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I don't know where to post this. I am just upset. After a six-month relationship, I just got clocked in my face (after blocking several other attempts) by my GF while we were having what I would call a very minor argument. While she's not BPD, obviously something is very wrong. This was a closed-fisted punch.

I know she was physically abused as a child which I'm sure this is a part of. Also, she is under a lot of stress. Either way, it is NEVER excusable to hit anyone in a relationship. Male, female, whatever.

I asked to leave and just picked up my stuff from her place as this relationship is over. That will be her first and last time doing that to me.

I wonder what her ex-husband went through?

I never in a million years thought this would happen.

Over the years, I found the person that I was dating would get into irrational rages and hit me. The first time was the worst because it harms you to your soul.

Most recently she hit me almost 4 months ago and felt she was unaccountable and justified. She left and I have not spoken to her online or in person since.

I have read worst stories about the man having broken bones and other permanent damage. Her attack completely caught me unawares. Makes me wonder whether she ever treated previous boyfriends like this before?

You are right. No one deserves to be abused and that is exactly what punching someone in the face is.

Hold your boundary. You sound like you are doing the right things and getting out. Anyone who reacts like that has some serious issues, BPD or not.

Hope you are OK.

 
PW

Hi WhatJustHappened?,

I've been there. That is a huge Red Flag. Be glad you are out, it could've been a lot worse. There is a good possibility you will hear back from her. Most of these people don't go away until you tell them to stop contacting you. Stay away and block her from any way possible she can reach you.

Good Luck.

Thanks all.

Now that I have had some time to process this, I am quite concerned that she has some form of bi-polar or other mental disease. I saw this woman literally flip from a routine argument to violence in a second. She began to hit herself before hitting me. That's just really weird.

I can't fix this for her but I want her to get help. Any advice? I am also still really angry regardless and have no intention of staying involved. I am also betting that this is not the first time this has happened. Her Mom, from how she described it, went nuts years ago which leads me to believe there's more going on.

I am also concerned that she will become suicidal. She hasn't said anything but still.

I did send her an email in hopes that she will read it.

You can suggest she seeks therapy, but that is it. It is not your problem to fix. Your walking away should be enough to teach her you don't do that. If she gets suicidal and calls you, you ask her if you can send her some help, because you are not able to help her with that. Either she says no, because she is not serious or she says yes and you call 911 and send them to her. It takes the pressure off of you and teaches her that she can not manipulate you with suicide threats.  Be proud of yourself for walking away.  Just don't take on trying to help her... .it just keeps you linked. People can only help themselves if they want to. Abusers will promise to never do it again, but if you accept it once, they will do it again, it's just a matter of time. Without major therapy, it doesn't change unfortunately.

Hey WhatJust, No need to mull it over.  A punch w/closed fist is is unacceptable.  Many of us had to hem and haw over leaving; you, on the other hand, have received a clear signal, which in some ways is an advantage.

LuckyJim

That makes sense. I did send the email and she responded. I will not be dealing with this as you mentioned. It's not on me to fix.

Hi WhatJustHappened,

I have experienced directly both of the incidents you describe (her close fist punching herself) (her punching me) and feel your shock.

Like you I was so disturbed by my BPD close fist punching herself (she did it on two seperate occasions) and I was forced to intervene as she was hitting herself so hard. As always though it was my fault she had punched herself in the face.

Likewise I was physicallt assaulted by her twice - once with close fist punches to the chest and secondly she punched me 3 times in the face drawing blood (busting my lip and nearly breaking my nose).  Ironically she did this at Disney including in front of a mother and her two young children.

Get out of there and dont let her ever have the chance to do that to you again.  Set the boundary so you dont end up to the point I have been of having to hide knifes from her and making sure there is enough distance between us in case she randomly decided to attack me.

Thanks again everyone.

She's OK and is seeking therapy. Or at least that's what she is saying.

That's all I need to know so I am done with her. I got a long list of excuses via email which was just pathetic.

Now what? Back to the drawing board after I will take a much-needed break. Second koo koo bird in 2 years. I really know how to pick 'em. I thought I had tuned up my Red Flag monitor after the first koo koo bird but I guess you never really know until you put some time into a relationship.

Hi WhatJustHappened?

I too have been through the fist-to-face and seen self-harm.

I support this suggestion:

It might help you to write down your boundaries around violence if you're still in contact with her. I think that may be helpful to you.

I gotta say that being that done when it escalates to physical abuse is a very healthy choice on your part.

Especially because this kind of abusive relationship tends to escalate. If you stick around, physical attacks like that will probably happen again, and likely be worse eventually.

Take care of yourself, and stay safe!

Yeah, that's what I think too Grey Kitty. But it's tough. I lover her and miss her and really thought she was the one. As the anger wears off, the sadness kicks in. I know there are cycles of grief and I'll be just fine.

