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I was dreading this weekend. Some may know that I've been struggling with the decision whether or not to send my ex birthday greetings. Well I did. Last night via email. Just a simple "Hope you had a good day. Happy Birthday". I feel it was the right thing to do given he dysregulates on his birthday and feels no one cares for him. How he receives the message is unclear as it will depend on his emotions at the time and maybe he's found someone else, very likely, and simply won't care. I don't know, but I do feel ok about sending it, although I am scared in case he reciprocates as it's my birthday today. I don't want him to as this is my ending and if he does I will feel pain.

The good part of all this is that I'm going to view this day as my 'closure' day. Going to really try harder to get my life back again. I'm very scared to start again, but I want to try.

I also noticed something today. How physical this pain feels. It really does feel like your heart is literally hurting.

Happy Birthday Larmoyant.

I know what you mean about the physical hurt. For the first year my heart felt like it was in a vise. I am still very sad. The physical manifestation is no longer with me, though. Sometimes I reflect on how much worse it used to feel, to help me realize that, despite how much this still affects me, it has healed somewhat.

I understand. I think you did the right thing. I have a friend that apparently is mad at me... .it was her Birthday recently and I wasn't sure what to do. I have made attempts to talk to her, but she doesn't try and talk to me and is very short with an answer.  I sent her a Birthday message and said hope you are well. She wrote me back and said thank you and that she hoped I was well. That was it.  I know I did the right thing, but we are done being friends. She and I have been on and off for years. She is a taker and was mad at me because I won't give anymore. I think you did the right thing. You may or may not hear... .it doesn't matter. I did that with my ex as well... .it didn't matter. I think it just makes us feel good. Time to work on you... .what ever that is. I am so sorry... .this is the worst feeling. It does feel physical. Our hearts are broken.

Hi patientandclear, my pain has changed too. It's not the sharp, shocking feeling as before, more like a painful yearning ache, deep sadness. I hope it doesn't stay forever. You are the first person to wish me happy birthday and it brought tears to my eyes. Because, I've decided I'm worth a happy birthday this year. Thank you.

Herodias, yes, I feel it was the right thing, and I'm glad I didn't wait until the day to decide. I needed to process my feelings around it way before and it paid off. I sent it from a place of calm, and it was a well thought out decision, not an emotional reaction hoping to get a response. I'm sorry you lost a friend especially at a time when you really need one. One thing that has come from this relationship is that our needs count too. Not just theirs, be they friends or lovers. You've done the right thing too. Hold on things will get better.

. happy birthday larmoyant. and happy closure day.  Hi!

hmmmmm, thank you. I hope your discussion goes well on Monday.

He's jut sent me a reply email. No salutation just Happy Birthday. Have a great day. I feel really sad. Feel like getting drunk. Can anyone help me please?

L -

I can relate.  The past couple of days, I have missed my stbx as well... .her company, if nothing else.  But I'm looking at it with much more indifference which is exactly where I wanted to be in this whole mess.  It's grieving, just less intense.  I still think about her but not in a way that affects my day-to-day activities, if that makes sense.

I've noticed a decided turn in your postings over the last few weeks, in a good way!  You're getting there... .

bi

Hi best, yes, I'm feeling stronger, but miss him sometimes. Like now. I was really hoping he wouldn't respond. I suspected it would hurt if he did, and it does. Not really sure why. I've said it before, but wish I'd never set eyes on him. Does this ever stop hurting!

hi larmoyant, i'm sorry to hear he emailed. when i've gone through major grieving in my life (death of a loved one etc) i've found it's taken me a year to do the bulk of the grieving. it's as if it takes a full cycle of the seasons, til my subconscious has understood something has changed forever - that person is gone. consciously we know it - our subconscious takes time to process it. the other thing i've learned with grieving and healing is "the only way is through". often (understandably) we hope to avoid the (worst of the) pain somehow. in the end, going through it (not around it) is often the only thing that will allow the grief to be processed, to become less and to heal. have you thought of finding some actual grieving help online or irl? grieving is an intense process, with lots of ups and downs and with different phases. it can be nice to have the company of people also going though something as intense as you are.

Happy Birthday, Larmoyant   And happy closure day.

I'm sorry you are hurting. I can understand why. Letting go can feel like a piece of us has been torn out. Grieving a loss takes time and loads of compassion. Treat yourself tenderly and lovingly, L.

I think what may really help you move forward is not putting yourself in a position to get hurt anymore (by your ex's behavior). That means accepting that your relationship as it was is gone. It takes time to get to that point, but it could happen today. Or maybe tomorrow, or the next day. One day you will have reached that point and you will feel free.

