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I have thought for a long time that eventually I will leave, but I've never done any thing about it.

I tried to make an appointment to see a lawyer once, but couldn't do it.  Somehow, I didn't want to. 

Finally I did, try and see a lawyer, and a counselor, but I'm surprised how hard that was for me.  Never thought it would be difficult. 

I guess thinking and imaging I would leave, and actually doing it are very different things.

I love my wife, and it breaks my heart that the only solution to our marriage is for me to leave.  And I do worry about what wil happen to her after I leave.  But, I can't live like this forever. 

You are just starting your training, and from your other post today you are seeing changes in her already. You have the choice to stay and keep working on your own skills, to accept that all relationships have problems, and yours are just a little trickier, but manageable.

Or you have the choice to leave.

I understand you love your wife - but that staying with her takes work. There are solutions to both - you have the choice.

But it seems to me using these tools is a kind of manipulation, almost like training a pet.   I feel uncomfortable with that on some level.

Also, even if you get to a state where you can accept living in this kind of situation, you'll always have to be careful what you say and do. You'll never have a real relationship, like equals in.a partnership.

Is that how you want to spend your life? Is that really living?

Stay or leave. Tougher than you'd think.

One thing that we need to "impose" on ourselves is discipline in our thinking. 

"one solution to our marriage difficulties is for me to leave."  Is accurate and helpful... .and shows you that you have a choice.

In your version... .tell me about your choices... .and how you feel about that.

FF

What you say is right. But the behaviours of working with someone else, changing your own behaviour to accomodate the other person, watching what you say to ensure you don't trigger them - these are all NORMAL functions of any relationship. Except with a BPD you just have to do it MORE.

Is that worth it? Only you can decide that.

I live with my BPDwife. I choose to. (I did in fact leave my 15yr marriage about 6 months ago but I chose to return). Some days living with her is horrible, most days it is OK, every so often it is fantastic. I also miss that feeling of having an equal partner. But for me, I am not ready to disrupt my kids lives to seek what may exist elsewhere. I am using my time in this marriage to work on myself, to develop emotional strength, to bond with my kids, to teach THEM emotional strength and awareness. Perhaps when they leave home in 7-10yrs i will also leave. I don't know. It's a very personal choice.

I can completely understand someone leaving.

This is a hugely powerful statement. 

A couple years ago I was out of the house for a while.  I made a deliberate choice to shake things up, knowing full well me being out of the house... .and perhaps never returning... .was one of the potential outcomes.

I also made a deliberate choice to return.  Made a deliberate choice to move 8 hours away and set up a new life with my wife.  Part of that choice is being very close physically to my wife's family.  That choice seems to be a poor one, although it gave me numerous chances to "state my values" through boundary enforcement.  So... .perhaps it is a good thing.

Big picture:  I want to be a guy that makes my own choices... .vice live by default.  Sure... .being in a r/s with a pwBPD means that many times I will have to "live by default"... .some actions of other people make it that way.  Resentment builds from those times. 

Resentment lessens when I make choices for me.

FF