BPDFamily.com

I posted the same question on another board. Someone suggested I post elsewhere for better response.

"I may not be asking in the right place. Many may not want to touch the subject but I hope some will.

My ex, I can clearly see is not doing well at all. We're on very LC. It doesn't break my heart to see her that way anymore. What i mean is, i want to help but no longer feeling sorry for her. I don't think she'll appreciate that from me (me feeling sorry for her).

 Curious to know if there's a possibility to getting her to where she can appear normal again? Or is that who she truly is and only a brand new attachment can get her there?
Has anyone ever been able to or allowed to? Am I setting myself up for another fall?

Idk why I want to help. I believe she knows how left field she is right now.  I'm not thinking of it for my benefit or any reason I can understand at the present time.

Is it possible or no?"

I think this is a good place to post as it seems your goal is to improve the relationship with her, whatever that may be- and you may not know at the moment.

If you still want to help her, and are LC, then the relationship isn't over for you.

You may be undecided as well. One thing to keep in mind is - wherever you are at with this is where you are. There isn't one way to be.

I think it helps to define helping as well as differentiate that from caretaking or enabling. Those behaviors are not really helping. Also, if a partner is what she needs to appear normal, that isn't enabling her to appear normal on her own.

Sometimes, the kindest thing we can do to "help" someone else is allow them to face the consequences of their own behaviors, to learn to deal with them, to clean up their own messes so to speak. It can feel cruel to us, but it actually allows them to build their own self help skills. For instance, if someone is in financial trouble, and we give them money, then we take away their drive to earn money.

I think it would help if you could be specific about what situation your ex is in that you wish to help with. Perhaps then, others can share their experiences with similar ones.