BPDFamily.com

Hello all, first post here.

I've been married for 12 years to my wife, we have one child, a 10 year old daughter. I've rewatched the point of trying to make sense of it all and recently discovered BPD and everything now has a new clarity. She has not been diagnosed BPD, but has been diagnosed and treated for depression and anxiety, sub-symptoms of BPD. Medication hasn't helped treat her core issues of feeling empty, her unexplainable misery of life and many of the traits of BPD including sudden inappropriate rage, splitting, blame shifting, projection and intense fear of abandonment. She also expresses fantasies of suicide.

I love her, but like so many others 12 years of what I know realize has been emotional abuse has taken its toll. About 3 years ago I discovered she was having an affair. It shellshocked me and I reacted in all the wrong ways out of anger and hurt. I verbally lashed out against her disloyalty, dishonesty and selfishness. I implemented control systems and demanded transparency.

To make a long story short the affair kept reoccurring, and I tried many different angles to find one that worked. Forgiveness, unconditional love, recognition of my own contributions to marital problems, etc. It never worked for very long. The last year and a half I have worked tirelessly to make changes to myself to meet her needs, never getting recognized for it. I stopped arguing about anything and always stayed calm and had a compromising spirit. If she was distant I gave her space. If she needed any kind of support I gave it. I never held the affair against her. I exhausted myself trying to "make" her happy.

In July she moved out (into a house two blocks away), saying she wasn't happy and hasn't been for years because she felt had  "trapped" in our home and never felt she could leave because she thought I would make good on threats of a hellish divorce. While I had made threats twice after discovering contact with her affair partner, I always apologized and insisted it was in the heat of my emotional state and I wouldn't complicate a divorce. It didn't matter, she only remembered the threats. When she moved out, I told her I would let her go and not make things difficult. I told her there was nothing I could do to make her happy, she had to find that within herself.

I soon found out after she left she was making contact with the affair partner. It had been a year since the last time I had heard about it. I calmly spoke with her about it and asked if that was the real reason she moved out. She denied it and said it was over anyway, that she didn't meant him what's she thought she did and she wasn't anything special to him. She told me she had blocked him from her phone and all other forms of communication, sent him a letter saying she didn't want any future contact with him. Within a couple weeks she was reaching out to me, wanting to have sex (we hadn't had sex in almost 2 years), spending time together and even planning a family vacation together.

Despite everything that had happened, I truly wanted to repair our marriage and reunite the family. Things were going well, she was opening up more than she had in years and showing affection. Suddenly one night he came to her house (or she contacted him, I don't know for sure), and they talked for a couple hours. That was it - I was out and he was back in. At the flip of some magical switch she turned off all feelings for me, if there really were any, and took him in.

She told me about this via text, and only because my daughter unexpectedly went to her house and walked in while he was there. Timeline - Monday: Her, me and my daughter were at her house planning our trip. Tuesday: He came to her house and they talked. Wednesday: my daughter walks into her house and finds mom with some guy. Friday: she formerly introduces him to my daughter as her romantic partner. I can't begin to imagine the emotional damage being done to my daughter - beyond the yelling and swearing she's been receiving from my wife since age 2...

I lost every bit of self control I had left. I texted pages worth of emotions and logic that I had been to afraid to get off my chest for years. The abuse, the impossible to meet expectations, the frustration and the exhaustion. The amazement that she was willing to throw away her family for a fling because it made her feel good. The bewilderment of her twisted logic that our daughter will be better off for it because mom will be happier now.

I initiated NC five days ago, before learning about BPD. I've read dozens of web articles, hundreds of forum posts and entire books on the subject. Discovering BPD was like finding a key that finally opened the mystery box, deciphered everything I couldn't understand about the last 12 years of my life. It's been a huge relief but it now brings its own dilemma.

Having just now discovered this, should I still give up on my marriage? Is that fair to her or even myself if I spent so long struggling but didn't know what I was up against? I knew her affair was a cry for help and a coping mechanism, most recently because she probably freaked out at the prospect of us reconciling, afraid to face all the pain she had been through. I knew that right away but now I can really appreciate what she must've had going through her mind, the push-pull. Do I try to forgive her again, provided I can approach her about BPD and she accepts treatment? I just don't know. For now I will maintain no contact for my own peace and sanity, give myself time to find clarity. But I know there's a better than good chance her affair will blow up again, and she'll try to contact me and try to reconcile again. She may very well not, after blindsiding me two weeks ago I lost control and lashed out on her. I may be painted black for good. How do I prepare for the moment she might paint me white again?

