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I once asked my ex if we could please, please just have a few days with no arguments. I meant him not raging. He really tried. He did it by smoking marijuana all weekend. We stayed in, cuddled, watched movies, played scrabble, took the puppy for a walk along the beach, and drank wine watching the sun go down. The puppy kept frantically burying his ball in the sand around us and we got sand in the wine. It was the only truly loving, peaceful weekend we ever had. But he couldn't do it without drugs. It's hard not to take this personally. I mean the thought that he had to numb himself with drugs to be with me, but it wasn't ever really about something wrong with me. I understand more now and wish I knew more then. I feel sad for him.

Even with so pleasant a memory, did you still feel like waiting for it to turn?

My exgf was never happy to be alone unless she was with someone. She was always complaining when she wasn't happy. She was always grouchy when she wasn't happy. She was so depressing when she wasn't sad. It was like she was mixed up when she wasn't confused. Oh I remember one time when I forgot.

I'm not trying to be confusing when I'm seriously trying to understand my exgf but I am.

These pwBPD make
No
Sense

But I keep trying even though I always fail

Lol, I'm teasing

?Or am I

Hang in there Larmoyant, one day these people will make perfect sense... .

We couldn't win

Yes! I felt a little safer though as we were mostly alone. It was safer with no other people. I remember wondering why he kept going off to smoke stuff, he tried to hide it at first, but it was very obvious and I told him it was ok. I was being selfish because I knew it was keeping him calm and I wanted it so badly to stay that way. Now I'm in tears and I don't know why.

Jerry, we couldn't win could we and we end up losing so much trying. Was it all just a complete waste?

Adding something again! Not for you because you have a beautiful little boy.

Not to over thematize this ( lol), but those tears sound like a lesson learned to me.

You were willing to let him do whatever he wanted to maintain the peace... .just for one single moment.

Hence the reason why this is such an emotional memory. It was a moment of pure sacrifice—and that cuts a hole when it isn't reciprocated how we think it should be.

You know it wasn't you, it was his intense emotions that needed numbing; the fear of engulfment that comes from being close in the memory you have, causing him to fear you abandoning him.
To me the saddest part of the disorder is, the more you love them and the closer you get, the more they hurt you and push you away.

valet, I hadn't looked at it like that before and I'm processing what you wrote.

lovenature, yes, that's why I feel so sad for him. Sad that he wanted a peaceful, happy weekend too and did what he needed so we could have it. I remember him being very anxious trying to please me. It's a tragedy really.

Funny you are talking about your good memories.  I go back and forth between being angry for the bad times and thinking about some of the best times.

There was one night my ex had a panick attack. He got them often. He also used drugs to medicate because he had high anxiety. 

My brother was going to take him to a Landmark class (has anyone heard of it?).  My brother had started to ask B about what he wanted. All he could say was how much he loved me and what he wanted for me.  But he could not answer the question for himself. What he wanted in life for himself.

This upset my ex so much that he asked my brother to let him out of the car, he managed to take an Uber sort of close to home, but he walked himself to a hospital nearby and asked me to pick him up.

When I arrived he was lying on a bench in the waiting room.  He was so traumatized by my brother's questions that he physically had to lie down and couldn't breathe. Only now do I understand it.

But when we got home, I laid him down on the bed. I held him in my arms and stroked his head.  He told me he was so grateful I was there for him, and that I was the only one that could comfort him.

I just thought about that moment the other day, how sweet and tender it was. Like you said, it's sad, because I really felt I was making a difference somehow.  And I miss him and that feeling of comforting that very lonely inner child of his.

Of course this incident along with others made me realize that his issues were much more than I could handle

I think these poor souls are among the sorriest on earth. I can't help comparing Friend to my stepson, who suffered from schizophrenia. Once I looked into his eyes and saw him drowning in fear - but I also knew I couldn't reach him, couldn't hold out a hand - that he had to go his own way, as I couldn't understand his world. And this is how I am trying to see Friend. And stand back, because I can't help.