BPDFamily.com

I've noticed my wife has a problem related to Facebook. Anytime someone posts a picture or story about themselves, she seems to create a perfect world and story behind that picture (everything must be perfect because that picture/story is perfect). Often on FB people are putting on display only what they want people to see anyway, so it's always going to look good. She then compares our life to this imaginary world she creates and reminds me of all the ways we come up short.

I've lost count of how many rages have been triggered against me on account of someone's post. These are hard to deflect, because they are not rages coming from anything I actually say or do.

Does anyone else have this experience?

I've dealt with it before.  I never found a solution besides telling her that if she wanted that, she could get off her duff and do the work to get it.  I'd help her, but I wasn't going to tolerate being put down for not having something someone else posted about.  If she just absolutely couldn't deal with it, then go find someone else.  Which is what she ultimately did - much to my relief.

Hey iPheal, Sure, those w/BPD enjoy making comparisons, however unrealistic, due to their own deep-seated insecurities, in my experience.  No, you did nothing wrong.  I doubt any explanation from you about the "staged" photos on FB will change her mind, so why bother?  (I'm assuming you tried to reason with her?).

LuckyJim

The feeling of coming up short that she has when she sees one of those pictures (and constructs a perfect fantasy life) is very real and valid.

If you point out how this picture-perfect life is a fabrication or is imaginary, you are invalidating her feelings. Which will trigger her pretty quickly.

A full dialog of one of these would give a good opportunity to point out either the invalidation or the opportunity to validate that is likely there.

I do see that, even as it occurs. It happens at least once every night (or more depending on how many posts), and this is on top of all of the other triggers which I can't even keep count of anymore. Many nights I can calm things down. It is harder on days when it happens after a very long day at work, feeling run down with a cold or dealing with some other stressful event.

 

Hey iPheal, Right, it wears you down.  Suggest you take steps to allow yourself to recharge.  I exhausted my resources, emotionally, physically and financially, until there was nothing left in the tank, which is no fun, believe me.  Sacrificing myself seemed noble, but in reality it was no help to anyone: neither me, my W nor my kids.

LuckyJim

I'm not sure you are seeing this from what you say about it.

The picture-perfect social media fiction makes her feel insecure, and get upset. That ISN'T my point, even though it is completely true.

My point is that if you try to explain this to her, YOU are now invalidating her feelings. And her feelings about it are very real.

By giving her the explanation, you make things worse, not better.


The best you can do isn't getting her "calm". The best you can do is validate her feelings, and connect with her.


If you aren't centered and grounded, if you don't have the energy, don't try so hard. Disengaging from her and stopping yourself from invalidating her further is still a "win" in those situations!

I should have worded this differently. By calming things down I meant to say that efforts at validation were successful.

 

I'm wondering you are feeling too much obligation to "calm her".

Yes... .you want to be accurate with validation, but her state of calmness is not your responsibility.

Validate... .if it works... great.  If not... .wish her well and go do something where there is not a rage. 

She makes her choice... .you make yours.

On days when you are whipped from work and have no energy... .wish her well... .let her sort her feelings out.

I agree with another poster that details of how this all goes could help.