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We were doing pretty good. It seemed like she was making great progress but she found a problem last night and put up stop signs and digging in saying she wont move forward if I don't change something. I feel like its her insecure feelings and she is trying to control me to feel safe again.

Im an architect. We are notorious for working long hours and vicious overtime. I use to regularly work 60 hour weeks however now I have cut it down to around 45 or 50. Not too bad. She has known this for as long as we have been together and she claimed to understand all the way back to our first date. Its part of who I am and I wont change jobs. She just cant accept it. She compares my job to other peoples and thinks its just about punching a time clock in and out and no matter how many times we talk she tries to convince me that its so simple and I should just leave when my 8 hour day is up. Like my work magically finishes when its 5:30pm. I also have meetings I have to go to all around the city. Almost every meeting I go to (several times a week) there is a problem and she needs to call, ask questions, see videos to make sure I'm not sneaking around etc... .

This is where we hit the road block. Last night she worked till 7:30pm. I stayed around work till 6:40pm then went home. I was finishing up a new project I have. She had a big problem with this. Its something that has been going on for years and the entire time I have been with her. Last night she demanded that I no longer work late. She said that I need to leave by 5:30. I tried reasoning with her but there was no reason. She would not compromise or try to understand my point of view. She said If I had to work extra I should go in earlier or work from home. I tried validation and tried getting to her true fear. I know she fears I'm at my office having sex with coworkers or something.

I made it clear that I am doing the best I can with my job and my relationship but it just doesn't work like that. She said that this is how it needs to be and if I cannot do it she cannot accept this nor accept the relationship. She tried to deny that she is jealous. She said she wants us to spend more time together. However last night had nothing to do with spending time. She was not even home. I would have just went home early and been by myself. I tried to tell her this but she wouldn't accept that it had anything to do with jealousy until later in the night when she admitted she did worry about me being there with another female last night. I tried to tell her that I was alone at work by myself but because I didn't have "proof' it wasn't enough.

She would not listen to my point of view because she was obsessing over her feelings and had to tell me 3 or 4 times her side of the story every time I tried to open my mouth.

So here is my side of the story... .

This is my job. This is my carreer and MY LIFE! I ALREADY leave work on time no matter what when she does not work. I leave work to be home on time so we can spend time with each other. I only stay late when she is not home. I am sympathetic that she feels worried and may even panic over the thought of me cheating on her at work but it is something I cant change and still do my job in a successful way. She gave me an ultimatum. Right now she says that I have to choose between my job that pays my bills, feeds me and gives me a sense of accomplishment VS her. Her alternatives don't work and she is not open to compromise.

She did say that I could work late only during special occasions and I need to give her notice and take pictures and videos of the office. Now I can understand that if she is home waiting on me. It makes sense. But when she is at work and cannot see or answer her phone while I am only staying a little longer this doesn't make sense at all. I could physically notify her if I am going to be more than 5 minutes later and take pics and videos but when she wont even see them because she is working it feels controlling, manipulative and just castrating.

My opinion on this thing is that it is a subtle threat or ultimatum. Its an attempt to manipulate and control based on emotion. Its not very extreme but its slightly abusive. Her feeling is not unreasonable however the way she delivered it was toxic and unhealthy and I cannot allow toxic and unhealthy ways of control and manipulation. She said over and over again "Its not control". I feel like its exactly control. Because of the way she demanded it with an ultimatum it gives me no choice but to say no. I don't know what other option I have. I will most certainly be punished. I don't know how bad but I definitely know its coming. I don't think she would actually end the relationship but if she did I don't think there is anything I can do about that. I cant continue to be unfairly controlled and if that is a deal breaker for her then that sucks but its her choice. I feel like the most likely outcome is that she will continue the relationship but she will start arguments, nag or get nasty with me any time I am at work after the times he feels I should have left. And then I don't know how to deal with that. It could go on for months or even years. IDK.

What do you guys think? A female perspective would be good too.

She sees it simply as you having the option of choice and you are choosing to stay late. reasoning is immaterial to her, she simply sees it as preferring to be at work rather than home. Preferring to be at work is seen as suspicious.

pwBPD are often motivated by needs and gratification, over responsibility. As such she doesn't read this as you being responsible rather than you find it more gratifying to be at work.

I often find once you demonstrate you have a choice over something you are then expected to be able to make your choice based on your pwBPDs need rather than your responsibilities.

You have to be careful about going into JADE, taking pictures and trying to prove your presence at work is opening the gate to that path. If you can take one step then why not two in her mind

I agree with everything you just said. The challenge is Im not sure how to approach this. I figure this can go a few ways. She has spoken and she has made it clear what she wants and what she will do if I do not comply.

I could say... ."well I just cant do what you want so I guess we better figure out how to separate". Im pretty sure she would blow up even though she did give me that ultimatum.

I could ignore it and just continue what I am doing but I feel like it would be a constant nag every week I have to work a little later.

I could try talking to her and giving her an honest answer but it may turn into a huge thing to her. Maybe she will be understanding but most likely I feel like she will do the same as before.

This has passed beyond negotiation.

She is demanding that you leave work on her schedule at (effectively) the cost of your job.

You aren't (I think?) willing to give up your job for her. (I don't recommend it, BTW!)

I would approach it from a boundary perspective. Here's the boundary / attitude I would start from in your shoes:

"I will do the work I need to be successful in my job." That has two difficult subparts:
"I will work 45~50 hours/week and sometimes stay late."
"I will attend meetings in various places around town at various times."

From your description, these are non-negotiable requirements for keeping your career successful. Don't. (I'd note that you have found you could cut back from ~60 hours/week, and chose to do so.)

And don't let her re-frame this: She can frame it as a do-what-I-say-or-end-our-relationship choice for you, but it isn't.

It is your choice to follow her demands, (sabotaging your career) or not.

Ending the relationship if you won't is HER choice. Refuse to make it for her or be backed into saying that is what you are doing.

I've often said this about boundary enforcement--Don't try to convince her that you are right and she is wrong. Just try to convince her that this is what you will do anyways.

Hand the ultimatum back to her. "I love you and hope you won't end our r/s, but it is your choice whether you want to stay or go."

Grey Kitty,
This is the most sound and good advice I have seen on this forum. I appreciate your tough love approach.

Oh yeah... .make it easy on her to back down about this being a relationship-killing choice... .The "good" path will go like this:

You stand firm about work stuff.
She blows up/dysregulated, accuses you of ending the r/s.
You remove yourself from the dysregulation.
She conveniently "forgets" that she said the r/s was over if you (stayed late Tuesday, or whatever)

Don't remind her. Let your r/s go on as if the ultimatum was never made :) Really, what matters is the outcome--either she left or she didn't.

pwBPD rarely stick to ultimatums, especially if you dont take it on board as your ultimatum.