BPDFamily.com

If they have painted you black do they ever forgive and let you back in their life?

Hi statsattack,

Can you say a little more about what your BPD person is like? What's the conflict about?

People with BPD have different ways of coping with the intense feelings of emptiness and instability. Not all people with BPD are the same, just like we are not all the same, so it's not a question that can be easily answered.

Much depends on how we communicate. Without learning new skills, it is easy to escalate the conflict and create a scorched earth environment, where both sides continue to traumatize each other.

LnL

Hi statsattack,

I would like to know the answer to this as well. To put it another way, I hear where you are coming from and how down beating it feels. At least that is my own reaction. My mother has painted me black for as long back as my memory goes. This hurts terribly. So, I can empathize with you and would like to say that you are not alone in dealing with this.  It can be demoralizing to be or to feel being put into this painted black position.

Maybe, if I can say anything helpful beyond that I can relate, is that the "painted black" is someone's else's perception. I find it useful to remind myself of that. It is a putting back of an evaluation where it belongs. This helps me to not carry a burden of it. I am not saying it works all the time for me. Being open-minded and a listener has its disadvantages. Words from those closest to us can be taken to heart and we can start to question ourselves especially when they come at us infused with a lot of emotion. But, ultimately they belong to other person. They do not have to define you.

My mother told me recently that she forgave me. This was astounding not only because it was something new but also because she was forgiving me some action she believes I did, which never happened. Confusing? You betcha! All that I can make sense out of this is that maybe it is possible for someone with BPD to forgive what they see you as bad for. I don't know. Maybe it is an opening or an olive branch or morsel to chew on if you are more cynically inclined. It's something, at any rate. I tiny glimmer of somewhere in the recesses I might not be all that bad. I think fear stops many with BPD from saying this.

The upshot for those of us on the receiving end of the painting into a corner is to not take it to heart when there is no forgiveness (which to me is more about loving kindness that is being denied rather than forgiveness) coming as hard as that is.

If it helps at all, my separated wife left 1-2 years ago saying I would never see her again around December 2013-2014 so I'd better say whatever I wanted to say in that moment, and that she had "moved on" and I should do so as well.

She came back 3-5 months later, saying we should be friends and even asked if I could "handle just friends with benefits, no relationship". Then she left again, came back asking how I was without any apologies, then said I should move in with her, then said we should just be "no more than roommates", had a big fight, kicked me out of her old place (even though I was sharing half the rent, my name wasn't on the lease). This was end of October 2015. Came back yet again in December 2015 saying she realized I was perfect and that if I could forgive her, she would want to marry me. We got married in February 2016... another squabble at the end of July and then left... has not been back or reached out since... .then she served me item separation papers in October 2016 and now I have no idea.

But there is a good chance that if they are struggling they will return and apologize and paint you white. :)

Wow has she seen any sort of help

Nope! So her condition will likely get worse and worse without medication or therapy

I promise I will make the world a better place. I promise I can bring awerness to this diesases. I promise I can get the court system to hold these people accountable. I promise to bring attention to this.

Asking in gerneral if you saw a person piss blood would you tell there family they need to see a dr? I am so confused how we need to be on our toes for signs of cancer, but if someone has mental health issues we have to look the other way.