Hey Lando74,

That sounds like a really hurtful situation, but it's also one that many of us here can relate to.

The decision of whether or not to continue to try to fight is a very personal one that only you can answer. To do that, you'll have to ask yourself some tough questions. Most of us rely on the "I really love my partner" as the catalyst to decide if we want to stay and fight or move on. It is going to take more than just love to maintain a relationship like this.

Also, approaching her directly about BPD is probably not going to get you anywhere that you want to be. In that you said that you've digested a lot of information on the subject, I'm sure that you are aware that most pwBPD (people with BPD) cannot face the fact that they have a problem and therefore won't take kindly to the prospect. That doesn't mean that you won't be able to help guide her into therapy at some point in the future.

So, if you are willing to find the internal fortitude to continue the fight, it may very well be worth it. We can help support you along the way. There are many tools available on this site to help reduce the conflict and open the doors to meaningful communication. Keep posting and we'll do what we can to help!

Thanks for the encouragement. I initiated NC for the sole purpose of giving myself the time and space to heal. Even after the latest push and her insistence this other guy is the one for her, and even after my subsequent blow up, we were back to texting about everyday things. I realized I wasn't going to heal and she wasn't going to accept consequences for her actions if kept having normal communication.

The only reason I would ever consider trying again is because I simply didn't know what I had to deal with - it was all just confusion and frustration with no explanation or rationality. She might be open to therapy - she has told me many times how she feels and what goes on in her head. I just didn't know what to think of it. Now it all makes sense, and if I learn how to deal with it in the right way, there's at least a possibility. She has been to therapy for depression, and I don't think the therapist knew all the facts. She would tell me how she let the therapist know of the things I was doing and the therapist had a sympathetic tone, aligning herself with her against me. At least that's what she told me... .

I have resolved to not resume contact unless it is with a therapist or a lawyer, I'll leave that choice up to her. I am in no way ready to handle communicating with her on my own at this point. I've been through too much and so has my daughter, I will not fall for her attempts at reconciliation without serious dedication to therapy first. I do love her more than anyone but I also recognize I can't love her fully and properly if I am not well first.

You've been through a crazy-making wringer so far, and taking a little time (a week) to sort out some of your own feelings sounds really wise. Especially given that having just heard about BPD, you have a lot of learning and catching up to do.

Since she moved out in July, have the two of you arranged reasonable shared custody of your daughter?

You are going to have to have at least limited contact with her in coparenting for the next 10-12 years.

You will need better tools to deal with her for this time, whether you try to reconcile again or not. There is a lot of helpful stuff here for you, as well as good books.

You might want some therapy for yourself too--A good therapist can really assist you in coping with what you have gone through already!

Lando,

I wanted to join the others in welcoming you here. I am sorry for the reasons you found here and about BPD. But glad you found some answers you were searching for and resources to help. There is some great books, wisdom, and articles within the site that will help you with understanding, and well putting some techniques in place that might help with communication and even co sharing parenting with someone with BPD.

Look at the family section and parenting as well as legal section if you go that route.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your marriage. I do have to say with the answers, support here and resources you can step out of the gaslighting, FOG, and well all the situations involved to put a name to this all. Just that helped me immensely, to see sometimes no matter how hard you try, what you do, or are willing to take it is not you! It will take therapy for her perhaps and an effort. It never works when all the care taking, trying, effort or therapy is one sided.

Sometimes when we are so hurt, or trying so hard, we take it all on, and don't understand why things have happened or are happening. Again to put a name to this and read others, get knowledge, read the resources here, try the techniques to find peace, self worth, self love, and boundaries helps.

Or even just techniques on how to communicate better, validate and see perhaps how a BPD sees things, might help in your situation. Again only you know.

Just wanted to lend you support, and say many of us have been there, and hope you find the answers and help you are looking for you. Not only for you and your daughter, your wife and marriage but to start a path that helps you live in joy. If that is staying, if it is leaving the marriage and going on another path, either way you will need support. You are valuable, you are needed for your daughter, you need self love and don't be afraid to get all the support you need. If that is therapy to deal with her, to stay together or to leave do what is best for you as well as the marriage.