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I was reading some threads here and processing my own situation, and was wondering about the intense pain of the final discard and finally ending a BPD r/s.

Sure ending any r/s/getting divorced is sad and painful and sure we mourn for our loss, but ending a BPD r/s seems to illicit an extra intense sense of grief as it there has been some kind of death. Sure you can say it's the death of the r/s and the death of your dreams of a future with that person, but I think there's something else.

When we finally end our BPD r/s we usually come to find out that this person that we thought was so incredible, we loved so completely and loved us so completely never really existed. We thought we met this incredible person during the idealization phase who was so perfect for us, but then we eventually come to find out that they were just mirroring ourselves back at us.

When we come to these painful conclusions we kind of have to lay that person who we thought we knew to rest, and in a way we let that illusion (and that person) die in a sense. I think maybe that's why we feel so much grief. It's more than the death of a r/s and our perceived future, it's the death of the person we thought we knew so well and loved so completely and thought that they felt the same.

What happened to your marriage, northface. It sounds like a great deal of pain and retrospect in the end. Care to share the back story?

My break up happened nearly a week ago. On one hand I think that I have no right to think I've been hurt any more than anyone else every dumped in some awful way, but on the other hand I feel betrayed in the most profound ways. I found myself thinking today that the only way I can go on is to think that it's no different than if she had died: she is simply not in this world anymore. It's helping a bit to think this way.

I was reading some threads here and processing my own situation, and was wondering about the intense pain of the final discard and finally ending a BPD r/s.

Sure ending any r/s/getting divorced is sad and painful and sure we mourn for our loss, but ending a BPD r/s seems to illicit an extra intense sense of grief as it there has been some kind of death. Sure you can say it's the death of the r/s and the death of your dreams of a future with that person, but I think there's something else.

I feel the same way, like my whole life has died.

When we finally end our BPD r/s we usually come to find out that this person that we thought was so incredible, we loved so completely and loved us so completely never really existed. We thought we met this incredible person during the idealization phase who was so perfect for us, but then we eventually come to find out that they were just mirroring ourselves back at us.

Yes, I agree 100%

When we come to these painful conclusions we kind of have to lay that person who we thought we knew to rest, and in a way we let that illusion (and that person) die in a sense. I think maybe that's why we feel so much grief. It's more than the death of a r/s and our perceived future, it's the death of the person we thought we knew so well and loved so completely and thought that they felt the same.

 Very true. That person never existed. I'm there with you.

Hey northface, I don't mean to be so blunt, but it sounds like you are trying to protect yourself from the grief that you mention.

Could you tell us more?