BPDFamily.com

First time here. Second time reading stop walking in eggshells.  Married 21 year to a person with BPD. Pretty much classic story of isolation, rages, telling me one minute she doesn't deserve me and the next she wished she never met me.  I lost myself so much by the end of it I didn't even recognize myself any more.  I felt ashamed to get divorced because of my promise to God. Also the whole in sickness part. How could I leave this poor girl that was so screwed up.  If I don't stay what is going to happen to her.  Finally ended after two affairs, having her label me a narcissist, and being barred from reading any book on BPD or talking to the kids about it. Separated 1 and 1/2 years and divorce 1 year anniversary on December 7th. Really getting myself back.  Reconnecting with lost friends.  New incredible girl friend. Now I have worries that my 13 yo daughter is heading down the BPD path.  It scares me to death and breaks my heart. She once was an intelligent girl and now is really struggling.  I am having a hard time getting her to stay with me and she now feels it is her responsibility to "take care of" my exwife. I can she her behavior change towards me into almost a splitting situation.  She has been cutting herself and is in counseling.  I meet with the therapist tomorrow. 

I've been split 3 years,  but I already see signs of our 4 year old daughter being enmeshed with her mom.  We have joint custody of her and our 6 year old son. What's your custody order?

Regarding your daughter, those behaviors are concerning.  In addition to the lessons here,  you may find good material on the Parenting Board as well.  It doesn't mean your daughter is BPD, but material there may help you get ahead of she possibly developing it.  Given her mother,  that's a valid concern. 

Thank you for the additional resources to check out. Custody is 50/50 week by week.  I actually just talked her into letting my 16 year old come and go as she pleases.  This was a real struggle because my ex uses so much guilt and manipulation to keep them close.  My 16 year old is final able to see this and wanting to get away from her more and more on her week to be with ex. I had a very nice talk with my 13 yo that I was very worried about. She spent the night here. It gave me great hope.  The interesting thing is that she is done with therapy for a while and my ex is still going.  I talked to the therapist that is seeing both of them and raised my concerns about BPD with her.  So I am hoping the therapist helped my daughter and can continue to help my ex.

It's good to enable your 16 yo to assert more independence,  and it's also good that you've talked to the T. A professional guide can see things we can't.  Also appropriately be a baseline. My T just this week said,  "let's not use the term 'enmeshed' as that's a pathological designation."

I remember facing the divorce dilemma, I had never before imagine divorce could even be a possibility.  But once my family and nearly all friends were driven away, I was just about the only one left and I started seeing my then-spouse trying to make herself see me as a child molester risk.  I knew I was increasingly in danger of allegations in that last year.  I had to reexamine my options.  I too felt an obligation to stand by my spouse for better or for worse but I had to protect myself so I could be a parent for our child, then a preschooler.  I did divorce after our separation and after I confirmed there was no hope for real reconciliation.

I had no knowledge of infidelity as you did, but as an FYI in case you had religious reluctance to divorce, the Bible clearly states a valid basis to divorce and have freedom to remarry is when there has been infidelity.  Jesus and early congregation writers spoke on that matter multiple times in the New Testament.

Children growing up in homes where conflict and control issues are overwhelming often have a hard time seeing issues in an objective perspective.  What you can help with is validating them when observing the issues and situations, and reaching solid conclusions, their own, and sticking by those conclusions.  Commendation and other support goes a long way.  Even if they start off wrong, you can give guidance to point them in the right direction.  So often they're like driftwood driven by the storms.  (My Ex and her sister grew up in a home filled with unreasonable demands and recurring conflict.  I saw this in my SIL, though a young adult at the time she had a very hard time making conclusions and sticking to them.  She would morph according to the opinions of those around her.)  Will their conclusions persist, like the rocks on the seashore or change back and forth as the sand when going from one home to the other and back?  As they become adults they'll need to make their own observations, draw healthy conclusions and stick by them in order to deal with life in healthy ways and prosper.  Then they can be like trees, blown about to an extent by the fierce wind but bouncing back once the storm is past.