BPDFamily.com

 I humbly need as much help as I can possibly get. For background: my partner with BPD and I have been together for six years. I have taken several counseling, DBT, and empathy classes to better understand their illness. Usually around their period they become a little illogical, aggressive, and emotionally unstable.

 For the past three weeks they have been the worst they have ever been. Their medication seems to still help slightly, but they have not been sleeping well, eating, or taking care of themself. They have dealt with a lot of triggering subjects about their mother and abuse lately, along with moving before this all happened, but something has caused a change in them.

  I admit fully I have been less patient, and have been working my hardest to give them constant validation, support, and understanding. But they have changed... .they are suddenly very extremely against me (blacking me out), angry, aggressive, projecting, blaming, and honestly not making any logical sense. They admit they are a little ill, but blame everything they are going through on me- because I am closest to them and I don't think they want to admit how bad things are for them.

  I understand this- but I'm severely worried about us breaking up. They have suddenly brought up a ton of issues that don't really exist/ were years ago, and refuse to listen to me at all! They instead just redirect to them and what things they think are happening, combined with verbal abuse and cruelty.

  I have tried many times to talk to them but it's not working. I don't think they will let me talk to their therapist alone, and I don't want them to black her out if I talk to her 'behind their back' without permission.


Please... .PLEASE give me advice! We live in a small apartment and I have no idea what to do anymore. I have tried taking care of them in every single way but it seems to just enable them to spend more time being angry at the world and hating me. I need help, and I appreciate any at all.

Hi WoundedLove-

And welcome!  I'm sorry you're in the middle of that, it is very painful, frustrating and confusing, although it's not rare around here, we understand.

Have you read much about the disorder?  There's a lot of great information out there, and the best thing you can do is focus on learning why borderlines do what they do and what the tools are for us folks in relationships with a borderline; that can alleviate the confusion a good deal, although the behaviors of your partner are what they are, and you can learn tools to not only tolerate that but make the relationship better.

To start, here are a few good articles that might help: https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-save-relationship

And also, read a lot and post a lot here, you'll be talking with people who understand because we've been there, and just talking is very helpful.  Take care of you!

A BPD is going to be emotional. That's just the way they are!

It seems you have been getting a lot of training. How is you conversational Validation? You should know - often it is just about listening.

If she is escalating too much, you are allowed to leave - to take a break. You can simply say "*I* need a break. I'll be back in 10mins.".

That is also a problem. This corners her into a "victim" role. It would be better to encourage her to look after herself.

Can you post some common interactions or conversations?

As an aside: why in your post do you refer to her as "they"?