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Title: I don't know where else to turn~ Post by: SingleEgo on November 15, 2016, 04:26:37 AM Forgive the errors, I am typing with my voice. Tonight has been rough. I have been with someone I suspect who has borderline personality disorder 4 years. we have been married for about a year and a half. We frequently have fights where her self-loathing becomes a serious issue. She projects it onto me, acting as if I abused her. She tells me that I constantly make it clear to her that she can do nothing right. She tells me that she feels unloved, unwanted, and unimportant. And she is frequently finding things that she claims to be evidence of this. Yet, I go out of my way to make her life comfortable and express my love for her always. It makes me almost hysterical when she says these things because they hurt so badly and run so contrary to everything I say and do. This has happened dozens of times throughout our relationship, and I am truly sick of trying to convince her that I'm on her team. It seems no matter what I do, this is a discussion I will never be rid of. Tonight... .felt like something in me snapped. I broke a cup and stormed out, and just drove for a couple hours, through the tears.
Do I walk away from this? I am at a loss. Title: Re: I don't know where else to turn~ Post by: Lucky Jim on November 15, 2016, 04:59:35 PM Hey SingleEgo, Welcome! I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through, which is quite familiar and reminds me a lot of my marriage to a pwBPD. Like you, I took drives at night to relieve the pressure and sometimes had to spend the night at a local motel. It got to the point where I kept an overnight bag in my car, just in case. Many here have been in your shoes. I can't tell you what to do, but am happy to help you find your path, which is yours alone.
LuckyJim Title: Re: I don't know where else to turn~ Post by: ArleighBurke on November 15, 2016, 07:19:28 PM Before you walk away, there are many skills here that you can learn to make life easier. Nothing will "fix' her, but these skills allow you to talk better with her, to feel more in control, and to stay healthy.
I would suggest trying these skills first - see how they go - before you make up your mind. The first skill is Validation. This is a conversation technique to allow her to feel heard, which should reduce her rage. It is often difficult for men to do because you ignore her actual words, talk instead about her feelings, and offer no solutions! But it works. Read about it here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0 Excerpt She tells me that she feels unloved, unwanted, and unimportant. And she is frequently finding things that she claims to be evidence of this. This is the core of a BPD - feeling unloved. There is nothing you can do to "prove otherwise". With Validation, you can LISTEN and provide support. Often this is enough to help them feel better. The next skill will be SET, where you can start to show them they are wrong - but you have to do the Validation first or it won't work. Small steps... .Read up on Validation. Then post some conversations so we can guide you. |