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Im starting to worry about the future. She has been talking about marriage a lot lately and it honestly scares me for a few reasons. There is too much evidence and too many memories of silly past fights about small things that make me wonder if I am setting myself up for something that will ultimately destroy my life. BPD women are notorious for using the police to file false domestic abuse charges and having their SO put in jail. They are notorious for divorcing, taking the children and using a smear campaign against you. Just like Brad Pitt and Angelina. They destroy the lives and self esteem of their own children. If we ever got divorced she may try to punish me with taking half of my money and house etc... .All things I worked very hard for.

Is there any way to protect myself from any of this? Am I crazy even considering it? We just had a huge fight last night and she said she wanted to break up and today she is talking about marriage again. WTH? Makes no sense.

Just last night she flipped out and got crazy emotional because my GUY friend asked me to hang out. I even said no. But that doesn't matter to her. She goes around the apartment ranting about how I would rather do that and then she goes into her bedroom and locks the door and goes silent all pissed off. I go in there and try to get any sense of reason. I try to validate and find some insecurity I can make feel better. Somewhere she is worried about being abandoned and I try to help. But it doesn't work. While I am talking to her she turns on the TV and turns the volume up really loud. I ask her to turn it off nicely and she turns the volume UP! Then she turns to me and says... .Oh you were talking?

I lost it!. WTH? This is some kind of crazy nutjob! I get angry and tell her I wont accept being treated like this. She says she wont accept being treated the way I treat her. All I can think is "you cant accept my friends asking me to hang out?". The whole thing is nuts. I punched the wall and she told me she was recording the whole thing and I should calm down before she calls the cops. I take her phone and turn it off. We start yelling and spitting on each other. This whole thing is going absolutely insane. I said we cant be together anymore and she screamed that she doesn't want to be together anyways. I realize my hand is bleeding and go to clean it up and she completely switches to this mother/caretaker role telling me to let her fix it. She is then kissing me and acting sweet and when we were done pulling me into bed. She said I have an anger problem but stayed very affectionate. I was shaking all night but she wouldn't let me go.

This morning everything is just fine to her. She started talking about getting married again. WHAT?

I just don't feel safe in this situation. I don't know if I can learn enough to help myself. I don't know if stepping into a legal bind with her is smart. I don't even know if living with her is smart. I feel like I am setting myself up to be destroyed when she devalues me.

. wow. no wonder you are worried - that does not sound like the situation is under control. can you use the resources here (learning skills) to make the situation calmer? if you chose to get married, i would get a super-good prenup, that totally protects your assets - i think that is plain common sense in a situation like that - the risks you have stated are very real. as regards kids/ custody issues, please don't consider subjecting kids to a BPD mother until you have managed to very much calm the situation down. also, if you eventually did decide to have kids, maybe you could draw up some "prenup type" documents regarding her BPD (is she diagnosed?) and the custody concerns. prenups are not valid re child custody, but i still think putting something down in writing - maybe with a therapist AND a lawyer - would still be a good safety net for the well-being of the children. other than that, what you've described sounds like normal BPD craziness. i think it can be made a LOT milder by using the tools here, tho

I have been trying to use the tools and sometimes they work but sometimes I try and try and try to calm the situation down and she twist things and I blow up. Like last night. I was trying so hard to be caring and validating and really be understanding for her. She had to know what she was doing and had to be on purpose. Seriously. Im trying to validate and talk with a calm loving voice and she acts like Im not even there while blatantly trying to shove disrespect in my face. The hardest thing is trying to give love and understanding and be treated that way.

I know that I should have controlled myself somehow but I don't know what to do in that moment. Im not built to accept blatant disrespect like that. I don't have the tools to be able to just stay calm while she goes into a narcissistic punishing mode like that. SHe was obviously punishing in that moment. When I try talking to her about that she just says "what? I was just watching tv and didn't hear you talk". ITs total gaslighting. I don't accept what she said and I know she is trying to make me sound crazy and she says "you just don't remember things right. You should get that checked out". It seems so sadistic. I swear she must be evil. Its like I feel the devil in there somewhere haha.

I worry about these tools sometimes because It feels like sometimes she really does want to see me hurt. Almost like she enjoys it. WHen I was raging and screaming last night she has this look on her face like she is truly happy. Almost like she is orgasmic. And just like she has had an orgasm seeing me completely hit rock bottom and lose my cool she has what she wants and can now go back to being a good girl. She goes back to being kind and loving and feminine.

Ive started wondering if this is what people had when they thought people were possessed by a demon because sometimes it seems that way.

Today I cant get over how she acts completely ok and like nothing is wrong. She is in bliss acting like its a wonderful day and is super happy like she just got a raise or something at work. WTH?

. well, i'm sure there are sadistic and abusive people in this world. they don't deserve your love, or being validated. only you can tell whether she's like that. my point was just that i would not marry or (or subject children to her!) if she's this bad and if the tools aren't helping to make her more stable. i didn't mean to suggest you weren't using the tools enough/ adequately!  : ). hopefully some more experienced people here can give you advice as to whether it's time to get out and protect yourself from (sadistic) abuse

Is this the kind of relationship you want to be in for the next 6 months, year, 10 years, rest of your life?  Do you want to be isolated from your friends and family?  Do you want to be manipulated, controlled, and blamed?  Do you enjoy feeling like you're crazy, trapped, hopeless?  Do you enjoy being told that your needs and desires are unimportant?  Just a few things to consider before you take the plunge.  It's a lot easier to get out now than after you're married with or without kids and with joint assets.

Of course not. I just don't know why I stay. I have tried breakups before many times and she just acts like... ."No, were not breaking up" or just ignores it. Its so odd.

You're enabling her by not following through with the break-up.  Does she really have that power over you?

. wow yes!  Hi! this is what i went through recently. when my BPD partner had done freaking out about and lashing out about me wanting to end our relationship. and none of that had "worked". he started IGNORING it... he treated me like i was a delusional fool for even thinking of breaking up with him, hahahaha. he convinced himself something like "oh, she just has her period and is moody, which is why she "wants to break up" with me. she'll be okay again in a couple of days". i think it's BPD logic in reverse... because it's what they do when they "break up" with us - they just lash out randomly, from a place of hurt. so he thinks that's what i was doing - feeling hurt and therefore lashing out and "playing" the "breaking up" card. he was LITERALLY not able to see that ending a toxic relationship might be a SENSIBLE and MATURE thing to do. : )