BPDFamily.com

. i'm (just barely) in a BPD relationship (presumably in the process of splitting up, cos what are the chances i or BPD partner can make it work.). i know the reason i accidentally got into a BPD relationship is that i had an incredibly violent, abusive, toxic, sadistic mother growing up. (i also had a lovely, sane, caring, supportive dad, which is why having such a mother didn't break me). as i'm dealing with this BPD relationship, i know i will have to examine whether my mother was maybe BPD too. i have done successful trauma therapy to recover from the violence and trauma in my childhood and have recovered from that. i can still see it impacting things in my life tho. relationships are an obvious example. i'm not quite ready yet, to start exploring the link, but i know once i've done the relationship work that currently needs doing, i'll have to do a BPD assessment re my upbringing. ugh. sigh

Not sure it explains why you got into it (the way these r/ships present, unless you already know a lot about BPD, not sure most healthy people would grasp at first that there is something not right) -- as much as it explains why you would continue to feel such tenderness toward someone whom you've described as abusive (on your other thread today I noted you mentioned your SO became verbally/emotionally abusive to his wife).

I have the same tendency ... .

. : ). actually, i said "their marriage" became abusive. as far as i know it's been her being abusive to him. she's definitely not a very nice person. tho i'm not sure how much is real abuse from her, or how much he perceives as abuse, due to his BPD?

i knew straight away that he was very needy and quite insecure and struggling (in addition to being a really beautiful, lovely, smart, strong, great person). i think my upbringing has made me think "difficult relationships are normal". and i grew up being the grown-up in the relationship with my mother. even when i was five years old, i remember thinking that she was an immature mess and behaving like a baby. so i've learned to be the care-taker and the fixer for people in need

What are the chances that it will be a good and healthy relationship? Yeah, that is a good rhetorical question.

What are the chances you will stay together, complete with chaos, drama, fights, breakups and recycles, etc? Unfortunately, pretty good. BPD sufferers tend to have a fear of abandonment and a fear of engulfment, which makes for a serious push-pull game. How they are balanced, and which is stronger varies quite a bit--there are members here whose partner left, rejected them, and will never be back. And there are members whose partner will treat them horribly, and would continue to do so for the rest of their life without leaving (at least for good).

Back to your parents... .how did your dad protect you from your mom (when she was mean/sadistic/etc.)?

Hey Hmmm, Of course there's a link!  I recreated the dynamic of my parents' marriage in my marriage to a pwBPD.  Unsure whether my mother actually has BPD, though I would say that she presented BPD-like behaviors in my childhood.  I suspect that, subconsciously, we are drawn to familiar patterns, even if unhealthy for us.  I missed a lot of red flags, naturally, at the outset of dating my BPDxW.   red-flag  Who knew?  It's only recently that I was able to see why I ended up married to a pwBPD in the first place.  In my view, there's no need for ughs or sighs because it's a process that involves letting go of a lot of learned behaviors that are no longer healthy, which feels like less weight in one's emotional backpack!

LuckyJim

The key for me was not just BPD mother, but my wonderful father.

I looked at my parents as my mother being the problem, and my father being the victim.

Yet, he had as much to do with their relationship as she did. I just didn't see it.

Because what I didn't see in him was what I assumed was normal for me. I had two role models growing up. One choice was her, the other was him. So, I wanted to be the good one - like my father.

I agree that my father is the reason I am doing as well as I am. I credit him for all the good I had as a child, and the values he taught me. When he died, I was despondent. To me, he was my only parent, and I felt like an orphan, even though I was an adult and he was an elderly man at the time.

But he also was co-dependent and enlisted us kids as co-dependents with my mother. I was not allowed to blame her for anything, I was not allowed to stand up for myself. I thought it was my duty to tolerate being emotionally hurt, to excuse, and to love someone no matter what, in order to gain approval and acceptance in my FOO.

It wasn't the lessons from my mother that I had to undo. I had to reframe my ideas of what it meant to be a good person- to separate the many actual good examples my father showed me from the co-dependent ones.

Maybe this idea can help you too.

. @ Grey Kitty. @ LuckyJim. @ NotWendy. ooh yeh - i do realise there are plenty of "underlying issues" here which need to be examined. however, at the moment, i'm still in the phase where i'm just doing (BPD relationship) first aid. currently, i'm still just trying to stop the haemorrhaging - so the only "why" and "how" questions i'm asking pertain to that. i'm just doing the basic keeping-everyone-safe and stopping-the-bleeding first aid basics. once those are done, i'm totally aware i'll need to look at the underlying issues, to get truly good results. i'm just not quite there yet. still stopping the bleeding and will then hopefully take a few breaths and think about what to do next. all those deeper questions do keep popping up in my mind tho - i do want to know the answers to them and will begin exploring them as soon as things are no longer in that initial first aid stage. thank you for the nudge!  : ). you're all absolutely right!

Yeah, good plan to put some of this on a shelf for a while.

Do what you can to reduce conflict in your r/s.

If it survives, you will find a bit more peace and energy to work on yourself later.
If it doesn't, you will grieve the end... .and also find more energy to work on yourself. If you do it before your rebound relationship, you will thank yourself, I suspect!

And one big note for you--I've seen several people go through what Notwendy describes--realizing that they have to address the issues they have with their "good" (Usually pronounced codependent) parent to get from surviving to thriving in life. And that they only had space to do it when they had made good progress dealing with baggage left over from the "bad" (usually pronounced abusive) parent.

yeah   : )

i would *love* to analyse the abusive/ co-dependent parent thing, as soon as i have a little bit of headspace cleared for that!