BPDFamily.com

I've gained a lot of insight from reading many posts already on here, but thought I would tell my story. I know these long tales can be a bit much, but i just need to get it out.
I have MDD and have a history of pretty short-lived relationships. Both of my parents died in the last 5 years, my father of suicide.

Anyway, I've been I think voluntarily single for 4 years until I meet this woman at work. She's everything for me, just her vibe, the sound of her voice, how she seems shy like me but was outgoing enough to introduce herself so directly.

Anyhow, we were drawn to each other and eventually she looked up my number from the work contact list and said we should hang out sometime, which we did.
As many have described on here, I felt like I was meeting my best friend or soul mate.

Once I got back from out of town, during which we had been emailing every day, I met her after she got off work, and we were instantly comfortable.

We saw each other every day just about for a few weeks. There were a few things that worried me about her. She had a very gentle and wholesome quality, but was bothered by my perspective on sex, which had lost importance to me over time compared to making a strong emotional connection. She told me sometimes she just wants to get f***ed, which made me feel sad to hear. Later she explained that she did not convey what she meant well and that she just felt sex was important for her in a relationship, and we laughed about it.

But she would talk about her exes a lot, a junkie, a narcissist.

I think seeing her as this tough girl who had been with kind of hard guys made me sad, since I am super sensitive and not very masculine, and it made her seem farther away from me, so anyhow, I got kind of huffy one night we went out because this bartender was giving her the eye for like 3 minutes straight without even looking at me when I talked to him or paid him.
I was being a baby about it, but what really hurt was that she cooly said she didn't notice it. Then we both just kind of got defensive and stuck in a mood. It was hard as hell to come out of it.

The next day, we talked over what had happened. I apologized and took ownership that I was being jealous and silly and that it wasn't about her but about my insecurities, but the thing that was confusing was her passivity in the matter. She kept saying that she was just picking up on my emotions and feeling bad. I made a pretty unsympathetic remark knowing what I know about BPD  now about doesn't she have her own emotions that originate inside her or something, and she got super pissed.

Anyhow, once in a while we would have these weird interactions where we couldn't read each other, and we would both get stuck inside an emotional vortex. Eventually, she sent me info about BPD, saying she suffered from the disorder and she was convinced I did too, and I definitely identified with several of the traits.

I obsessively read over a ton of material, and books about being in a relationship with a BPD, and it started clicking right at the point she started pulling away from me, which was only about a month into seeing each other. Two weeks in, she wrote me a letter telling me she loved me, and how it was the first time she could tell someone that without having to be drunk or feel uncomfortable. Personally, I made the mistake once or twice in my life of falling for someone and dropping the "L" bomb, so I've conditioned myself to just not say it, but of course I reciprocated, because I did love her.

It did throw me off however that she said she loved me, but also said she was not interested in a relationship, didn't want monogamy or to belong to anybody. I mean, it was ridiculous to me to ask for those things at that juncture, but exclusivity came up because of how fast things were moving and how she said she loved me.

Later she said something that really hurt me, something that gave me insight into the illness speaking and protecting her from responsibility: "I think we must mean different things by love. When I say it, I mean in literally, like I love the person you are right now. When you say it, it's like, I love you. Now what?"

She also told me probably the most painful thing I've ever heard from a partner: "Before you needed something from me, I was glad to be all yours." I know I am needy, but is it so wrong to need affection? But of course it is. I had no idea where she was coming from.

The last time we were really together, I felt her getting upset with me. I can't remember what it was, maybe just picking up on a mood from me, but I was able to diffuse it. I went into her room and played her guitar, and we were fine. I liked the challenge of diffusing the emotions. I wanted to keep getting better. She resented how much thought I put into the "relationship".

She says her emotions shifted and she's not sure why. It'd been a month of her being in touch but very distant, saying she feels freaked out but doesn't want to be. Then after work she kissed me and said she liked me so much--we would work it out. Then when I brought it up again, she said she had nothing to say. She could tell I wanted to be close and she just couldn't. I recently called her to get some closure and she explained that she needed someone more emotionally stable, which makes sense and I'm sure is better. She was sorry for misleading me and felt bad about the whole thing, and she's super nice to me at work, which just makes me sad.
I've been sick and obsessed. I know I need to work on myself and am a lonely, vulnerable man, but  I miss her so much. I love her. I know it can't ever go back to the honeymoon, but that's fine. She's still who she is, and the woman I first met is still there, and I really fell for her. I want to just understand her better. She challenged me in the ways I'd been praying for. She says she's broken, but I see her at work and out and about, and the whole world loves her.

I never want to disrespect a person's boundaries. I know she feels nothing now, but I feel that fear and pain smothered the love and that it's still there. Maybe I am crazy. Maybe she thought she loved me and is embarrassed at her mistake. I don't want to cause her more pain or be toxic, but I am trying to figure out if there's anything I can do to bring her back and I think we could be good for each other with work, because we understand each other. I'll be her friend--I just want to get through to her again. I miss her and feel sad. Thank you.

