BPDFamily.com

Ok so quick synopsis of what's going on... .I really could use advice!

My uBPD gf is currently on a trip with her family. Everything has been going very well, both with her and I and apparently on the trip in general.

This morning I got a text from her asking if I could come down and join for the remaining 2 days of the trip (today and tomorrow). She said she was getting her own room (she'd been rooming with her sister). I said I'd have to look for flights and move some stuff around, but was happy to do it if that's what she wanted. I also asked what was wrong, and if something had happened with her sister.

The response I got was "WOW, stop asking stupid f@ck*ng questions."

I replied "what's going on sweetheart, I'm worried about you and you seem upset."

Her response was "Shut up! You're being so annoying right now! Just don't come then."

I tried to reach out again saying I was sorry if I wasn't being supportive the right way, and just saying I needed and wanted some more info. I also told her about the one flight I could take that would get me there today, but that I'd need to leave soon to make it. No response.

It feels like something happened either with her sister or family, and now she's taking it out on me but initially looked to me for support. What do I do?

Hi aj4599,

Sounds very difficult to have the goal posts moved like that 

Looking back through a bit of your story, she tends to not stick to plans and cancels on you last minute.

People with BPD tend to have out of control feelings and can be very impulsive in how they respond to those feelings. As hard as it may be, our role is often to stabilize with structure and firm boundaries. I'm guessing that is why she is disparaging for no seemingly good reason.

She asks you to come, you ask a reasonable question, she goes off on you.

Maybe you can look at this in the context of a bigger pattern. Is she looking for confidence that you can hold steady in her storm of emotions?

LivednLearned -

It's just been one of those days today. Not long after I posted this, I got a facetime call from her where she was so sweet, talking about how much she missed me, loved me, and wanted to do a trip like that with me. We talked for maybe 30 minutes. It was great.

Later in the day, another call, showing me some of the resort.

About an hour ago, a third call, during which she "jokingly" spent the whole time insulting me. She started telling me a story about the husband of some woman she was talking to coming on to her, and when I started to ask about it she hung up.  I sent a few text asking what was happening and if I'd upset her, to which i got the response "what... ."

She called me back just now. Said she couldn't remember hanging up on me. I asked what was going on and she cheerfully said she had to shower but would call me back. Hung up again.

There are days like these. Especially when she's drinking. But from the morning, it was that love you/hate you vibe. And not just me, with her family apparently as well (I heard separate stories about fights with her parents and how her sister was being mean to her).

These are the times I know I need to be the stable force. But it's hard being far away. My insecurities and anxieties that come out when she goes into this mode make it really hard.

What happens? How do your anxieties/insecurities manifest?

I must comment and say her behaviour is pretty much out of control and deplorable. So much love/hate, push/pull, manipulative/controlling going on... .

She couldnt get you to do what she wanted when she wanted so she turned on you. pwBPD gladly accept postive attention, but will relish in the negative just as easily. Sad.

It is no wonder you are suffering. Sure, you can look at what bought you here and discover any personal growth opportunities... .but you sure don't deserve to be treated like this.

The more I learn and understand. The more revolting I find these behaviours.