BPDFamily.com

I have been with my husband for almost 30 years. I have dealt with the freezing out, the shut downs, the anger that happens when an episode hits. He was only diagnosed a couple of years ago. and I am only just learning to see a BPD episode for what it is. He usually has a bad one once a year, and it's time. I think I am coping better than I ever have before - but i would like to learn more about how to deal with this.

Hi BPDwife135,

Welcome and hello  :)

What is the conflict usually about when he dysregulates? Is there a pattern to the way he is triggered, what he is triggered about, and how you respond?

Glad you found the site, and sorry for what brings you here. We are here to walk with you as you make sense of this painful disorder.

LnL

Thanks so much for the welcome.

His triggers can vary. Sometimes he just gets lost in hopelessness. This time he was talking to other survivors of child sexual abuse and while initially he feels good because he is helping others to cope, it all starts to bring back his own trauma. Then he starts accusing me of cheating on him or thinks I am going ot leave him which all comes down to his abandonment and trust issues. This time instead of trying to defend myself - I tried to hear his pain and tell him how sorry he was feeling the way he was. I think this helped to not draw out the episode. it's not over - he is still pretty heavily depressed and has quite a bit of anxiety - but he is no long verbally attacking me or is as distressed as he was.

Wow! You listened and Validated his emotions. That is a great tool to reduce his rage!

So why are you here? Most people on this site would WISH for only one bad episode per year! My wife has about one every 2-4 weeks and i consider myself lucky.

But welcome! I'm sure there are skills you can learn here as well!

Thanks and sorry if you feel I belittled anything.

When I say he has a bad one once a year I didn't mean the rest of the time is easy. I live with it every day and there are minor episodes. He always talk about not being real and we have quite a few issues. But a bad one is when he starts cutting, spirals into depression, starts to really talk about suicide, and hurt me emotionally rmore deeply than other times... I have learned so much from reading stuff here and elsewhere. I still walk around being careful what I say and do incase I trigger something at all other times.

That has to be so awful for him. I have read about BPD emptiness before and while it's hard to imagine what that is like to experience, just trying to imagine it makes me understand things a little better.

How are you coping with all of this? Living with and loving someone with depression/anxiety alone is very taxing, not to mention the other issues. How do you take care of yourself?

I take It day by day. It's really tough at the moment. He's cutting quite a lot. I take care of myself the best I can. It's the first time I am trying to look after me first and the guilt is difficult. At the moment I am just trying not to be caught up in his drama. Not buy into it. When I do it only makes things worse. But it hurts. Hurts to see him hurting, hurts to not be able to help and hurts the way he treats me. But I can't make him better.