BPDFamily.com

Hello all,
I have two Children of 6 and 8. 70% of the time, the kids are with me. My ex left me when my  youngest was still 0. Now 6 years later we found out that my ex has BPD. This diagnoses was made by multiple healthcare professionals.

During the last 6 years I have visited multiple social workers, psychologists and other mental workers. Always I asked them if I was crazy or how to deal with my ex. I once described my ex as somebody from the movy "the Matrix". I never know how, when or where the nex attack will come from. Last month I was told that it must be BPD.

During the last month I read a lot about BPD and I must conclude that my ex already got it at the beginning of our realtionship. The fact that I now know that she has BPD give me finaly peace (I am not crazy, stupid, ugly etc etc) but it also feels like a life sentence in jail. As the ex-husband I am always the bad guy and whatever I will say it is not ok.

This BPD person drains all my energy. I am constantly worried when my kids are with her.

Are there any people in the same situation. I just need people who understand me and my situation. I want to be actively involved in this site.

Best regards,

Marcel

PS: sorry for any type errors. English is not my first language. greetings from the netherlands

Hi MJ,

*welcome*

I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I lol at The Matrix reference, that's good. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can see how the situation would feel hopeless and grim. You're not alone. I didnt know about BPD in my r/s, I had never heard of personality disorders and a few years into the r/s  I thought that I was losing my mind. I really believed that what I was going through didn't have a name and I was the only person going through it.

I have shared custody with my ex. My advice to live in peace after the break-up is to learn about the disorder because the behaviors are not personal eventually you'll see patterns. For example, BPD is a persecution complex and the person believes that their circumstances are not firsthand but are caused externally and the person will blame the others. With that being said, your ex will cast herself in the role of victim, sometimes rescuer and rarely persecutor. A pwBPD will cast you in the role of persecutor or vast you as the bad guy, these roles are polarized and create a lot of unnecessary drama. Your ex v8an cast you in whatever role bu it doesn't mean that you to play that role, identify when you're triangulatea and don't take any sides, remain in the center of all the corners of triangle it's the  most compassionate role to be in.

That being said, I can relate with you, my ex will rescue the kids and cast me as persecutor because she has native feelings about herself and will project that but it doesn't mean that I have to play , the potential conflict doesn't escalate because there's nothing that fuels it . When the marriage is over it doesn't necessarily mean that the conflict is over, my ex is who she is, she has an attachment disorder but if I set limits, she does get the picture, it took time, I made a lot  of mistakes but with practice it becomes second nature. I hope that helps.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)

No you are not crazy , stupid , ugly or any of the other things you have been called over the years. Learning to use the tools on this site to help manage dealing with your ex and building a stable home for your kids will hopefully give you some relief. Learning about this disorder and finding this community has been a blessing for me. The more you read these post the more you see you aren't the only one going through this nightmare. But you can learn to heal and help your kids and thrive instead of just surviving day to day. Good luck to you and your family as you begin your process to a more peaceful happy life. We are here for you.

Yes, I have two children with an exBPD wife. Separated in 2009, divorce final 2013. We have shared 50% physical and legal custody.  Currently D13 and S10. Not always easy, but when she starts I smile because I no longer live with it.

Do the best you can when your kids are with you.  Show them normal. Be normal for them. In this case, control what you can, let go of the rest. You have no say when the kids are hers. Let it go, unless they are in physical danger.