BPDFamily.com

My BPD husband is an alcoholic/addict.  I gave him the choice to either go to treatment or move out a year and a half ago.  He chose to move out.  His BPD traits are extremely magnified when he is active in his addictions.  He did get help and was able to stay sober and clean for a few months this past year but that didn't last long.  He seems to have given up getting any kind of therapy.  He was working with a therapist who was starting DBT therapy with him but he has stopped seeing her.  It's been a roller coaster ride.  We take one step forward and 2 steps back.  I am trying to stay focused on me and our children but he sees me as a spoiled selfish b___.  I see momentary glimpses of the kind loving person I know but then he goes right back to being mean and nasty.  Very confusing to me and to our children.  I've rambled on a lot.  I'm trying to keep boundaries.  But I get sucked in when he is being kind and loving and then the cycle starts all over again.  I can't forget the mean things he has said to me. 

Hi Frustrated1973,

Being able to set (and keep!) a boundary is a good start, one that isn't easy. You know that you aren't a spoiled, selfish b*tch for taking care of yourself, right?  :) His coping skills aren't great, and his emotional maturity is probably not great either, so he fights you because it's preferable to taking responsibility for himself (which may be associated with shame).

My son's father is also BPD + addiction. I found much success using the communication skills with my son, who was at risk for BPD behaviors himself.

In what ways do you get sucked in when your husband is being kind and loving?

Hi frustrated,

Welcome. I am sorry your going through this. There are people here that identify with your situation. There is nothing selfish with your want for stability and normalcy. You have to be the emotional anchor with him, thus keeping boundaries and making him accountable. Hang in there... .