BPDFamily.com

So it has been over a year out that we broke up. I was crushed almost killed myself all of that. Lost my business and my mind for a while.  But I've done a lot of inner work and am beginning to see the pattern with BPD in my life. My mom my half brother my grandfather an old roomate or two and another exgf. Each of them were very different people so the disorder clearly manifests in different ways.  

But my most recent ex was my best friend.  I want to keep in touch with her throughout my life. Heck I might visit her now and then to catch up.  I just know she has the disorder and I'm ok with that.

Ok, you've made this decision, but is she responding? What is that like so far?

She responded i havnt back yet though.  I don't how it will be it is probably enough time passed I am no longer painted black.  I don't really have a lot of expectations anymore.

Well, I am curious as to how this plays out, so please keep posting.

Ok well I will. The thing is it's most important I'm following my own thing while I remain in touch with her and if I find myself falling for her again I will have to back off because it's not a healthy path.

Hey Blim,

I am really interested in seeing how this plays out with y'all as I too will eventually tread this path. My relationship with my BPDexgf goes all the way back to childhood; I will not discard the many years of good over a few months of bad.

Take care of YOU in this re-engagement! I wish you all the best and hope that the new relationship that y'all fashion is beneficial for both. Please keep us posted.

Tread careful my friend.

Yeah I'm not looking to really recycle with her.  Maybe at some point briefly. 

I can't point fingers as I've done exactly that. Just bulletproof yourself as best you can and be on your guard constantly.

Thanks inferno.  I'm at a point now that I dot think she will be able to hurt me so much. And in reality after all we went through I don't think she will want to recycle I'm pretty sure I would remind her of her own pain too much. 

Beyond that I just have detached enough that I don't expect her to be that person she was for me once and that she probably has an attachment as several backups she is grooming and I just am not interested in all that crap.

NO CONTACT = NO CONTACT. forever!. don't change the equation. it is like E=MC2.

Yeah I thought that mine couldn't hurt me so much now and while I do have a resistance,  I have caught myself slipping once or twice.  It's amazing how after a few good fun days with them you forget you are dealing with a shark.

Well I think it comes down to accepting me and her are not going to grow old together

I know what you mean Blim. I had to accept that too, not an easy pill to swallow!

i really tried and wanted to be friends with my exGF. I wasn't interested in looking for dating anyone else, and talking with her made me happy - gave me something to look forward to.

In retrospect, it was like walking on a minefield.  I took one wrong step -

KABLAM!

Now I'm cut off, probably blamed for what she did to herself, and not even thought of/about anymore.

It messed me up because I never processed everything that transpired and all the bad she put me through.

I delayed getting myself back to ME.

7 months NC, no social media at all for me, even though I think of her and miss her alot.

But I just cannot go there anymore. I do not have the emotional strength and fortitude.

I wish you the best, but you are taking a huge risk. It seems more unexpected psychological damage can result from hanging around with a BPD ex after they abandon, discard, or switch to someone else.

Yeah idk.  She didn't really respond so much so I don't think she really gives a fu anymore.  Too many times in the past I told her off by text I guess.

Yea she doesn't want to be friends i demanded an apology too many times.  Now I just remi her of her shame.

I am thinking that a person living with BPD might find it quite difficult to maintain a friendship with an ex. Even friendships could trigger attachment related anxiety and fear for the person living with BPD. There are a couple of threads on this forum where friends of people with BPD have reported abuse and are searching for support like those in romantic partnerships.  Additionally,  all sorts of things could trigger negative memories in the person with BPD about the past relationship, and even good memories or good experiences as friends could potentially trigger guilt and shame for their behavior and ending the relationship. Learning from an ex that he/she is doing well after the relationship ended also could trigger confirmation within the person with BPD that he/she was indeed the problem in the relationship and is not capable of truly loving and/or not worthy of being loved.

I'd like to add splitting. I was split black for a long period, nearly 3 years. If your split black it pertains to pain from the core wound that happened in the past. Push / pull behavior.

I was split white a few months ago and for a pwBPD; split white is fulfilling a need that most likely is something that she should be taking care for herself. I think in my case it's emotional back-up. There's a possibility and most likely I may be split black again for anything; she may not understand why. My ex isn't very self aware. Although I can be less triggering with responses, splitting is in neither of control because she doesn't see the good and bad in people as a whole. Your good or bad.

