BPDFamily.com

Over 4 months out from the discard.  The need for sleep aides is gone and the anxiety has almost completely subsided.  5 steps forward and 2 back seems to fit my life right now.  I'm starting to feel like I can see her face and be near her without being emotional, and brave enough to test it.  But over the last few days after receiving a text that blamed me for her fractured relationship with our adult children, I've become a bit wobbly again.

Whereas immediately after the discard and uncovering what was at play with my stbx, my focus was self-serving in trying to save the marriage and fulfill my own wishes of going back to the "good" times.  Perspective has now shown me that this is impossible and a romantic r/s is something I don't even want with her right now, which would be highly, highly unlikely regardless.  Now... .my focus and the feelings of obligation revolve around my children's future with her.  I realize they will make their own decisions and that I cannot control it, nor do I want to.  However, due to the nature of this disorder... .my fear is that a lack of understanding by my children will lead to further indifference which will only serve to force their mother into a deeper hole. 

Is this the plain old FOG of codependence or platonic caring and love for my kids and stbx?  Appears to be quite a fine line... .

bi

That's good progress after only four months out from a discard and it seems you have a good grip on things - well done.


Yep, sounds like FOG and codependence alright. But it's OK, it takes a while. You gave yourself away when you wrote, "be near her without being emotional, and brave enough to test it". In any case, I think you are doing very well.

Hi bestintentions,


I understand.  My ex was blaming mw for my son's soft performance in school. He has a learning disability and the split hit him hard, he was very anxious. I sought help with mental health services and  I take him to his therapy sessions with his lovely Dr, she teaches him CBT.

I'll give credit where credit is due, she is involved I the kids activities at school and does show an interest in their performance but she's enmeshed with the kids, she doesn't know where she ends and they begin, the kids are an extension of her, if the kids are performing softly at school, she takes it personally, like she's a bad mother.

If you look for patterns and it may take time to see them but you'll quickly spot them and it's like your ex routinely reacts a certain way, but a pwBPD will blame shift when they're floundering. To use my son as an example, his performance in school was a reflection of her. This was early in the school year and we had a lit of time to catch up, but she doesn't see the bigger picture, her feelings are fact for her.

My kids were depressed and anxious when my ex split, she just got up, moved out, and moved in with her and the kids with the guy she was having an affair with. The kids didn't get a chance to catch up and process their grief, and she couldn't put that together that she was largely responsible for what the kids were going through, my son was just trying to cope and thankfully he was young enough were they bounce back relatively quickly. She blamed me for his performance in school, I didn't mention but the kids went through a life event, their family was broken because of her infidelity. Her choices in cheating had nothing to do with me.

BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are someone else's fault and not through their own actions, bad parts about themselves are cast unto others or projected. It was frustrating but knowing that she persecutes me regardless because of how she feels internally, I didn't take it personally, my son was important and not how she felt fir the side effects of her bad behaviors.

Don't feel obligated to your ex or rescue her emotionally. In my family, it's the kids and me, the kids and mom, it's not the kids, dad and mom and I stopped rescuing her, an adult doesn't need rescue you rescue animals and kids. BPD is a persecution complex, don't take it on yourself, your not responsible for how she feels.

Hey BI, Four months out is a relatively short period of time.  Suggest you let go of the outcome.  You can't control your children anymore than you can control your Ex.  Suggest you focus on the things within your power to change, namely, you.  You could also consult the Serenity Prayer as needed.  You're making progress, from what you report, so stay the course.

LuckyJim

Mutt and all -

Thanks for the replies.  I took a risk yesterday and drove to see her.  It had been almost three months since I laid eyes on her.  In the end, I felt it was very productive and I'm glad I did it.  I don't know if I'd call it "closure" as it ripped open some scabs that were there, but there were apologies and things said that seemed sincere that I thought I'd never hear.  I realize I'm dealing with a pwBPD here, so many grains of salt are being taken, but after 25 years with someone you can pick up on some things.  I think I'm painted white right now and I'm just fine with it.  The divorce is merely a few weeks from now and the potential for her changing her mind and pursuing alimony was real.  She let me know that even though she can't work due to injury and is in danger of losing her job, she will not seek maintenance from me.  We'll see if it holds true, but if so - it's a huge relief to me and the one remaining financial chasm for me to cross.

There were lots of tears from both of us as we held each other often.  We both miss each other's company immensely.  The chemistry and pull that were always there, were still undeniable.  I guess I knew this was a possibility and now I have to deal with my own fallout of stirred emotions that I wasn't entirely sure were still there.  The conversation got better as we discussed BPD and I referred to much of what I had learned from this site and many other resources over the last months.  For the first time, she actually asked me to forward her information on a local clinic that offers low-cost/no-cost DBT therapy.  I was taken aback.  I told her I would and even offered to do my best to get reconciliation going with the kids.

I actually have hope for her future... .

bi

Hi bestintentions,

This board is for detaching from a r/s, it helps to post on the correct board to get the right help  :)

You can learn the r/s tools on the improving board here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0