a time.

Start arming yourself by reading and practising those validation skills.

What sort of limits do you think you want or think you need?

L

Thank you Lollypop.  You words are very comforting and validating.

I want my child to respect me, as a parent.  She feels that she can criticize and condemn me at will, with very harsh words and then freeze me out.  Until of course she needs something.  I want to set the limit that this behavior is not acceptable.  I do not accept the role of emotional punching bag.  I'm not asking a BPD person to suddenly not have it, but I do not want her to believe that it's OK to take everything out on me.  I honestly don't know how to enforce this.  I don't want any consequence of crossing the limit to feel like abandonment or punishment.  She gets very upset and feels abandoned if I even walk away during a tirade.  It makes me feel trapped.  The longer the episode goes, the more stressed I am and my ability to respond in a constructive manner dissipates.
Negative spiral!

There are other limits, but right now in order for me to be in a place to continue to provide support, that's the one I need.
Thanks again!

Hi quama

This is a copy of a post from LBJ to me. I thought it'd be useful.

I have found it most helpful in communicating with my daughter to:

"Be brief

Not use the word "should"

Remind her only once of an established agreement that we made together

State my expectation that she honor our agreement and then end the conversation

Wait... .wait... .wait... .Did she honor our agreement?  If not, we have a conversation about our agreement and I ask her "do we need to revisit our agreement or are you prepared to honor it now?"

Many times in her younger years she would say "I lied" when I would remind her of our agreement.  Then whatever the consequences of violating said agreement would come into play.

Rock solid, sky high, thick concrete boundaries in the form of consequences... .every ... .single... .time."


My approach changed. I never had deep conversations. Not until he felt safe and I wouldn't react.

I found it was all about me becoming the parent he needs, not the one I thought I should be. Deciding on priorities.

LBJ posted a marvellous guide to the difference between limits and boundaries. I will try and find it. Basically, a boundary is yours and it may be "you do not hit me"; it's about what you personally want to live and there has to be consequences.

Limits can ne negotiated and they may be directly related and appropriate to the age of your BPD.

Start practising those validation skills. Get a better understanding of your daughter limitations and how she struggles to cope.

I'm sorry this is birief but I have to go out now.

Hugs

L

Thanks Lollypop (and LBJ indirectly) I am re-reading some of these tools.  It takes repetition for me too.
I'm going to practice validation more and then give setting boundaries and limitations another try.
I think respect is a boundary, while clean up after yourself is a limitation.  I  need to approach those accordingly.  As always, appreciate the help!

Hi friends,

I have been reading your conversation with great interest. I also have a daughter, 16, with recently diagnosed BPD. I love my daughter, but I have been more and more nervous about having her around, because I never know what will trigger her. I am also very nervous when she's not around, because I fear for her safety. Either way, she's full of surprises all the time, and I feel emotionaly exhausted. I guess I am putting myself in a very helpless position, without any control over the various situations that occur.
That is of course why your conversation is helpful. I went to read the suggested text about validation and I will try to apply the process.
As for limitations, I have recently tried to make respect (no insults) a rule to go by. It worked at first, then she crossed the line and had a consequence (no cellphone for 3 days) and then a few days later, she went into such a big crisis that she screamed many times that she would kill me, before running off with my car (she doesn't have a drivers' licence!). I had to call the police and they found her and brought her to the hospital (she had no accident, thank God). Now she's out, and I feel I have to start all over again with the respect rule. Back to square one, feeling soo nervous about her.

So thanks for the inspiration, I will try validation and set the respect limit again.
It is great to have such a place as this, where I can relate to others this way.