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When my BPD wife left, I began having strange symptoms. Not only the crying and sadness, but I had shakes, stomach pains, chest tension and what felt like fear. In an earlier post, I mentioned that I think most relationships with a borderline are addictions. Addictions are things we are attached to that are unhealthy and not good for us. Clearly, someone that acts loving one minute and then has an anger tantrum the next is not what any of us want. Yet we stay attached. Even when the person leaves or we leave, we find it difficult to have NC. We want that fix (the idealization and great sex). Even though this all seems confusing when the breakup happens, why are we having these horrible after effects on our mind and body? I think the answer is simple withdrawal. Just like when any drug or alcohol is removed from an addict, they get Agitated, Anxious, Muscle aches, Insomnia, Sweating, Yawning, Stomach pains, Racing heartbeat. And more. So the answer to dealing with this is to recognize what is happening and realize it will get better the longer you are away from the addictive substance or person. I tried weaning off but that didn't work too well. I had to go cold turkey and just put up with the resulting symptoms. Now that some time has passed (a few weeks), the withdrawal symptoms are affecting me less and less.

Hi RippedTorn,

Thank you for sharing and reminding me of love addiction and the effects it can have on us.

Stress is a killer and our bodies can only handle so much. Being with a pwBPD is so stressful, a lot of people who stay end up burnt out and eventually may even end up developing or catching a disease, weird symptoms, and or more mental illness from all the accumulated stress and simply being worn down. You can also develop symptoms of PTSD too from trauma. When I broke up with my exBPDgf, my health declined and I felt and looked pretty unattractive. My skin was just really horrible I was embarrassed and I was so energy depleted and had insomnia too from constantly ruminating on what happened. But now my skin is looking great again.  :) I look a lot better than I ever did last year and I get compliments about it too the longer I have NC. It's like the whole relationship sucked the life out of me and I have released all the toxicity that was injected into me. My Therapist told me that a part of me enjoyed the drama and I couldn't agree more. It is unhealthy of me to find very challenging women with issues more attractive (being a rescuer), and I get addicted to the push/pull dynamics and them needing me to feel good or that I am more valuable to the people I love when I  am constantly giving of myself. A BPD acquaintance of mine wrote this status:

"If anybody can rob you of your peace of mind, then you depend too much on that person for your happiness. "

I kept this because it's so true and reminds me that our first responsibility is to ourselves and that we are the most precious commodity we have. If we don't have our backs, who will?  We have withdrawals because what we experienced was intense and we need to immediately feel better and self-sooth ourselves. We are addicted to the high and their more positive qualities that we probably recognise because theyre innate/we have them ourselves. If we rely on them for our own happiness too much then as she put it, we are robbed of a peace of mind and will be constantly looking at outside sources for validation just like a pwBPD would to feel alive, loveable, and good about ourselves.

Hi Ripped Torn,

I can relate very much to your post, and had my own health issues during and after my relationship with pwBPD. I look back now and see that I was under so much emotional stress; at the time, I just kept trying to make the relationship work. I was fortunate in that it wasn't a long relationship—I can only imagine what years and years of that kind of stress would have done to me.

Have you read Susan Anderson's book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=155621.0)? It has a chapter on how to deal with the withdrawal stage of grieving, which I found very helpful.

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better. Keep going, it really DOES get better. 

heartandwhole

2: WITHDRAWAL – painful Withdrawal from your lost love. The more time goes on, the more all of the needs your partner was meeting begin to impinge into your every Waking moment. You are in Writhing pain from being torn apart. You yearn, ache, and Wait for them to return. Love-withdrawal is just like Heroin Withdrawal – - each involves the body’s opiate system and the same physical symptoms of intense craving. During Withdrawal, you are feeling the Wrenching pain of love-loss and separation – - the Wasting, Weight loss, Wakefulness, Wishful thinking, and Waiting for them to return. You crave a love-fix to put you out of the WITHDRAWAL symptoms.

I dropped 25ish pounds in a year from the seesaw stress of a relationship with a pwBPD.  I had a previously existing eating issue - when my stress rises my appetite just vanishes.

Its crazy but true that relationships like this can take a very similar toll on our mind and bodies as abusing drugs.  That being said, the path to getting better is much the same- an addiction is basically the brain's learning and reward system gone wrong, so recovering is basically about 'rewiring' our brains- building new habits of thought and action that don't replicate the dysfunctional, unhealthy patterns that have become part of us.

Check out 'the biology of desire' by Marc Lewis if you're interested in how this plays out on a neurochecmical level in our heads, and what neural plasticity means to changing things.

To be less technical- try things that are the body and mind's reset mechanisms- physical exercise, meditation, and mindfully practicing new habits of thought (CBT techniques)

For example
'I miss my ex, I'm so lonely and sad, and things could be so good'

I'm sure we've all struggled with recurring thoughts like that, often.

Try to follow thoughts like that with something positive and affirmative like-

'Things are over for a reason, I am a person who has loved and will love again, I deserve to give love to myself, and find joy in every aspect of my life.  Today I will find joy by... .'

In this way, we can break out of ingrained patterns of thought that leave us vulnerable to not only 'relapse' but also depression, anxiety and so many other things.  Eventually, the second thought will come to our minds more often and more easily than the first.

Good luck and healing light to you!

RippedTorn, I hear you.

I experienced something really nasty two mornings in a row, right after my ex broke up with me:
I woke up literally gasping for air. It was as if I'd been drowning. This doesn't probably count for withdrawal, but it was nonetheless terrifying. I began to think I'd actually been dying in my sleep! My body's reaction is actually a good metaphor for who I was in this failed relationship and what I've been through.

I have problems with anxiety, heart racing now and then, itchy skin and sweating especially at night. It's been 3 weeks now.

I wish you all the best in your recovery!

Hey guys, I agree physical symptoms seem to come from relationships and break ups with BPD. I feel like over the course of two years and 4 or 5 recycles that I built up somewhat of an immunity to them, thank god, otherwise I would be terrible right now. There are some that remain though. And some that were much worse during our first break up.

Weight loss was a killer during our first time together I lost somewhere around 15 or so pounds. It doesn't sound like much but at nearly 6'2 I was walking around at 180 or so pounds. I'm normally around 205-210. The stress of what's she doing, why is this happening, she doesn't care, just ate me alive. As I learned more about her and BPD those symptoms have lessened although I still have trouble eating sometimes.

The worst for me is anxiety, I wake up coughing and my heart racing, I cough so much it upsets my stomach and I have to vomit. That happened a lot during our first couple of break ups, still happens every once in a while now. It's amazing how much stress and anxiety they invoke on us and yet we still can't detach as easily as we want to. It is like an addiction my ex said that about us but she romanticized it while I set there and wondered why the hell she would think that's a good thing. The reason this is such a big deal to us and not them is encase they are masters at hiding certain things from certain people, they also love their daily lives with this emotional turmoil, stress, and anxiety, so they are use to it! They feel most comfortable in the hell we are describing and the most uncomfortable in happy and loving times, the times we ache for. They are just the complete opposite of normal human emotion and feelings.

Thanks everyone for the support and ideas to help end the addictive symptoms. It has now been over two months since I went NC. My symptoms have disappeared. I sleep well and no anxiety stomach issues. My only remaining symptom is occasionally I feel sad and lonely. But that happens with any breakup, not just with a borderline. So I want to encourage all of you to hang in and believe that things will get better with time. Move on and focus your mind and behavior on the future and not the past.