BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone!  

It’s been years since I wrote in this post, so I guess I’m new to many of you: I’m the only daughter of a BPD Hermit type mother. I discovered about it some years ago, and after a breakdown crisis everything went to better.  Since last time I wrote many different things happened to me, I am now in a great relationship, I got a  job and I’m actually in the training period for this job so I moved to my capital city to do so. However still I have some issues I take with me and I try to heal.

First of all I want to say that I know this is a small problem compared to the ones spoken about in this forum and I want to send a big hug to those ones going through real problems , and tell you with my heart that it can get better. This is not totally related to BPD but I guess it can be one consequence of being surrounded by it and so it may be interesting to share.

My issue started in my training lessons, I have to be there 5 hours a day sitting. First weeks I was enjoying, not participating/talking aloud/asking questions yet, because I’m very shy but it was ok. One day the teacher asked me the homework, it got me unprepared, I couldn’t even answer as I didn’t understand and I felt so embarrassed, but I thought this feeling would disappear.

However the following week I started getting so tense when sitting down in the lessons and everytime a mobile phone vibrates or I think the teacher is going to ask the students my head started trembling! This was totally new for me, I never trembled before. Along the week it was a torture as I trembled from time to time particularly when I feel the men sitting on my side are looking at me or are going to talk to me, I’m pretty sure they have noticed. I have no problem when we are in a break, I can talk to everybody not too shy, but when I sit down my neck tenses up and I feel observed the five hours to the point I can’t pay attention to my lessons. I even thought I could have a heart attack if I continue like this.

I had never seen anybody trembling in the head but I read about it on internet and it also happens to other people. I guess for people who see my head tremble must be quite scary.

I know one of the causes is that I feel observed and I suspect one of the reasons I feel like that is that one of the man in my class once joked about the popular handsome  fancied me.  I am not interested in him at all even if I was single, but I felt so flattered at the moment that I think I became self-aware.

Other factors maybe I’ve been through many changes, moving to another city, meeting new people, and how eager I felt about improving my social skills and professionally. But now all those challenges have turned to a second place and impossible to reach.

I don’t want to make the problem grow, but on Internet I didn’t find any solution for it. I guess I’ll have to take care of myself, meditate, sport… and the usual things. I’m scared I can’t develop myself professionally or talk aloud in public anymore. This Tuesday I’ll have to speak in my class to present my work and I’m terrified my head starts trembling nonstop.

Thank you in advance for your support, I feel this forum is my home   

According to Lawson, the Hermit mother's emotional message to her children is life's too dangerous.

Can you connect your present reactions with what in the past you've been told,  even implicitly?

It's taken me decades to break out from the instinct to retreat within myself (a safe space). I don't think that's the "real" me.  What about you?"

I'd classify my mother as a Waif-Hermit. "Life's too hard,  rescue me-life's too dangerous,  I'll retreat." Short of an active mentor or role model otherwise,  it's difficult to overcome these messages; it may be all we've ever known.