Until then, what lovely thing can you do for yourself today that will make you smile and feel cared for? I'm sending virtual hugs and lots of cake    

heartandwhole

Hi there, Lamoyant. Hope you have a really satisfying day. I'm in the process of detaching myself emotionally, and I really understand this physical pain you talk about. Mine is getting less at the moment - and it is also connected with getting my life back. I'm truly making an effort. Result - I actually wake up feeling able to to more, instead of viewing the day, week, as a desert without end. Energy is coming, hope is delicate but there. Tomorrow may be different - but it is good to know those feelings can still exist.
For me, it helps that Friend has broken no contact without any emotional involvment, but merely acknowledging that I exist. I find no contact actually increases my stress levels.
Raise a glass of something to our bright futures! 

Thank you for your birthday greetings.

heartandwhole, I spent the day with my mum, she's unwell and frail, but she gave me the biggest, heartfelt hug. My sister, who doesn't cook, baked me a cake, it was lopsided and the icing kept falling off, but it tasted great. I was really moved. I pushed down all my emotions until I got home, and feel a little mixed up right now. It's finally over. It's taken almost 10 months to get here. A 10 month breakup ending in both of us wishing each other happy birthday. I'm not sure what to make of it. I cried a little, but it's sinking in.

foggydew, I'd like to join you on your journey. It's good to hear that you're working your way through this painful time. I sometimes get that feeling of hope for the future too now, and I want to try at life again. I think it's time to repair all of this damage. I'm glad you feel acknowledged and maybe it was a good thing that my ex responded to me too. I suppose it was a nice, respectful, gentle way to end something that was  anything but that.

hmmmmm, you're right about the seasons. Winter is now spring here and memories keep being triggered which causes me pain, but then I remember the stress, my racing heart, the sickening dread and fear of what's coming next and I know I did the right thing to leave. At the same time, I truly wish I hadn't needed to. I miss the promise of him.

Happy belated birthday L

I am glad to hear you were able to spend time with your Mum, and your Sister was kind to you.

Continue to go through your detachment at your own pace, always be realistic above all else, and accept that it will take what it takes.

Thank you lovenature. I'm not sure what's happened, but something seems to have shifted. I think I may have let go, or at the very least only hanging on by a thread. Can't really explain it yet, but it's different.

Hi Larmoyant

I'm glad you've had a turning point :) I have written this in previous threads, but I also wanted to drink after my breakup.  I felt so heartbroken, and just broken, and empty, and angry, and everything.  That first week I drank heavily, until there was no more alchohol left in the house except one wine bottle. For some reason I couldn't open it, the cork was stuck.  I just hit my bottom, so lonely and desparate. 

I decided I could not go down that spiral. The funny thing about alcohol is , we want to drink when we are depressed, but it's a depressant so it actually makes it worse

I showed up at AA a few days later. I'm not saying it's for everyone, but it has helped in a lot of ways. First of all, it's community and people to talk to!  I appreciate this most of all. I felt a lot of people in their day to day life didn't want to listen to my problems.  The women in AA were so supportive, and it made me feel less lonely.  Now after a few weeks I'm starting to feel physically more "normal".

Of course sometimes it's more painful to actually sit around and feel my feelings. I spent one rainy day a week ago crying crying crying all day.  But I guess it helped because I too had a turning point.  I still cry sometimes when I think about him and our relationship. 

Sending you good wishes and hugs from afar!

Hi jasmine,

I drank wine every night for weeks when I first left. Felt terrible the next day, but didn't care. It felt like the only way to cope for a while. I've stopped because it was making my depression worse. My mum was diagnosed with a serious illness shortly after too so I couldn't risk not being able to drive. I sometimes think that my mum may have saved me from both him and Sauvignon Blanc!

I'm glad you found people to talk with. Other than my therapist, and here, I haven't got many people to talk to as they don't really understand. I get comments such as "I never would have tolerated that... ." and "Why didn't you leave". This seems to compound the pain of it all.

I've become extremely isolated and will need to change that, but I'm still a little afraid of venturing out. I seem to prefer being by myself these days. Soon I hope.

I'm sorry for your pain, but glad you're feeling better. Hearing about other's progress really helps the detaching process so thank you for writing. I really seem to have turned a corner. I suspect it will be a little bumpy for a while yet, but I'm going to enjoy this new feeling while it lasts.

Soon, very soon, we won't hurt anymore. Hugs to you too jasmine   

Hi, Larmoyant! Great to hear that you feel you have turned a corner. Think I have too... though you are right about the bumps. And about isolation too... I think this a dangerous situation, because it is so easy to brood or drag yourself into depression. Or at least I do, and it makes me feel panicky. I also need to be able to talk about the situation, as it seems to relieve the pressure that builds up. But we are going to get a new life, or at least a much improved one! |iiii

I too don't have many people to talk to, and the reality is that if someone hasn't been through a BPD relationship, there is no possible way for them to ever fathom it. I agree with other members that have said it is best not to discuss it with people who don't understand because it is invalidating and hurtful for us.

Enjoy your times that you feel better, and remember that recovery is not linear; sometimes you go ahead a little and then further back, but overall you keep improving.