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I never thought I'd say this but I'm grateful for this experience. It's given me a chance to grow in ways I never thought I would. Behind all the pain it causes it starts to make you realize all the things you don't like about yourself but may have never noticed. Let's face it. I was a pushover and easily manipulated. It took extreme circumstances to get me to see this. I was too nice helping people that didn't reciprocate. I seeked validation in others rather than myself. I had a lot of anger built up from childhood that never surfaced. I was stubborn and my communication skills sucked. I could be selfish sometimes and other times not selfish enough. I was a liar because I cared too much about what others think. I cared too much about what others thought. The list could go on. I'm happy. Wow I can't believe I'm saying that. I'm happy with my life and how things have worked out. I'm happy that I have been gifted with this experience. Rather than sot around and cry about what's happened i did something and I became stronger and more open minded.

It is very strange, but I would describe myself just like this. 

BPD is the toughest thing you will ever face. You have no idea the strength it takes until you look back and see the path you just walked.

This is a really great post.  I've realized lately just how much time and stress I've spent on things that are so completely inconsequential -- it's made me a less honest person and I just keep telling myself everyday that I do not have to be anyone's butler, anyone's caretaker, anyone's doormat.  Relationships are 50/50 and I'm more than confident that I'm giving my half and then some -- there's no reason for me to worry about things the way that I do.  Learning about BPD, seeking help on a personal level, and doing what I can to help myself has been a big time wake-up call to simply be "me."  It's a daily process, but it all stems from telling myself that there should be no consequences to being who I am.

This is one of my biggest issues. I despise that a holiday or birthday can be ruined because there is not a fork in the potato salad. Or that the "good" fork was not used. And just switching out forks doesn't fix it. Or because someone was invited or not invited or a million inconsequential issues.   

Things like this definitely happen. I think part of growth is teaching yourself... ."I don't give a %&#". Im going to enjoy this birthday and if she wants to ruin it on her own then she can do that. Its much easier said than done for sure. I don't think I have hit that point yet but that's a good goal to try to reach. Every day is a battle and pushes every boundary you have. Keep getting stronger. Keep pushing yourself to be better.

There is a reason that we say that our pwBPD give us a gift if we are ready to receive it.  :thought:

. : )    that's great. yeah, sometimes we gotta be pushed into personal growth. well done on the hard work you've put in to get there. you deserve to feel strong and happy and proud of yourself jrharvey.