BPDFamily.com

Hello friends,

First of all I want to thank you all again who have been part of my road to recovery. I cannot explain how much you all helped me and meant to me, possibly even saved my life.  I have been doing very well the past 4, 5 months, as you probably have noticed me not being very active lately, which I apologize for. I just had to get away from all the story's for a while. Looking back I just pretended I was doing well and just put my feelings away. They obviously piled up all these months and came out...
Strange, because I normally never 'hide' or put away my feelings. I keep spending all my money buying new things to try and 'hide' my pain.

I was having a shower 3 days ago and just broke down crying out of nowhere. Since that day I've became extremely bad again. Something triggered me, but I have no idea what... I'm thinking of possibly 'revisiting' my trip to England, meeting my ex for the first time, visit all those places again, no matter how much it hurts. Maybe that will give me some kind of closure. Unfortunately my anxiety issues (which got back to worse after my ex left me) make this almost impossible for me. I became at the point though, that I stopped caring. I don't care anymore if I get panic attacks. Where the hell am I afraid for? My life is hell as it is, I have nothing to lose, yet I'm even scared to go 30 miles from home... .It doesn't make sense.

I don't know, for some reason I feel extremely attracted to revisit the places I've been with her. Because I might remember the grass greener than it was, because of all the excitement of meeting her for the first time. Yet I felt very 'at home' in this place, I hate my country, I hate the kind of people in my country. England felt so 'welcome'. I really felt home, and for the first time in my life knew how and where I wanted my future. Yet again I might have seen the grass greener than it was because of her. For some reason though, everything felt too perfect. And I still can't believe I have lost this future perspective. That all the things I "planned"in my head will never come true. That might be as big as a part of the grief as missing her.

I don't know, I just feel I have to make a drastic change to my life. Traveling helps, a lot pf people have told me. If only I didn't have these anxiety issues I would have traveled half of the world already.

I'm sorry if this post seems odd and 'lost', because I do feel that way. I don't know how to express what I feel into words. Not asking for any pity, just sharing my story, if it would help somebody 'relate' to it and not feel alone that would be amazing. I think that's one of the best feelings knowing that you're not alone and finding confirmation in someone else's story.

I hope all of you are doing well and that one day a 'cure' or something will be found to help this horrible BPD. As much for the people who suffer from it as the 'victims'.
There's way too little awareness for it, at least in my country. If one day I win the lottery I will setup the biggest organization to help both victims and 'sufferers' (is that even a word? excuse my horrible English)

Again sorry if this post looks odd, it probably is. Just sitting here writing what comes up in my mind atm... It helps, for some reason.

Travelling helps, it really does. That is the first thing I noticed. New things, or old things revisited... away from the usual way of thinking. You can put your whole self into it. I can relate to the buying too... it also helps, but I felt stupid when I realised I bought the same pullover twice.
I alo felt I wanted to change where I lived ... grass is greener syndrome ... but then I realised that that was an illusion. I could find more to do where I live now. You know, I think that the things that are going on with us are more about us than they are about our ex /BPD people. More about our wishes, hopes, needs, that we hang on to unsuitable people. And I do so know what you mean about not feeling alone. You aren't. Keep going, we can still all enjoy life, even if we have to change some stuff. Thanks for being there, thanks for being honest.

This is so true. Especially for people who have some codependency symptoms (like myself), which is most likely caused by my anxiety issues and low self-esteem.
She made me feel 'a proper man' who had to take care of her, instead of a boy. I mean I was just a boy, I was 17 when I met her. My environment didn't really take my relationship serious. Annoyed the living ___ out of me since when it comes to relationship's I'm nowhere near the behavior of most ppl of my age back then.
I feel like my anxiety's are all part of this low self-esteem as well. They were as good as gone when I was with my ex. I keep blaming myself that maybe I relied on her too much, but when I look back I think it was opposite, she made me feel 'needed'. As in I was the man in the relationship so I had to protect her, and I did, she was my 'little girl' and I did everything for her. If anything she was relying really bad on me, and at times I did on her and she comforted me with the issues I had. I do not feel there was any unhealthy balance, and if there was it would have been her relying on me. Yet I'm still blaming myself for that being the reason she left me, even though I know it's bullsh*t.

About the traveling, I really want to revisit the places I have been with her. Yet I'm scared because I don't know how I'll react. Or how she would react if we'd meet (which is a fairly big chance). I still think/hope she will 'switch' back to her old, loving personality if ever she sees me in person... (Note we were in a long distance relationship so she never saw me in person after breaking up and a few months before). She was, different in person. Better. Her BPD-traits only ever showed when we skyped, not when we was physically together, but that might be because of the short time we've actually been physically together. We were in a 'internet relationship' for well over a year (might sound pathetic, but we really did love each other). I blamed myself for not visiting her earlier to be the reason she left me, but then I did went and meet her months before she broke up. I just keep trying to find a reason why, because there must have been a reason for her to leave me. Deep inside I know that reason is her disorder, but still... .