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I been talking to a good hearted past victim/friend of my ex.  He promised to support me on my mission to finally detach for good. Going NC was the hardest part for me. I foolishly kept an open line of communication. It was for my own good but only my ex benefits from it. My friend said that evens it out and maybe that would keep me from what is left over from what transpired.
My friend put it like this, I can't reach my ex when I feel like it (my supply) now he cannot either (some of his supply gone).  He don't need me (my ex),; my friend said. He only want to know I'm there if he want to want me. My friend ask me why I want to have  contact with my ex. I didn't have a answer for him. Then he ask me what am going to do, give my ex the upper hand or do I want to fight fair? He didn't mean fight he meant live my life without my ex knowing or hearing from me like I don't know about him. Them words was what I need to hear.
I think I was wanting for the impossible. That we become good friends and he make me feel trusted again. Maybe that takes emotional developing to. I decide to give up on that idea, that had turn into a delusional obsession without me knowing.
My friend said is better for me to do it now than before. Because i was mad before. Now I can clearer rationalize it.  Bottom line, it just don't make no sense no more. I won't check emails, block text and calls and in total act like he was an ex from further years ago. New leaf.