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Title: Getting worse before it gets better? Post by: PFCI on November 10, 2016, 07:12:18 PM So, since I started using the tools and techniques on here, seems the fighting has become almost daily? Nowadays, I just detach, don't take the insults personally, and if she starts to insult me or act violently, I leave the area and conversation. Also, if she just begins to repeat herself, of bring up things from years ago, I also leave the conversation. She deffo doesn't like, but the insults and and violence are greatly reduced.
She still tries to push my buttons, get a response, but I won't get angry, no matter what she says. Don't think she likes that, either. So, frequency of conflict is up, but intensity and damage (emotional and physical is down)? Is this 'normal'? I think she's finding it confusing and scary. Also, when she's really angry and upset, I've stopped myself trying to sooth her, as that's her job, not mine. I just leave her be, get on with my own life. It's tough, but maybe things will improve? She talks a lot about divorce recently, but it's just talk (threats?). She has great abandonment fear. One more odd thing, last nights rant ended when she said "We don't love each other" I said " I still love you", then she stopped talking and walked off. Odd. Also, she really worried she's sick. Is hypochondria another BPD trait, or is she looking for sympathy? Title: Re: Getting worse before it gets better? Post by: ArleighBurke on November 10, 2016, 09:08:26 PM Things will get worse before they get better. Because YOU have changed, that changes her. It will take time for her to adjust. (I think I am just starting to see consistent results with my wife after almost 2 years!)
Excerpt She talks a lot about divorce recently, but it's just talk (threats?). She has great abandonment fear. She may be worried that *you* are thinking of divorce. I mean, your behaviour has changed a lot. Maybe you're having an affair? What other explanation is there?Excerpt One more odd thing, last nights rant ended when she said "We don't love each other" I said " I still love you", then she stopped talking and walked off. Odd. She's confused by your new behaviour! You are "less engaged emotionally" with her - which she may easily see as lack of love. It'll take her a while to see that you are sticking around... .Title: Re: Getting worse before it gets better? Post by: jrharvey on November 11, 2016, 11:05:30 AM Keep doing what your doing. This is an extinction burst. Things will get much much worse before they get better.
Excerpt One more odd thing, last nights rant ended when she said "We don't love each other" I said " I still love you", then she stopped talking and walked off. Odd. This was bait. She was probably hoping you would react... ."WOW you don't love me?". OR "Fine I don't love you" or say something else needy or angry. She wanted emotion from you. You did the right thing. I may not be right but I would have probably said "well I love you but if that's what you believe that's your right". This may piss her off too haha. |