BPDFamily.com

I feel sad.  In a very acrimonious divorce that started 10 months ago, 2 of the older kids came to my house only for the 3rd time.  The oldest is junior in high school.  They were polite but said that I am the cause of all the cost of the divorce.  I keep taking mom back to court (they are for contempts of not being there when the kids are there). The oldest 4 have essentially limited all communication with me. 

They said that I have spent to much money on the divorce and wasting money.  My son said you think we had a really good relationship before the divorce but we really didn't. If you keep going through the divorce you will end not having a lot of your children like you anymore.  (We have 7 kids).  I asked them if they wanted an explanation or if I could apologize.  Son said they only thing you can do is change what you are doing or it is going to be too late to have any relationship with them. 
 
Background:  I left a very volatile marriage.  The lawyer (and then subsequent therapist) labeled it as battered man syndrome.  Amoung other things in my marriage, I agreed to stop all communication with my family of origen so I could 'prove my love to my wife' letting her know she was #1.   I even agreed to not visit my Dad when he was in Hospice even though he was only 5 minutes away.  I agreed to only visit him when I was with my wife- which was only twice.  AFter his death I knew I had a big problem with allowing this behavior. 

So I left the house, but the same play book was given to my kids to cut me out of their life.  I understand what they are going through because I did the same thing to my family in order to 'maintain control' of my wifes rages. 

Kids say that I am taking Mom to court too much--  they are the contempt against my wife for of not allowing me to see the kids as indicated in the provisional order. I wanted to say so much but thought it would only come off as not listening to them.  After they said their piece, they got up and left.   

I don't really know what to say to him... .  or what my next step should be. 

Your oldest kid is almost an adult.  It might be time to tell the truth,  since it sounds like you're losing the war. What they're telling you sounds directly from her, in combination with "rescuing" her, the "victim."

I imagine it would be hard to do this without JADEing. Can you lay out the facts?

The court ordered mom to not keep dad from seeing you.  Mom is violating this.  If she stops violating the court order,  the court will not object.  Dad will not be required by the court to appear. Neither will mom. 

One can only hope the gain wisdom,  if not now then later,  that you loved them by refusing to give up. 

Thank you Turkish!