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It's been almost 15 months since she left me and I've dedicated an insane amount of time examining my relationship with my ex girlfriend. I guess I knew deep down she was cheating on me the whole time but I didn't want to believe it or face not having her in my life so I chose to act like she wasn't and all the lies she told me were true. It wasn't until she went to jail that I didn't have her around anymore and I could finally step back and put the pieces together to figure out she'd been cheating on me just about everyday with a number of her exes or new guys too some I could figure out and some I prob had no clue about. It may help to know that she was highly addicted to meth and gbl and that was a major part of our relationship.
My big problem now is that we are done forever. I know that and I don't want to be with her ever again because I think she is the most evil person I have ever known. What I need help with is the feeling I still get when something reminds me of her habitual cheating and pathological lies. Maybe it's ego or deep psychological wounds but I need to find a way to get over these feelings because I'm stuck and can't move on with my life feeling this way.
Can anyone help me understand why BPD women lie and cheat so much. Why couldn't I be enough?
Thanks

Infidelity is the ultimate betrayal. You are suffering from a betrayal wound. Those run deep. It's best to talk it out.


You had BPD and substance addiction... .there is emotional weakness and desperation... .


Everyone in your situation asks this question... .it's not about you.

We'll work through this with you. Your feelings and wounds are normal.

Hi LAEmpty,

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I can relate with your post. I suspected that my ex-wife was cheating but I was avoidant, I did ask her once and she denied it, I felt like I had invested too much trust in her at the time. That being said, 15 months of ruminating is a long time. I'm glad that you decided to join us, a lot of us have been in your shoes.


If you reflect on these thoughts, what feelings can you identify with on the grieving wheel?

(https://sarahyoung1119.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/5-stages-of-grief3.jpg)

The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0)

Hi LAempty,
I recently went through finding out my BPDH was cheating probably over a 9 year period.  And when caught and confronted he lied.  Of course.  Only admitted to what I had proof of.  I was losing my mind looking for proof and trying to catch him last summer.  A day came when I couldn't do it anymore.  I couldn't rack my brain as to why's and how's and live a normal life.  I decided I would leave and that it no longer mattered.  I had enough proof.  I would only get lies from him and drive myself crazy looking for clues.  So I stopped.  Whenever I caught myself trying to check up on something or sneak around to spy I made myself stop by saying it doesn't matter.  And it has slowly gotten easier. 

Also, I can never go back if I don't have the truth and I will never get it so I can never go back. 

Sometimes I start to waver and it all crashes in on me.  The pain, the hurt ,the lies.  How sick I was - not eating or sleeping for months. 

I hope you find a way to have peace and leave it in the past.  I know it is a challenge.

The cheating... .interesting how when confronted with it there are 3 kinds of reactions

- denying it and actually accusing you of doing that (projection)
- admitting it but putting the blame for it on you (you pushed me into having an affair)

... .and very rarely... .

- feeling guilty and overcompensating (re-seduction only till you are back into the fold)

And... .it is really not about you... .Although it is normal to have that feeling... ."Why wasn't i enough".

Maybe that's the problem right there... .For one person having to be enough in your life... .it is the ultimate commitment.
And it scares the hell out of BPDs, cause this both raises fear of Abandonment and fear of Engulfment.

So they cheat because of the thrill involved, and their need for attention and validation, but also cause they are afraid to be totally dependant on one person.

Really there is no possible way to ever get closure over cheating from a BPD.
I hired a private investigator when I suspected my BPDxW was cheating.
I had video of them together, text messages for weeks from her iPad and she denied everything and tried to say it wasn't her.  Even with video of her car, license plate close ups of her face, it still wasn't enough to get her to admit that it was her.  I was accused of being crazy and jealous, that I was probably cheating on her which caused me to be suspicious of her.  It definitely makes you crazy for a while, but eventually you get to the place where all the evidence is enough to confirm your own feelings and give you peace of mind that you're making decisions based on fact rather than gut feelings.
My therapist has really helped me get to the place where I don't need closure to be OK with how things turned out.  I know the truth, I don't need her to admit it in order to move on.