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Title: How do I finally say enough is enough? Post by: Harmonyagain on November 10, 2016, 07:04:07 PM Hi, I guess I am seeking guidance on how or where to find the strength inside me to finally leave someone with BPD. For two years I've been with someone on and off, more off because this person lacks all ability to have a stable and joyful relationship. There are so many reasons, too many reasons to list my brain says leave, this person isn't healthy for you and is emotionally abusive toward you, yet I am so broken from all the manipulation of making me feel it is all my fault and I am crazy, second guessing myself, being led to believe there is hope only to be let down and abandoned so many times. This last week is what led me to seek help. On Wednesday we were intimate, Thursday he stands me up for a date and doesn't offer to reschedule, doesn't talk to me all weekend, then on Monday tells me he loves me and now hasn't spoken to me again all week. My brain says this is so wrong and I am wise enough to know this is not how people are supposed to treat one another, but somehow after every time I am stood up or given the silent treatment I sit here and hate myself for loving such a broken person and I am ashamed a bright, caring and ambitious person like myself who has a family and friends that adore her and tell her daily how loved she is that I obcess over this one damaged person waiting for the fairy tale ending that they love me and will care for me always. How did I become this pathetic and weak? All my friends and family think I left this person almost a year ago because he did so many things to be disloyal, and now I feel guilty and I've stooped to this person'a deceptive level lying to people I love. I've read a lot of articles about how to leave a toxic or emotionally abusive person and I only make it about six weeks and then I go back like a fool and get my heart broken even more intensely. It is so confusing when someone doesn't hit you or yell at you or call you bad names but still does so many distrustful mind games to make you feel so awful and humilated to be a normal person that just wants to love and be loved. Nobody has ever treated me in this kind of neglectful hurtful way. I've experienced complicated relationships before but always with people who can express their love and be there for me if I need them to be. So I guess my question is other than avoiding this person is there anything else I can do to rebuild my self esteem and stop loving someone who is so unhealthy?
Title: Re: How do I finally say enough is enough? Post by: Warcleods on November 11, 2016, 07:18:51 AM I am not sure if just him or both of you are dating while trying to maintain an intimate relationship between yourselves. That's pretty invalidating for both parties involved. My personal feeling is that if my significant other wants to date while we are together, then there is something fundamentally wrong with the relationship. Either you work on the relationship you're in or move on from it. You're allowing him to keep you in his back pocket as he frantically tries to search for something better. Personally I have no tolerance for that type of behavior. My exBPD tried to suggest exactly what your bf is doing and I shot that idea down. Told her that if she wants to "date" it will not be in my presence and I would not sit on the sidelines as she tries to find the perfection that she desperately wanted.
Secondly, you need to detach yourself from how you perceive he may feel and really look at how YOU are feeling. If you find yourself doing things and accepting behaviors that go against your core values, then it's time to re-evaluate whether you're actually true to the values you hold near and dear. The hardest part of detachment is our uncanny ability to only reflect on the good times and completely ignore all of the bad times and associating suffering that goes along with it. It may be jealousy you're feeling and the anguish that goes along with imagining him being happy with someone other than you. The reality in this situation is that his unresolved issues WILL manifest themselves in every relationship he entangles himself with. Strong and self assured people won't tolerate the inconsistent behaviors displayed by BPD people. We tend to be attracted to people who are either like us or the projection of everything we are not but would like to be. My exBPD was masterful at painting a picture perfect external image but behind closed doors was a lost, broken and confused soul. Her template of the perfect partner was so filled with fantasy that I often felt bad that she actually thought such a human being existed. Do you want to survive or thrive in life and is the person you are with helping you thrive? Title: Re: How do I finally say enough is enough? Post by: Lucky Jim on November 11, 2016, 09:31:02 AM Hey Harmonyagain, Welcome! You have come to a great place and, believe it or not, many of us, including me, have been in the same quandary you currently find yourself. It's a typical dynamic for a BPD r/s. You could say that a BPD r/s is similar to an addiction in the sense that you know its bad for you, but you still want to do it and have no strength to withdraw from it. The first step, in my view, is returning the focus to yourself, which is something often neglected in the throes of a BPD r/s. What can you do to treat yourself well and take good care of yourself? Remember: you are in charge of you.
LuckyJim |