BPDFamily.com

I am Scott and have been in a relationship with a woman that has BPD.  I am 58 and and she is 52.  I will call her Kate.  Kate is very intelligent, she is high functioning, i.e. she has a good job in the local government, she owns property, she has friends (many) and has a good relationship with her kids.  She even has a seemingly reasonable relationship with her EX and her EX boyfriend. 

Kate and I have a rollercoaster of a relationship that oscillates between ecstasy and agony.  Even Kate describes it as volatile   One minute she will be complementing me telling me how handsome and smart I am, the next she can fly off into a rage or sobbing depths of a depression, then Kate will want to break up, or vilify me telling me I am a liar, not trustworthy etc.   In turn I am in ecstasy when I am idolized or agony when she kicks me out of her house.   

A key motivator for her is fear of abandonment and fear of being hurt, she has a very high degree of jealousy which has caused many incidents.  Alternately she wants to spend all of her free time with me, and very much wants me to move in with her. 

So, we spent 5 months together, she has initiated a break up SIX times  :sign_attn: each break-up reversed in hours or a day, then I initiated ONE breakup that lasted 6 weeks... .  Now she is negotiating her way back into my life and I feel like I am on a slippery slope back into the chaos.  I have not yet spoken F2F with in regards to her feelings.  But it's clear by her texts and phone calls that she is pursuing a reconciliation. 

During the break up of 6 weeks I have read Stop Walking On Eggshells.  I had not heard of BPD before I met Kate when she told me that I was BPD.  Which I am relatively certain that I am not.  BTW, both my mother and sisters have BPD traits of Narcissism, criticism and splitting.  My mother not so much anymore, as she is in her 90s and relatively secure with the constant attention that my sister and brother-in-law give her. 

So here I sit at a crossroads with a scheduled meeting Monday to "talk about us" with Kate.  I am going to meet with her to see what she has to say.  I will let her do most of the talking.  She is going to therapy and making progress, and assures me that she has taken responsibility for some of our problems. 

So there you go, I wanted to put that out here and listen to what you folks may offer.  It would be nice to hear from you; for example a proposed agenda or objectives that I should bring to the meeting.  For example a list of questions that I should bring to discern her feelings about us and to discern her state of mind. 

Thank you for reading my story.

Regards,
Scott

Hello Scott,

Like you, I am new to this as well.

I removed myself from a suspected BPD'er very recently.  I don't think at this point I can label mine as a highly functioning.  While she does hold a job and raise children, her days are mostly spent self loathing, binge eating, sitting in despair and only god knows what else.  I've reduced my existence to obsessing over this mess and I have to stop because it is NOT healthy for me.  I cannot change this person despite my empathetic attempts to do so. 

Before meeting this person, I was never so emotionally drained.  It's a day to day struggle with not knowing who I am going to get.  She goes through these phases of intense dependency followed by distancing.  It's a never ending cycle and I've had it.  She cannot give love by her own admission yet wants it so badly.

I have to start focusing on what I need out of life and I suggest you do the same.