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Title: What can I expect down the line ? Post by: Dontknow88 on November 07, 2016, 10:04:05 AM As in my child's father had BPD and other stuff.
If you seen My story it's the sadly typical relationship with a BD person. In short, it was a good relationship till literally overnight it wasn't and he left me when I was late in my pregnancy, moved on with someone that was a "friend" and is unstable in his personal life. Highly suicidal and self harms and admitted that he regrets Our sons existence( not someone I want to leave a kid with alone) so I'm trying to get full custody. that's the short form My question is what should I expect down the line years from now, he said he's been messed up all his life And now I'm seeing why he said all those negative things about himself when we first met. what should I prepare myself for the future? what should I continue to do to make sure i'll keep full custody? what should I look out for? I know he's entitled to visitation rights but what can I do to make sure it's supervised? I need your advice what should I look out for, what's expected to come from your experiences or someone that you know? Dontknow88 Title: Re: What can I expect down the line ? Post by: Ove120062 on November 07, 2016, 01:17:39 PM Please read Splitting:Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder It is very insightful for what to expect. I'm not sure what the expectations are for requesting supervised visits. From what I've read BPD are generally good at blaming others and the courts seem to be ok with that. The system seems to encourage both parents to be involved in the child's life, even when one isn't truly best for the child. This is a double edges sword though. On one hand you need to protect your child, but on the other that child is half your ex and will connect with that. Children generally trust their parents and when they are young they are the most trusting. It isn't until later in life that they realize, at least a portion, of what is happening. Its important to remember that parents teach us in two ways. First is what to do or how to be, and second is what not to do or how not to be. I had a step parent who taught me a lot of how not to be, and as an adult I look back on those memories and see how they made me a loving companionate father. It fortified my knowledge that I wanted to parent like my mother who showed me how unconditional love is. Your son may have that opportunity as well. Having my mother there for me showed me more of how to be with these difficult relationships. You get to / have to be that for your son.
I struggle with this as well, but the system isn't lined up for fathers so well in my state. All you can really do is be there for your son when you have him. Try hard to get your son, but in the end you will likely have to give some time to your ex even though he isn't stable. It sounds like you will get the majority of the time with your son which will help him as he grows. Be the stable loving parent that our kids deserve. Lastly, when I grew up my mom didn't say anything bad about my dad, but my dad and step mom sure did say bad things about my mom. I've done a fare amount of reading and the reason this drew me closer to my mom was because I felt, even in that young age, that my dad and step mom resented half of me. The part that was my mother. I couldn't of articulated that when I was a child, but I sure could feel it. I don't say bad things about my ex, but I do defend my self when my son tells me things his mother says or when she lies to him. I choose to defend myself by telling him how much I love and adore him since that seems to be the root of what my ex wants to make my son question. Back to your questions. This will very likely be a struggle in the future. You need to get in the habit of documenting everything. Always be ready to pay for an attorney. Keep a calendar of when you have your son. Have your attorney request any mental health records of your ex for court, reports from police or other agencies. Do everything you can to show the judge your concerns of your ex through documents. In my experience my BPD ex wife, who has been locked up in a mental hospital twice and arrested once, and I have maintained 50/50 time of my son but I lost my step daughter to her. She made 6 false complaints to CPS and during that process my step daughter started to tell them lies about me. I was lucky and had a security camera in my house to show it wasn't true. I discussed my case with a legal strategist who said I can never have my step daughter back because I have to protect my relationship with my son, and maybe next time I won't have a security camera present for the time she accuses me of something. She is 11 and realizes she is lying. I cried and still do cry extensively for this, but I have no choice per the legal strategist. The courts don't appear to like to change what has been happening with parenting time. If you can show the judge a calendar of what has been going on and what the child is used to then the courts seem to want to keep it that way. I kept a calendar for 3 years and I believe it helped a lot. My ex was going to lie and say she had the kids more, but my calendar, and the fact I had witnesses see me fill it out almost daily made it so she couldn't. The best way to plan for future events based off typical BPD scenarios is the book I mentioned above. You really need to read it. It even has advise on how to decrease the chance for repeatedly going to court to fight your ex. Title: Re: What can I expect down the line ? Post by: Dontknow88 on November 07, 2016, 04:09:37 PM Please read Splitting:Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder It is very insightful for what to expect. I'm not sure what the expectations are for requesting supervised visits. From what I've read BPD are generally good at blaming others and the courts seem to be ok with that. The system seems to encourage both parents to be involved in the child's life, even when one isn't truly best for the child. This is a double edges sword though. On one hand you need to protect your child, but on the other that child is half your ex and will connect with that. Children generally trust their parents and when they are young they are the most trusting. It isn't until later in life that they realize, at least a portion, of what is happening. Its important to remember that parents teach us in two ways. First is what to do or how to be, and second is what not to do or how not to be. I had a step parent who taught me a lot of how not to be, and as an adult I look back on those memories and see how they made me a loving companionate father. It fortified my knowledge that I wanted to parent like my mother who showed me how unconditional love is. Your son may have that opportunity as well. Having my mother there for me showed me more of how to be with these difficult relationships. You get to / have to be that for your son. I struggle with this as well, but the system isn't lined up for fathers so well in my state. All you can really do is be there for your son when you have him. Try hard to get your son, but in the end you will likely have to give some time to your ex even though he isn't stable. It sounds like you will get the majority of the time with your son which will help him as he grows. Be the stable loving parent that our kids deserve. Lastly, when I grew up my mom didn't say anything bad about my dad, but my dad and step mom sure did say bad things about my mom. I've done a fare amount of reading and the reason this drew me closer to my mom was because I felt, even in that young age, that my dad and step mom resented half of me. The part that was my mother. I couldn't of articulated that when I was a child, but I sure could feel it. I don't say bad things about my ex, but I do defend my self when my son tells me things his mother says or when she lies to him. I choose to defend myself by telling him how much I love and adore him since that seems to be the root of what my ex wants to make my son question. Back to your questions. This will very likely be a struggle in the future. You need to get in the habit of documenting everything. Always be ready to pay for an attorney. Keep a calendar of when you have your son. Have your attorney request any mental health records of your ex for court, reports from police or other agencies. Do everything you can to show the judge your concerns of your ex through documents. In my experience my BPD ex wife, who has been locked up in a mental hospital twice and arrested once, and I have maintained 50/50 time of my son but I lost my step daughter to her. She made 6 false complaints to CPS and during that process my step daughter started to tell them lies about me. I was lucky and had a security camera in my house to show it wasn't true. I discussed my case with a legal strategist who said I can never have my step daughter back because I have to protect my relationship with my son, and maybe next time I won't have a security camera present for the time she accuses me of something. She is 11 and realizes she is lying. I cried and still do cry extensively for this, but I have no choice per the legal strategist. The courts don't appear to like to change what has been happening with parenting time. If you can show the judge a calendar of what has been going on and what the child is used to then the courts seem to want to keep it that way. I kept a calendar for 3 years and I believe it helped a lot. My ex was going to lie and say she had the kids more, but my calendar, and the fact I had witnesses see me fill it out almost daily made it so she couldn't. The best way to plan for future events based off typical BPD scenarios is the book I mentioned above. You really need to read it. It even has advise on how to decrease the chance for repeatedly going to court to fight your ex. Wow thank you for that Mason advise and may I say god bles your mother. I will surely look into that book. I have been documenting everything and I will continue to do that thank you so much. and I hope your situation for you and justice will prevail |