We all know the pain and fear that comes from the ending of one of these relationships. It is all such a whirlwind. Emotions are high. The foundation is ripped out from under us and the world implodes as a result.

In all honesty, you already mentioned the best thing that you can do; work on yourself.

You need to make yourself strong and attractive to her again. People who suffer from BPD need structure and a strong partner. Being needy and clingy won't show her that you're strong and can provide structure.

What do you think that you can do to work on yourself?

The description she gave of her changing feelings when you "needed something from her" and how she feels distant but doesn't want to, doesn't know why her feelings changed ... .These are classic BPD features and NOT necessarily due to you being "clingy." Which doesn't mean that you might not want to examine how very fast you felt committed to her and wanted the same from her; but even if you were not "needy" in the slightest, she might have the same reaction.

Many pwBPD seem to process the thought of long term commitment, when the chance to do that is not theoretical but immediately presented by an actual person, as suffocating and oppressive. It kills what was working for them. My ex is one of these. I am the opposite of needy--but he still feels terrible when he contemplates a commitment, while he feels totally different if we can just be together without any preconditions or understandings. He doesn't know why he feels this way. I was cool with the no preconditions part till I found out that meant he would date others.

Your ex sounds similar. That her feelings switch from positive to aversive when she contemplates being in a real r/ship with a real person. There are probably complex deeply buried reasons for his--fear of losing her self and her autonomy; fear of things going wrong and it hurting too much (my ex cites to both). I want to stress that this is flowing from long ago experiences and defenses in HER. You are not causing this and in all likelihood can't behave in a way that can prevent the reaction. She might learn someday how to tolerate those feelings and push through to the other side where she finds you aren't actually trying to control her, won't take anything away from her, it won't end badly; but that takes skills on her part that most people don't just stumble onto.

My ex was never able to do that. He reaches conclusions about us based on his persistent shift from good to bad feelings about me, and therefore will only offer friendship, and keeps looking for a woman with whom this will not happen.

I know it hurts--I'm so sorry.

Thank you for your responses. Though your perspectives are somewhat different, they pretty much represent the conflict I feel internally.
Meili, I think it's absolutely true that all I can do is work on myself. I don't know that I can seem attractive to her again, and I think she is pretty spot on that we are both pretty sensitive and reactive. I think my biggest contribution though is empathy. I wish I had understood BPD at the get go, as I'm sure many can relate. We work together in a small business too, and I think it's clear that I am a mess right now, and I even contacted her again recently, I think just out of preference for a clear rejection over limbo. Not attractive under any circumstances though!
patientandclear, I really appreciate you sharing your experience. It has helped to hear from another person a similar reaction. It takes away some of the pain, because I am realizing that I internalize a lot of feedback from her as truth because part of what attracted me to her was her acute perceptions.
But sometimes it was definitely mind-reading, paranoia, and comparing me with past bfs or herself in a past relationship: "I know what you're doing because I have done this before too."
The hard truth is I have gotten feedback numerous times that I am too needy. Even my psych told me last time I saw her that my pwBPD was picking up on codependency and testing me to see if I could handle myself. I do break down when I get attached and someone becomes emotionally distant, but yeah, I think my pwBPD was also freaking out because she realized I wasn't casual about relationships, even though we both talked about being interested in pursuing LTR in the beginning as well. Like you said, I think that is her ideal, but she is still working to be able handle the fears.
I'm curious, because your ex sounded like he was fairly self-aware about his fears--was he in therapy or had he been? My ex is very knowledgable about herself and even emailed me info on BPD towards the end. She had been in therapy which sounded helpful to her self-awareness, but she is not currently.
You are right though--I fell hard fast. According to her, she was just "going with it" and I was "acting like her boyfriend" from our first date because I offered to put her things in my bag while we walked etc. I think she told me she loved me because she felt love from me in a way that she wanted to explore in contrast to less emotionally available partners. I don't know, I feel my true colors are showing now that she's dumped me and I feel extreme neediness of withdrawal. Anyhow, thank you both so much for your input. It's really helpful to have this community.

None of us know that when we start down this path. The good thing is that by working on yourself you will become more attractive. Confidence is attractive to everyone.

Thank you for your help! I had one follow up question--I've been pretty depressed and thinking it might be a good move to find a new job sinve we work together. Obviously, I am going to make the choice that is best for me, but I am curious if me leaving could be an abandonment trigger? Or does it seem likely that since she no longer is interested in me that it would not really be an issue? It's kind of a moot question, but was curious if anyone had a perspective on this? Thbaks!

Well, it could be an abandonment trigger, but you cannot live your life constantly worrying about her emotions. You must do what is best for yourself.

You're right--thanks for your input!