BPDFamily.com

I am the mother of a high functioning 18 year old daughter with BP features. For at least the past ten years there has been a triangulation in the family dynamics - my kindhearted husband is the enabler, feeding her sense of entitlement, often rescuing her and shielding her from the consequences of her poor behavioral choices. I tried to be the voice of reason; I initiated therapy together with my husband to address  this matter but when I saw that this was not working, I more or less gave up and my voice grew more and more silent. Although my husband loves me, it was hard for him to see the severity of the situation and his tendency was to invalidate me when I attempted to discuss this issue with him. There was a lot of pent up resentment on my part. As my daughter's disrespect and lack of reciprocity (vis a vis helping out at home) spiraled out of control, I felt that I couldn't continue and I left home for a short time. My husband realized that he was not seeing me and he is clearly trying to be more communicative. He still doesn't see how much he is enmeshed with this daughter and the adverse consequences of his relationship with her.
After I left home and our other children confronted the BP daughter, she has tried to somewhat tone down her behavior. And still it feels very difficult to be her parent and to be part of this triangle. I feel stuck and I don't know how to extricate myself. I know that there is a need for clearer boundaries (both my husband and myself have a hard time being authoritative and consistent). I know that without love it is impossible to achieve any change and yet I feel so hard pressed to generate a feeling of love towards a child who seems so narcissistic and whose values are so far removed from my own.
After reading about drama triangles on the BPD site, I realized that I have a pivotal piece in this drama. I also realize that I am reliving patterns from my past and I want to break free and rectify this.
I would most appreciate any insights - how can one learn to put down boundaries? How can you feel love towards someone who is disrespectful and hurtful at times? How can you embrace someone when in truth you want to run away when they enter the front door?
Thank you very much. 

Hi SE,

I understand so much of what you shared. When an adult is enmeshed in unhealthy ways, it can feel as though the BPD behaviors must be addressed through both parent and child. Not easy.  

With my SO's D19, I found it was essential to tap into compassion in almost aggressive ways, if that makes sense. I read books that walked an important line between building compassion and building relationship skills. I also practiced mindfulness like my life depended on it  :) and actively carved out time to get myself centered. What was so challenging is that D19 brought the skill levels down, and SO met her there, instead of raising the skill levels.

When one partner is intent on boundaries and the other actively undoes them, it can feel like you're holding the hose to fight the fire, and the other person keeps turning off the water  

My T actually brought in a child psychologist to our couples counseling. The purpose was to impress upon SO the real effects of not having boundaries with D19, to help him see how his behavior was harming not helping.

It made a small but important difference in the dynamic.

What has had a bigger impact is me recognizing that SO is very codependent when confronted with strong emotions he does not want to feel. When he is in rescue mode with D19, I try to gently point out what are essentially avoidant behaviors so he can see the pattern. His mom died and he kept asking me if I was ok -- strong emotions are hard for him to experience and I try to turn his behaviors into expressions of what are often difficult emotions. Anything less than gentle, and he digs in his heels so I often make a simply point (usually, a validating question) and then move on.

Like you, I also make choices to take care of myself when he can't. In counseling, it was agreed that he would consult me about any big decisions involving D19, and when he doesn't, I remove myself from the situation. Same for rescue behaviors when it's supposed to be our time. Getting him to agree there was a problem was a half step, bringing to his attention when those problems were happening another half step. The next step was the two of us agreeing to handle boundary issues a certain way. When he regresses, I have a response that requires no argument or discussion, I simply do it because it's based on prior agreement when he was feeling strong.

And last, recognize him when he does the right thing. He is seeking the rescue route because it gives him a sense of self worth that he probably didn't get as a child. WHen you recognize him for doing his best, you interrupt that script and divert things toward positive behavior where he may very well need to feel praised and appreciated.