BPDFamily.com

My big day is Wednesday for a custody hearing. I'm not going to get custody but I'm hoping for shared. In the assessment I was declared codependent, Xw wasn't officially diagnosed but very strongly suggested that is was very high that she has a personality disorder. As I grow and move along through the process, I see more and more the ugly head of BPD/NPD. With the proof in the parental assessment do I bring up in court her disorder? We are in a very rural community and the judge is very pro access.

It's hard to say precisely how it will be handled.  Is this a trial because no settlement could be reached?

Be careful not to be timid.  You believe you would do a good job parenting so step forward.  Be the responsible parent, also the problem solver.  While you do want to be cooperative, speak up if you feel too much is defaulting to mother.  In many courts it seems the atmosphere is "Why can't the mother keep preferences?" rather than "Why can't the father get more involved?"

I recall when I sought custody and majority time.  The GAL felt that yes I needed custody but said parenting time should stay equal so mother could have Child Support, she expected Mother to behave better with CS.  Sorry, didn't happen, still active disparagement and obstruction so back in court 3 years later to get majority.  Wasted time and money when it could have been fixed years earlier.

Partly too, courts are reluctant to make big changes, as my lawyer explained, they don't want to upset the child by big changes.  Well, it just pushed out into the future the changes we needed.  So be aware that you may encounter that reluctance to make all the needed changes.

Likely you won't get all you feel is needed but prioritize the needed changes.  See how many of those items at the top of your list can get fixed, while also not ignoring the rest.

If you are given the opportunity, speak out WHY your solutions and requests would be beneficial for the children and overall parenting, reducing the need to keep returning to court.  The court will think that a few mini-fixes will make you less likely to be "revolving door litigants".  Our experience has been that Little Fixes probably won't be enough.  It may be that's all you get but don't let it be for lack of standing up for yourself and the kids and trying your reasonable best.