I can be amicable; supportive and objectively I don't think it would fulfill a friendship in the traditional sense. She has unstable interpersonal relationships and I need to be mindful, is it fulfilling a need for you?  She may not be able to meet you half way due to her impaired social skills.

I suppose I just felt like picking scabs again and didn't realize it.  What a tragedy.

I suppose I am split black and I am pretty sure everyone in her life after me did a good job of enabling her to split me black because they were jealous of what me and her had together. 

Don't be hard on yourself. You can have compassion with boundaries.

Do you think more time needs to pass? To put this behind you?

Without the idea of intimacy or romance and simply friends?

That's all I wanted was just to simply be friends.

I'm not sure being friends is possible. I found the 'stop being a caretaker... .' Book helpful in understanding why.

Did you reach out to her, or her to you?

Sorry to hear what you have gone through Blim, hopefully the experience will help you to focus on you and that will cause you to become stronger.

BPD sucks.

I was wondering what did you think would happen when one of her groomed orbiters decided to pick up with her?... .the usual story is to paint you black to them. She would probably not have been able to maintain a "friendship" with you as it would be contradictory to her statements to them. Even if she wanted to the new acquisition would possibly either object or make it a healthy boundary... .?

I wonder if this is what has happened to your "friendship"... .?

BPD sucks. I know... .I already said that.

I reached out to her. 

I am finally at a place I can be friends with her but I guess it doesn't matter. 

Obviously not.

Blimblam I consider your knowledge of BPD to be advanced.  That being the case I'm surprised you reached out. 

Once I trully consider someone family and make that bond I care about them for life. 

A family member and one of my best friends from an earlier point in life died and I missed her I just wanted to touch base with her. 

Interesting thought Mutt. I have been split black and another friend of my uBPDexgf was split black similarly 4 yrs ago. When I asked the ex what happened to this friend and if they were still friends she said not really, that the friend sends her texts and emails and tries to be friends to her but my exgf just blew her off.

Both the friend and I, I have come to realize were split black after her mother criticized my exgf for being too "intimate" with me and this friend. Me and the friend are women. My ex was and still is a closeted lesbian. She was also sexually abused by a family relative as a child and when she told her mother about it, I am not sure how her mother handled it. I am very sure that the issues my ex has are tied to this. Her mother isn't a bad person, but she is very controlling and is particularly so of her daughter (my ex).

Your point about being painted black having to do with a core wounding would make sense in the context of her mother criticizing her about me and the friend. My ex always called me upset when her mother criticized her during the years we were a couple, but those criticisms were about finances, her kids, or her housekeeping. Not of me or the other friend personally. Your comment gives me something to consider that I hadn't.

Blim, allow me to be blunt as someone who's been following your story from the very beginning. I think the reason for reaching out is that you still hold out malignant hope (http://www.samvak.tripod.com/journal27.html). These interactions will eventually help us to radically accept that they are unable to sustain reciprocal adult relatioships and force us to shift the focus to the internal void that we all try to mask with their presence.

It's a great opportunity for growth, our last recycle helped me to put the final pieces together and let go of that hope. 

This is all certainly understandable. Attachment bonds form in all sorts of relationships. The emptiness and sense of loss when a relationship ends is common, the stages of grief experienced etc.

If you don't mind sharing, who were the family member and the best friend? Also what do you think your former SO would have been able to provide while you are experiencing dealing with these losses?  Are you feeling that your former SO would have been supportive, or are you struggling with the compounded loss of all three, the SO, family member, and the friend?

There is nothing wrong with reaching out but when one deals with a pwBPD, you have to accept that they are uncapable of geniune care and support, even if they are somewhat emotionally invested, difficult life situations are most likely triggering a regressive breakdown, as mine started sexually acting-out when I was grieving the loss of my grandmother, or met with painful indifference, even lashing out.

My heart goes out for Blim. It's hard to accept that someone you cared about deeply can't provide any comfort in a difficult life situation, but unrealistic expectations will only prolong the pain.

Hey Blim,

I am very sorry to hear that your exSO was not receptive to your reaching out to establish a friendship. I read that you believe that you trigger her inner shame. I also know that once we become a trigger, we will always be a trigger. Will you elaborate a bit on why you think she was/is not receptive to the new friendship.

Thanks,

Apollo.