BPDFamily.com

Background I had a whirlwind romance for 4 months before being dumped
During that time I saw what I now know where signs but I chose to attribute that to her eating disorder and some other challenges in her life
I wanted to believe in the "love"

As I go through this process I've watch and read things by persons with BPD and felt amazing compassion and even some guilt
I think I'm part it was due to me wanting to believe this wasn't her but her illness so I could save somewhere in my that love and maintain some home for its return

This kept me stuck

During the time we were together she was honest and made comment s such as
I am not a nice person
I push people away
I hurt people
You don't want to marry me
I don't want to hurt you
And quite a bit more - again only upon reflection

So here is where I've landed with this
Yes it is an awful disorder and it is absolutely tragic that torment they suffer
But as in my case she had some awareness of her behavior and makes a choice to not get help to curb or stop it
She makes a choice to engage a genuine person like myself knowing she will hurt me and others to fill a need

For that I can hold her accountable and I find that liberated me from the false hope
I can always still find compassion but it become more grounded in reality when I remind myself that she at some level has awareness of the pain she causes and does not make the choice to do anything to stop herself

Would love to hear others thoughts

Well I feel like saying the BPD should go get help and not bother others is like a business man telling a homeless, drug addicted veteran to just get up get yourself clean and go get a job. Easier said then done. We cant tell what others capabilities are mentally. Bpd has a way of making its victims feel stuck and rooted in the disorder. We tend to project our ideas or capabilities on the disordered and say "if we were in their shoes, we would... ." but they are not us and dont behave and think like we do.

Even when they do decide to get help, it is not always generating a miracle either.

My BPDex to date has 4 years of therapy behind her, with periods she made extreme efforts, yet all in all, on certain fronts she got worse due to more and more traumas uncovered but never healed.

She has breef moments of self-awareness and accountability, where she is very aware of her inner destructive workings, but is never able to stay in that state for a long time.

I guess it is just too taxing and painfull to realise how broken you really are as a BPD, hence all the avoidance and defense mechanisms, and the wish to mirror a "perfect" other.

there really is no hope unless the BPD decides to cut through the deep traumatic pains and gain a solid self, while everything in them is working against that.

Mine "got help" to get me to leave the person I was with and get back together with her.

I ended up cheating on a really great person (something I will NEVER do again). We went to one counceling session together and she blew up to the point I was asked by the therapist to leave the room.

She continued to "go" which to this day I don't think she really did. Once we got back together she stopped going, until the week she dumped me for the replacement. She told me her therapist told her we were only friends and this didn't seem like a relationship. I don't believe her therapist said any of this... .she used it as a way to rationalize dumping me and moving off with the replacement... .and our puppy.

hi brahmin,

i do think it is important for us to hold adults accountable for their behavior. its incumbent upon us to have boundaries, and not to tolerate abuse in our lives, and to me, thats what holding a person accountable entails. i dont think that need negate compassion. in the aftermath of these breakups the lines can get pretty blurry, and thats part of what detachment, and learning, are all about.


these are statements of low self esteem/emotional unavailability and also common beliefs among a person with BPD. how did they make you feel at the time you heard them? how did you respond?

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these are statements of low self esteem/emotional unavailability and also common beliefs among a person with BPD. how did they make you feel at the time you heard them? how did you respond?
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Thanks for the questions

In general I responded that it seemed to be a thing of the past as she was nothing but kind to me.

Relative to pushing people away, I had told her that if that is what she wanted to do she would indeed be successful, so she had a choice to not do that and I left it at that.

The you don't want to marry me was later and I took it more as she was distancing from me... but upon reflection with the tone of voice and now in context with more clarity and knowledge on this disorder it just "fit" with so many other things... How she wanted nothing more than to be with me but she was scared that if we lived together one day it might not work because as she put it "she's not easy to live with".

In general she seemed to take so many things so personally, took responsibility for so much thinking it was her fault...   and yet didn't really take responsibility for the elements that she did participate in (the pushing away, the rages, the leaving etc)...

Yeah. Those things from the past.

Rather early on, she told me horror stories of the way she used to be, how she had had really dark and manipulative moments in her past, and how she despised having ever been like that.
At that time she still could explain it away due to being associated with an Evil-Ex who had pushed her down that path.

I believed her... .Totally... .

But in the months leading up to our breakup, the dark beast came back in all its glory.

Thing of the past = Prophecy of things to come

Trying to follow your thinking.

Is it that it is legitimate to leave an accountable BPD and not legitimate to leave a non accountable BPD? And potential restore our quality of life?

Like we have to stay with the non accountable ones because : "they cant help it"?


But isnt it that the non accountable ones are the real sick ones? The ones that cant be cured? And certainly not by us as non qualified psyches? So sticking to them wont do them good in sense of curing and it would be devastating for your own quality of life.

Them being accountable or not should not decide over your own quality of life to my mind. You did not make them sick, you cant control it nor cure them.

At times you have to secure your own quality of life it is important to be also selfish. Developing saviour complexes towards the BPD ( accountable or not) is maybe not a good idea.

Yes I felt this had a different feeling than just an "abusive" person.  Was it really abusive?  It's so confusing, as I felt his actions came from hurt rather than some evil need to cause pain. I think that's also how we have put up with so much... .

There were also times when B told me that he did certain things on purpose: to get me to listen or manipulate me to get attention. Like crying and hiding in my room for hours on MY birthday.  So that confuses me, he admits to manipulating me, I'm trying to decide how angry I should be about that... .

So was the BPD part that he felt so immensely more than other people so he had to be more outwardly expressive?  or was he trying to get attention from me because of the big emptiness? 

Maybe it doesn't really matter, it was maddening to me.  Trying to just drop it, but it's still in my mind ... .

woundedPhoenix, yes that's interesting about the ex's.  My male BPD ex always talked about this one exGF of his that was super evil. She gave back a few hundred dollars of his and threw it on the street!  She broke into his apartment to steal things.  Restraining orders! on and on.

Yes I thought she was evil too. He talked about her all the time too. 

But as time went on, I started to understand... .because this was the way she dealt with the BPD  I saw how my reactions became more and more dramatic, and I could imagine that a different type of person could be driven to more.  Things started making more sense.

When I discovered what Borderline was, I read some about "how to deal with a BPD person".  All the ways I dealt with it were wrong. 

I read something about "How to leave a Borderline" , and it said to leave without notice. Don't give any clues. Just disappear one day. 

This is the exact thing that a girl did to my ex, and it broke his heart so bad!  But now I understand why, maybe not, but I highly suspected that's why this girl just bolted without notice.  B went to the store and she said goodbye like normal, and just left a note and disappeared forever.

It all started to make sense... .

Mine said these things too I was under the illusion my love would save her but how wrong I was. So when someone tells you things like this my advice would be you best believe them, that might be the only truth they tell you.

All depends on her current emotion of the moment; to a PWBPD feelings=facts, goes for past, present, and future.