Luckily, I have this forum that will listen to me whine and shout :)

Had she been verbally or emotionally abusive to you for a while before she hit you?

No, nothing like that. It was like a switch flipped. She hit herself and then said she was sorry in an apologetic way and then she turned angry and wham!

Nothing happened before that... .

I felt this way too. I then tried to "make it work" with my ex. I felt like she converted my compassion to where it became my job to fix her. Tantrums were about weekly.

I set boundaries. Punches evolved to hard open-palm slaps. Then public hitting. That's the inside of a monster relationship.

I look at it like a living hell. From inside, you start looking at other people who have been at it for years thinking "oh, I don't have it so bad". This is not a difficult marriage, this is a living hell.

If things are difficult at work or it wasn't a good day with your children, that's too bad. You have a dysregulating striking adult-woman-child to wet-nurse. Intimacy starts being reduced and even becomes sickening. She'll strike you tomorrow.

One thing that may help is to ask yourself this. Do you:
(1) feel sorrow for others' pains (kindheartedness),
(2) self-describe as highly logical, and
(3) self-describe as determined?
If so I think you're vulnerable too.

I encourage you to think about how you exercise these traits when a person:
(A) teases you,
(B) treads on your esteem, or
(C) strikes you.

Stepping back and seeing it in this context will help you. Sometimes stopping compassion at the right time makes you a better person than the person that doesn't know how to stop.

---

Be ready for her to attempt to use your compassion for people, for her.

Be ready for her to find you in a place where you are vulnerable. The more time you've spent thinking about her, the more chances you're going to feel things are "okay". They are not okay--and it's important for you to stick to that. Things are not only not okay, they will never be okay again.

I too was at about 6-8 months when my upwBPD ex started striking.

Good luck!   :)

Wow! Thanks gotbushels.

So how would you anticipate her using my compassion against me? Really curious.

Thanks again... .you provided some very useful thoughts!

I hope it helps WhatJustHappened.

Answering your question--I think anything she does to make you think that hitting you is "not a big deal". This can be FOG, using physical means, distracting you, etc.

Can you see how each of these can use your compassion against you?

If you mean not leading up to that incident, that seems odd, but I believe you.

Did you have less powerful verbal/emotional abuse patterns before? A few examples... .

Circular arguments where you can't resolve anything, and it just gets worse.

Phases where you are criticized or blamed for everything you do, and if you do nothing, that becomes a target instead because of what you should have done, or should have known to do.

This can be done with a normal tone of voice, without bad names or swearing, but with the same pattern and similar impact. Or it can be screaming obscenities at you. The tone varies widely among people.

Or maybe it is just that you get the silent treatment for anything or nothing, and are pointedly and clearly ignored and disregarded, possibly for days or weeks.

Somehow or other, she gets you to reduce contact with other family and friends, with reasons that might even sound good, but the net result is you becoming more isolated.

Most cases, getting hit like this happens after months or more likely years of abusive behavior slowly escalating. The way gotbushels described it is much more common than it appearing out of nowhere... .although on the inside, there often is a point of "waking up" and noticing what is there and had been sneaking up on you.

No, nothing like the typical BPD behavior happened so I am not sure what to make of it. She has flipped switches before in a quick fashion but no violence. "No, please, I'm sorry" and then "I hate you (with angry face)".

No circular arguments, no degrading comments, no silent treatment. There was, however, lots of victim-playing and excuse-making.

Either way, hitting not allowed.

I sure can. She hasn't gone that far "no big deal" yet but there was a long list of excuses. Apparently this kind of anger has manifested before but that was never disclosed. It manifested with her ex husband.

Her rationale to this was that she has been under a lot of stress and anxiety and that she was upset it happened but not surprised... .huh?

The only psychological issues she disclosed was depression and anxiety. She was also physically abused when she was a child. To the point that her grand parents raised her. She describes it as her Mom went crazy.

Does any of this Grey Kitty and gotbushels add up to you? It doesn't to me.

100% agree with the active conclusion of yours--Hitting you is not acceptable and you won't be in that relationship.

At this point, you don't really need to know why or how she became abusive. I'm not a professional. Most of my experience around abuse is centered around BPD/NPD, and much of it learned here. I don't feel qualified to say much on other sources/reasons/excuses for being abusive.

Childhood abuse certainly leaves damage, often perpetuating the abuse. Some tend to be drawn toward abusive people, while others tend to become abusive. I guess that fits.

Depression and anxiety is less clear. My wife's depression brought out her BPD (abusive too!) traits, and she never had BPD diagnosed, and never acknowledged it.

Do you think she has BPD or BPD traits? If so, what gave you the idea/what fits it?

No I do not think she is BPD or NPD. I've dated a BPD and theses two people are nothing a like. But like you said Grey Kitty, it doesn't matter. I'll let the professionals diagnose that.

All I know is that once that boundary is crossed, it's very hard to recover from. I've had anger issues in the past and not once was I ever at the point of hitting a SO.

