BPDFamily.com

my wife has been gone and acting out for over 2 months now. I now know that i need to be strong and detach, its killing me.

she appears to be setting up the next victim now. even though he has a dangerous history, i did not warn her, i was happy to know that she was creating that and it would let me move on in peace.

i am a little shaky, watching my diet and exercise, doing yoga and qigong. doing my best to rest.

the house is still filled with her things, i did not want to upset her, but now I am hiring some people to pack it up.

i see my psychiatrist and emdr therapist one a week.

very sad

i dont feel seen. because i am a retired special forces guy, ebveryone has gone into story about why she is gone. and the story is the usual, bad man.

shaky and scared

CalvinF,

Welcome to the board.  You will find people with a lot of experience that will help make sense to those feelings a little.  Good to see you have someone to meet weekly with also. 

I have found a lot of help in reading the other posts and the lessons on the website and off to the side. 

I'm sorry that you are going through this. This can be very difficult. I'm sure you know by heart the SF motto. De oppresso liber. You may need to start looking at the probability that you are the oppressed. There is a chance you want to isolate but I would encourage you not to. Stay connected with friends and family. Writing about your situation may help as well, be as vague as you want, but it does seem to help. By all means, if you do not feel comfortable writing about it, then don't without talking to your Psychiatrist first. See if they feel it is healthy and safe for you to do.
Are you filing for divorce?
Are there kids involved?
How long have you been married to her?
Do you live near a military base/ have support of something familiar to you? (depending on how long ago you retired)

As much as we feel impelled to help, the legal process impresses on us that the spouse is an ADULT.  You can't fix her, she would have to want fixing and so many people with BPD (pwBPD) are in deep Denial and in full Blame Shifting mode.  Courts won't try to fix the litigants, just deal with them as they are.  You would do well to perceive the overall reality - that your spouse isn't listening to you - and accept that perspective too.

If you are a religious person, then her infidelity, a historical basis to end a marriage, will give you relief that you have the guilt-free option to let the marriage end.

There are no minor children?  Then you don't have to deal with that custody/parenting issues complication.

It is what it is.  Let Go.  Move On.

*welcome*

You have found a safe place and a place that is full of "SMEs"  (Subject Matter Experts) on various parts of dealing with a spectrum of behaviors, broadly labeled BPD traits.

I'm retired Naval Aviator.  Like most military types, tend to like to "take action" and chafe at waiting.  I like what I read that you are taking action with your physical activities and seeing P and EMDR.  Quality steps for self care.

If your chain of command called you and told you to "take self care up to the next level", what would that look like?

If they asked what you could do to be kind and compassionate to yourself... .what would that look like?

There are several retired and ex military types around these boards. 

I'll keep checking back to see where you are in the process.

Last thought:  As you are aware in the military... .quality of training matters.  Where are you at in your journey of discovering this world of BPD?  Think of it as going to defense language institute to learn a totally weird language that makes no sense to you.

Back to my training point:  The quality spread of BPD resources on the web is dramatic.  My point is that bpdfamily is a solid site with good moderation/leadership.  Goal is to educate you without telling you what decisions to make.   


FF

To all,

I will try to learn how to use this message board. connecting and just taking one more active step to mind safety feels better already. I want to tell everyone that it meant a lot that there were responses, it would have been a little devastating if no one did. I will kick up the self care. I will do activities that i loved before i felt as if i could not do them in the marriage.

I have to run now and see my Psychiatrist at the VA.

Sorry for the short response.

Cal

If you need to ever talk VA stuff... .I'm pretty good at it and I know other guys on the boards that have experience.

For me... .3 rounds of comp and pen exams finally got me to 100% P&T.

I'm currently seeing a civilian psychologist because she is a great fit for my situation.  Yes I pay some out of pocket for that. I have used VA before and it was a generally positive experience.

When pwBPD are in the mix you need a Psychiatrist or Psychologist that is at the top of their game.  Especially if you bring issues (I have PTSD) to the table. 

I'm glad you found us.

FF