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Things have been mostly ok as of late.  Spent some time talking through things with my therapist to validate my own feelings -- sometimes it's helpful to have someone simply say "what you're dealing with is NOT a normal relationship."  As someone who's never really dated around, I don't have a good basis of comparison for what's good or bad in a relationship, what's wrong or right, etc. and my wife has spent years doing a pretty good job reminding me of the "stuff other girls do" that make me "even luckier to have her."  I understand, abandonment issues and self-esteem, but it does take a toll on the brain.

Moving past that, I've been trying my hardest to take control of my own happiness.  Doing the things that I enjoy, taking time for myself, little by little.  I used to go out and play a game once or twice a week as a means to try and make friends in a new place, but like clockwork, as soon as I get closer to people, I back off, tell myself I'm bored of playing, and repeat the whole process a few months later.  I think this is due to the difficulties I encounter every time I try to leave the house to do something on my own.

For example - I made plans to go play halfway through last week.  My wife was aware of it, we planned dinner around it, etc.  All day it was understood I was going.  I get home, we eat together, and she starts telling me not to go.  Thinking of all these reasons I shouldn't go.  Won't let up.  And I've mentioned this before, but she does it all playfully, "jokingly," but is extremely, incredibly resilient about it.  Will not stop, but if I get visibly frustrated she just says "geez, I was only kidding," then gets mad and walks away.  I'm trying to deal with it better, simply saying "this is important to me, it is something I want to do." 

In the end, I went, which was good, but shot myself in the foot by saying I'd leave if I lost two rounds.  Won my first, lost my second, and decided to leave anyway because I just felt awkward and had already set the expectation.  Then I get home and she's watching a movie anyway and starts making jokes about how I should have brought her a "present" to make up for leaving her.  I am trying to be stronger in this sense, saying "well, I didn't do anything I need to make up for" and "I'm doing my thing, nothing wrong with that" and she always goes back to essentially "if you leave the house, you're leaving me, I'm the only person you should want to spend time with."  Again, she says all of these things verbatim, but says them playfully to make me look crazy if I get fed up with it after she keeps saying it over and over again.

The next day was a little more successful -- told her I was going to go play games and after she gave me the same deal (even though she was literally doing work all day, her excuse ended up being she "just didn't want me to leave the house at all", I still went, stayed for a few hours, came home and it was totally fine. 

I'm trying my best, but geez, it is EXHAUSTING not only having to deal with push back every time I want to do my own thing, but also having to force myself to "play along" to avoid an actual argument.  Anyone else deal with this?  Any tips and tricks?  I guess it's harder for me because I have literally no friends here, nowhere to actually go and speak with someone and vent my problems except my therapist.

First, great that you stuck with your plans and followed through. That's not easy!

I remember my T told me, these aren't just difficult relationships, they are the MOST difficult. That helped put things in perspective. So, for you, changing your habits and sticking to your priorities is no small thing.

Another thing my T mentioned is that shame is what we use to keep members in line within the group. Your wife sounds to be very effective at using shame to monitor your behavior -- someone may have used shame effectively with her, and it's all she knows.

Do you use SET (support, empathy, truth) skills with your wife? It sounds like you are committed to the Truth part (going out with friends), and I'm wondering if the support and empathy part might help cut down on some of the passive aggressive pressure you have to endure.

I appreciate the response!  And that's the thing -- if I veer into "serious" territory at all in these scenarios, she totally shuts down and acts like I'm out of line and keeps going back to the "oh, stop, I'm just kidding" thing.  She does not at all like to own up to the issues that seem to lie behind this behavior (fear of abandonment, desire not to be alone).  The one thing that I'm struggling with most after reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" it's the advice to try and address issues with my partner when the environment is calm and not upset at all.  I've been trying to sort things out in these circumstances for years, but they lead to the same results that come from discussing things when angry - none at all.

I will try harder, though, to maybe respond totally seriously for the sake of letting her know that even with a playful tone, I take her statement seriously.  I do not, however, like feeling like I should have to "make up for" or "be punished" for simply going about my life.  After I didn't "bring her a present," she said "well, I wanted to have sex tonight, but then you decided to leave me, so you'll have to live with that!"  I just want to be able to enjoy my life without consequence.

 |iiii Good for sticking with it! It is hard, but with practice, it will get easier for you.


It is impossible to convince her you are doing the right thing by going away to take some time for yourself. She might decide that on her own. She might not. She might decide that she enjoys the space. She might not. Let her have those feelings, whatever they are.

If you try to convince her of these things, you are invalidating her feelings. She doesn't want you to go. That's how she feels. She comes up with any a bogus reason. You point out how the reason is bogus. That is in effect telling her that her feeling is wrong. She won't let up, and things will escalate.

What you can convince her is that you are going out to play games (despite her feelings!). And this is better done by your actions than your words.

Ultimately, it came down to this in the end. If you don't let yourself get drawn into the fight first, you get to the end result with less conflict and less pain.


Don't address them at all when she's dysregulated or half-way there. (I think you get that)

I don't think you have to discuss her fear of abandonment with her directly. And if you do, let her bring it up or try to probe for it or pull it out of her.

In those safe / open times, try some validation--look for opportunities where you see that she is happy, sad, fearful, or whatever. You can acknowledge it, or ask about it. Do this with genuine curiosity and concern about what she is feeling, and try to avoid preconceived ideas of what it might be or where it might be coming from.

You can also do things to ease those fears. For example, when you go away, giving her unambiguous expectations of when you will return can help. I'll be back in three hours, or I'll be back by 9pm is clear, and if you say so, honor that to build trust this way. Avoid vague ones like "soon" or "after I lose two rounds" that could lead to a fight over what "soon" means.