BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone,

So I never went to see a therapist or doctor but I had a 6 month relationship with a girl who probably had BPD and also a very troubled life anyway to cut things short I have a fear of abandonment and especially with her I felt she was going to leave me any minute! We were in an LDR and I didn't see her much at all so it was hard to judge what or who she was. She was also doing the usual push and pull which made me feel like something was wrong at times and she maybe wanted someone else... .

Also this was my first relationship ever... .I am 23/M

It wasn't until the 3 months into our relationship I started to stalk her behaviors online and act like a crazy person , look at her Facebook/Instagram obsessively and look at the people she would talk to and ask her who this or that is... .

Anyway in the end she did discard and abandon me and then I went into rage and anger and sadness and that was a complete blow to my self esteem but NEVER cut myself or had suicidal thoughts but I've read this was sort of BPD behaviour.

Also just a week before she discarded me I dumped her because I was tired of her constant flirting and pushing/pulling behavior... .

I was also extremely jealous she wanted to talk to people from my country (random internet strangers) which bugged me because I felt she was going to try and sleep with someone (Maybe it's my insecurities but her sexual history was really into all this) Also I was manipulative at times  and tried to tell her things that would stop her from talking to these online strangers... (We met being online strangers as well and i felt she would find someone to replace me)

I know all these behaviors are not healthy surely I had a role in this unhealthy relationship or maybe it was unhealthy coping mechanisms I don't know but honestly I've never stalked someone before online or care about someone in such a way... .

I don't have a bad childhood my mother raised me up well and always made sure I was loved... .But I don't know why I couldn't trust my possible BPD ex at all... . Also she has a history of bad relationships and she cheated on her ex for me which is another reason Why I didn't trust her... .

She really messed up my head so much and sometimes made me feel like I have BPD

She found someone that was from the same ethnicity as me and really put her relationship to my face without any regret... .she has very few friends and everyone was shocked at how her deep and intense relationship with me ended and she moved on to someone new? And started to do everything with this new guy... .?


Is it possible to have a Fear of Abandonment without having BPD ? I was reading about attachment disorders and found I am anxious preoccupied and it's something I am trying to work on . I just want to be normal again.

Yes, I think *most* people have some fear of abandonment. I know I've had some pretty severe bouts with it myself, and I'm not even close to BPD in any way. [Aside: The great majority of BPD characteristics are common or normal. In pwBPD, they are stronger, harder to address, and more of them!]

And it sounds like this gf's behavior made jealousy and fear of losing her very reasonable on your part. So whatever fear of abandonment you might have had before would be worse around her.

After being discarded like that, rage and anger and sadness sound like very normal reasonable feelings for you to have.

How long ago did you break up?

A lot of what you describe as your crazy behaviour was probably brought about by her inconsistancies. We have our gut feelings that somethings wrong. A battle between logic and our hearts. When little things they do start to not make sense even subconsciously then we seek answers. Hence the crazy stalking.

As for fear of abandonment yes its a normal behaviour. A lot of BPD behaviour is normal just dialled up to the extremes. We have probably all had fear of abandonment as a child. A lot of behaviours we out grow but they can be triggered again.

Ive learnt a lot about my exs behaviours by looking at my childhood. I can with identify a lot of them. The difference is I outgrew them where as both my uBPD exs havent.

I have rejection sensitivity and fears of abandonment. I doubt it's due BPD. BPD seems to have attachment disturbances across all or most relationships, whereas my attachment style is "secure" with family and friends and "fearful-avoidant" only in romantic relationships. I'm not sure why, but I am seeking a professional opinion. My best guess is that my romantic disturbances are the result of a trauma I suffered during my first bipolar mania at 18. I was shy and anxious in dating before that episode, but I was popular with women, and I enjoyed their attention. Ever since that episode, I lose my moorings as soon as a woman takes an interest in me. I am so lonely, but it's easier not to get involved. My fears tend to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.