Yeah, she's dangerous like a poisonous snake--treat her that way.

Don't talk to her about not using her fangs, just stay far enough away that you won't get bit. You don't need to hurt her, and you don't need to understand her. All you need to do is keep yourself safe.

And grieve the end of a relationship you had a lot of hopes for. 

Just got a box back with my stuff and a letter from this POS. I am so angry.

Here's an email I drafted. I know, don't hit send:

I am so angry at you - I will NEVER be able to forgive you.


1.) You LIED about your past mental health issues to me

2.) You wasted six months of my time and resources

3.) You HIT me and then made a lot of excuses for it. You don't hit people. Period.


Now it all makes sense. Your ex saying that "you must be off your meds" actually meant something. I wonder how many times you hit him? I would divorce you too.


But hey, you get to go on with your life, make excuses to your friends and family on why we broke up, start a new job. It's all good for you. I love how that all works. No real consequences. What does "take full responsibility" mean by the way? I love when people say that.


You are very lucky I don't hit women. The last guy who hit me ended up with a broken nose.


You are NOT WELCOME in my life. My friends and family all know the truth so you have burnt a bridge. If I even get a hint that you are trying to contact me, I will file for a restraining order. I hope that I am being very clear.


You will regret this for a long time. I know I regret it. I wake up every morning using my anger towards you to move on with my life and find something (and someone) better. If I wanted crazy, I could have dated S who lives 5 miles away. I certainly didn't need to drive to that hole of a city you live in for this kind of crap.


Wishing you all the worst... .

Hey WhatJust, You're angry, which is healthy to acknowledge.  It means you recognize your feelings, which is a good thing (I lost touch with my emotions in the course of marriage to a pwBPD).  Usually underneath anger is hurt.  Maybe it would be worth considering how she hurt you?  Might help to explore.

LuckyJim

 |iiii Those a great emails to write. I've been there. I'm cautious by nature, so I tend to make sure that there is nothing in the "To:" field when I write them, if I don't do them in a word processor instead of an email program.

You just gotta say those things and get them out there... .for yourself.

I think you know that nothing good will come of her reading it, or at least nothing good for you, right?

Hi WhatJustHappened? 

I admire that letter. I think there is anger in it, I feel that in the writing. I actually relate to that letter. I feel that some of the voice that I couldn't express during my time with my ex can be described by some of the things you mention there. Things like who takes responsibility, lying, and making excuses.

I think it's valuable to many people here as an example of how to "stop the buck". Part of the issue with relationships with pwBPDs is the knottiness in the issues. Here's a good example of how to get out at a knot. I think it takes self-control to write things like that and not send them. I think what's healthy is when the drama  stops with us and I think this is a good example of how to do it.   :)  So thank you for sharing.

Regarding your question about adding up;
I think you may have answered your own curiosity here WhatJustHappened. Would you mind sharing why what she said made you "huh"?

What might interest you is that this is similar to one of the explanations from my ex.

I hope you have a better week.  :)

That's a great question. So in my mind, if she knew about this problem and wasn't surprised by her assault actions, wouldn't you think that even before those actions were acted upon that one would seek help and disclose it before it got out of hand? There's even a bit of "oh well, not surprised... .lets just ignore it and move on" attitude. Huh?

I painfully disclosed to her in the beginning of our relationship my depression/anxiety challenges. I wanted to make sure she knew the full story before committing. Clearly the same courtesy was not given to me.

I totally get that no one wants to say, "oh, by the way, I have a propensity for violence" but it needs to be disclosed. We/she could have worked on that.

Unfortunately you all will be disappointed in me... .I did send a version of that letter and I must say that it felt great. Probably shouldn't have but too late now. My anger got the best of me.

And for an update, she contacted me again on Saturday even after I told her no more contact. This was the third time. She managed to get a message through my blocking efforts. I told her to expect a certified letter with a cease and desist message.

She wrote back that she's done and has deleted my contact information. How sad. It's truly over. I keep asking myself if I did the right thing and I'm pretty sure I did. Boundaries need to be set and consequences need to be realized. Would any of you ever give an ex a second chance after being assaulted?

My 2c... .If the beating happens just one time, I could pardon and give the benefit of the doubt... .if that happens a second time, I'd consider that as a pattern and leave the relationship.

Not me. I was disappointed that you didn't send it.

Once I discovered you did. I was jubilant.  :)

These "people" just don't get it. Your letter was clear, concise, and straight to the point, and being done you have nothing to lose.

I still advise against sending "pouring your heart out" type letters.

You kept your integrity. You took the high road. Good for you.

I know the feeling. My ex gave me several black eyes busted lips bruised face. She would hit herself making me get her alcohol. Ironically I got two CDVs... .false statements by her. At the end she discarded me. So I am free of abuse. I just pray I save our son. God is with me.