BPDFamily.com

Is BPD like AA with respect to making amends to the ones you have hurt?

Hi Tex:   

People with BPD (pwBPD) aren't likely to make amends, as in an AA 12-step program.  I don't think that the majority of people with BPD or strong BPD traits will ask forgiveness, as people in a 12-step program do.  It's possible that a few people with addictions and BPD, work the AA program, but I don't think it is what you will generally find as typical.

pwBPD tend to NOT think they are wrong, everyone else is.   You can't change them.  The only thing you can do is control the way you interact and react.

Hi Tex,

Welcome to this board. I think there may be some confusion with the initials. BPD is a diagnosis and AA is an organization. Individuals can be diagnosed with BPD. AA proposes a method ( 12 steps, groups, sponsors) for resolution of various addictions and support for family members of people with various addictions.

The two are different, but not mutually exclusive. People with BPD and their family members have participated in 12 step (AA, Coda, Alanon, ACA, etc) 12 step programs in addition to other treatments and therapy.

Perhaps you are asking if BPD Family- this board- is similar to AA?  This isn't a 12 step program and one doesn't have meetings or sponsors. So, there isn't a step to "make amends" as part of being a poster here. If you have a specific question or situation that you are wondering if making amends can help ( or harm- the 12 steps says make amends so long as it doesn't lead to any harm to yourself and others) I think there are many posters here who could share their advice and experiences with you.

It depends if you want to make amends with a BPD or the other way around.

There are similarities between AA and BPD, such as the denial and the refusal to accept thing and trying to avoid painful feelings. But with a BPD it’s permanent with AA it doesn’t have to be. There is no equivalent to the 12 step programme for a BPD as yet. You generally won't get forgiveness from a BPD, but it is considered healthy for us nons to forgive the BPD (more for ourselves).

Thank y'all for the advice concerning "making amends". Now I know what Not to expect!  I appreciate all the responses.
Tex

As a family member to someone with BPD, I found the 12 step groups to be very helpful to me. I initially thought they were only for people with addictions to alcohol or drugs. I was a bit taken back when a counselor recommended a group to me as this wasn't a personal issue for me, but I was willing to take her recommendation and went to see what it was like.

The groups that I found helpful were for co-dependency and adult children of alcoholics- as I discovered that this group was broader- adult children of family dysfunction- as dysfunction also took on a similar family pattern.

Families that have a disordered member can adopt behavior patterns that accommodate that member. As kids, we learn these patterns in order to survive in that family, but they can cause us issues in other relationships. In my family, my father was co-dependent to my BPD mother and we kids were expected to be co-dependent and enabling too. That was our "normal". But the fortunate part is- if we don't have a disorder, and we learned dysfunctional behaviors- then we can learn new ones. Working with a sponsor in 12 step groups helped me to do that.

I don't expect my mother to make amends with me- but I also don't need her to do anything in order for me to learn new behaviors- cause we can do that on our own.